A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...her best friend, in London, to ask AIBU to still ask the cleaner to come in Cornwall? After all, Susan and her family weren’t actually infectious and their second home was a bit grubby after all the holiday lets over the past few months. The income was paltry, only a few hundred grand but...

luckily she only paid the cleaner and gardener minimum wage. And obviously she couldn't be expected to clean anything herself!

Her friend didn't pick up the phone. Oh dear - could she have the dreaded virus? She had been coughing a bit at the last party before Susan decamped to the country...

…it clicked onto the voicemail option, and Susan expressed her utter lack of concern by saying: “Daaarrling, could you possibly…

Pop off your ventilator and give me a call back pronto. I need to know whether the cleaner should pay me 80% of her salary, or whether by giving her a practically free holiday to Cornwall she should top it up to 100%? Oh, and

and by the way you should ltb. Susan did not know why but it felt like the right thing to say. Susan hung up the phone and

made the children go and wash their hands again.

While they were complaining and splashing each other with the water, she suddenly noticed that there were now only 464 toilet rolls left in the cupboard! Who could have stolen the other 16 that were there before she went out?

Spotting the end of a loo roll, she followed the literal (loo) paper trail down the stairs and out of the back door to...

find next door's very badly behaved (but cute) Labrador who was eating the other end.

Susan considered knocking on the owners door but decided against it. She did not want to get caught with the vets bill. Also relations with the neighbours was still icy after

that rather unfortunate incident involving the twins, the labrador and all that poo. She still wasn't sure who had eaten whose...

…first, but the twins went right off chocolate for oh, two months, maybe three.

Just then, a strong wind blew her Boden midi dress up, and she had to take evasive action to avoid the neighbours seeing…

Her judgy pants, hiked so far up that camel toe was an understatement, because the neighbours were having a bbq, which Susan felt contravened the spirit of lockdown. Of course, she

...knew there were no rules against garden during social isolation, so she ramped the sprinkler up to 11, pointed it over the garden fence and turned it on.

Her neighbours...

Smirked at each other, before relaxing back in their chairs. Of course if Susan had turned on the water it would have been very different, but as it was Susan singing pussycat dolls and twerking really didn't get the sprinklers juices going. It reminded them of the time

Susan and her husband had turned up at the local pub on arable night. They had spent half the evening sneering at the locals, until they had drunk enough to get up and sing an off key duet of ...

Mc Hammer. Susan had been quite the sight, with her new breeches shoved down to a level that would have been indecent if it hadn't been for the tweed jacket that had completed her unconvincing attempt to look the country part. The highlight had been Susan's attempt at following the original choreography with her drink in her hand, or at least until

she had skidded on some spilled beer (which she later blamed on her DH), done the splits, her breeches had split revealing her M&S big knickers, and she had let out a string of anatomically implausible profanities which shocked even the neighbours (no strangers to some blue language) and which revealed Susan's past was not quite what she had led her dh and others to believe, namely ...

…her early years with the Plymouth Brethren, her subsequent expulsion following the incident with the donkey and the cucumber, and then the exposé in the News of the World about her third husband’s spontaneous combustion on New Year’s Eve. To her embarrassment, the forensic investigation unfortunately revealed…

that Susan's cooking was the source of the problem. She made sure that there was a clause in the prenup for husband four that stated....

Should she ever receive the advice to ltb, all marital ducks would be placed in a row by her dh, because in the event of a divorce Susan would be far too busy looking for husband number five to do it herself. In fact, Susan thought, she could get a head start with her online dating profile, just a few minor changes to make such as

age, previous marital status, number of children, hair colour, etc. It was all ready to go once lockdown was over. She fancied a millionaire next time, preferably an elderly one about to ...

Cash in all his investments and book a hand gliding holiday. It would save on all the pesky paperwork. She would have to remember to pack..

The dc. It was awfully embarrassing last time when she returned with a tan and a freshly signed will, only to discover the interfering cow next door had rang social services. Why, her dc couldn't possibly be neglected, they had lovely clothes and handcrafted wooden toys, Susan would have sacked the nanny over that debacle if the ungrateful bitch hadn't quit before Susan went away. Just then her phone rang

and it was her current husband.

"Susan, I want a divorce, and shared custody of the children", he said.

Susan wondered ...

Sunday wondered if she held onto a copy of the last Times Rich List and were she put the phone number of the Forensic Accountant. Joint custody? she mused,