A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

It would have to be worth her while. She obviously had no intention of getting a job, especially as her reference from her last employer would be a bit awkward, considering

It was a babysitting job for her parents neighbours back when she was 17. And she'd been sacked from that because

they had quite unreasonably come home earlier than planned to find the children (2 and 4) rampaging in the front garden while Susan was in their bed with her boyfriend and

Her phone, checking to see if the internet and mumsnet had been invented yet, because having acquired a boyfriend, she felt an overwhelming desire to bitch about his mother with complete strangers. Indeed, she'd

subsequently enjoyed a fractious relationship, much chronicled on mumsnet and facebook, with each of her three MILs. It occurred to her now that that would definitely be another advantage of an older DH - his own DM would already be dead!

Suddenly the twins rushed in, shrieking

In a ear piercing, continuous manner, at such a volume it hurt Susan's ears. Blast the fucking neighbours Susan thought, in her own presence it was intolerable, but far away in the garden it was merely the noise of children playing. She just knew that the miserable old killjoys were refusing to throw the cricket balls back over, why if they were her in-laws she'd

march straight over to give them hell.

She wondered idly why her in-laws seemed to dislike her so much. And why they never volunteered to help out with the twins.

What were they actually yelling anyway? She listened intently, and managed to make out something about an enormous

Trampoline, and what exactly was the problem with Tarquin shouting to the neighbours over the fence as he bounced. Afterall, she couldn't hear him. Tom Jones on loop blasting out in garden drowned out the kids. Surely as the neighbours were, you know, older they should appreciate a bit of Tom.

…and Jerry humour where hitting someone on the head with a frying pan, Le Creuset of course, would just be a jolly jape and cause no lasting harm apart from…

finding out the Le Creuset isn't the real deal, it was a MIL xmas present, should she go NC? or...

just regift it to her sister in the north, who would probably appreciate it.

She solved the problem of the still-screaming Tarquin and Cordelia by telling them if they didn't shut up immediately, there would be ...

Quinoa and woven lentils for dinner again..

This has the desired effect, and Susan breathed a sigh of relief, sat down and opened a bottle of gin.

“Darlings, how would you feel if Mummy and Daddy weren’t together any more?”

The gazed balefully at her, and Cordelia said

But mummy, I thought you were already separated, you keep posting things about being practically a single parent because daddy goes to work. And doesn't that gin belong to

…Tarquin - y’know from his Halloween pickings?”

Mummy glared at Cordelia. “If you’re going to nitpick ownership of the booze, you can get to your room right now and sort out your floordrobe you miserable…

little, erm erm... primark shopper, spat out Susan, summoning the worst insult she could think of. Cordelia, being well versed by now in the stereotypes Susan associated with cheap clothing, grabbed Susan's tacky, but stupidly expensive candles, and threw them out of the open window, just as

brat! And it might as well be the quinoa after all, I'm far too upset to cook now. In any case, all the alcohol belongs to me, you two can't drink in case your dad's lawyer or Social Services were to find out.

I think I need another drink, though."

Cordelia tossed her hair and stomped upstairs while her brother ...

sorry for double post there. Post changed to

Susan continued to shout at her daughter, "horrible brat! And it might as well be the quinoa after all, I'm far too upset to cook now. In any case, all the alcohol belongs to me, you two can't drink in case your dad's lawyer or Social Services were to find out.

I think I need another drink, though."

Cordelia tossed her hair and stomped upstairs while her brother ...

Her brother posted on stately homes - and Susan appealed to the one mumsnet poster who could help....

.
.
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No not pigletJohn.

Only Xenia was busy, so Susan had to appeal to AnyFucker for advice on how to get through the apocalypse that is no Ocado delivery slots.

But she got an Asda slot and ordered a durex vibrator as she was bored

Before realising her mistake. After 305 increasingly rude phone calls and emails to Asda customer services, Susan had to admit she was fucked, the neighbours would see an Asda van delivering to her home. But inspiration struck and

she called her bank to say her credit card had been stolen so would have to be cancelled.

While she was on the phone, she arranged for the entire contents of her joint account with dh to be transferred to her secret running-away account. It would come in useful for

A nutri bullet, or whatever piece of shite was the latest fad on mumsnet. Susan would need to have the most expensive model if she was to post with authority in any topic. Her pearls of wisdom

were undoubtedly received with awe and gratitude, she thought, apart from the odd annoying person. She was slightly put out that the Daily Mail had never seen fit to republish any of her rants about