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Original poster

A Mumsnet story....add a part

540 replies

StephanieSpeilberg · 15/03/2020 14:36

I’m bored Sad home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 18/04/2020 22:20

Why on earth wheelchairs were considered a priority above pushchairs, and the lucky owners always got free cars and the best parking spaces. Susan knew from her secret daily mail subscription that she was undoubtedly too high class to be paraphrased by the mail. She considered a slot on 'this morning' might be a possibility, she was just waiting for the mn jury's verdict as to which class it was aimed at. After all the last tv show she'd appeared on

Ellmau · 18/04/2020 22:27

had been Escape To The Country, when she and Dh were looking for her current Cornish bolthole. She had had been aggrieved at some of the comments online ...

TrainspottingWelsh · 18/04/2020 22:39

Such as bourgeois cunts, and your dc should have been on leads near livestock. Most of all Susan was offended because it appeared her preconceptions about house prices outside London weren't incredibly accurate, and the producers had scathingly informed her she would need more than £5 for a 5 bed listed building. Of course,

Ellmau · 18/04/2020 22:58

in the end they had found this house, not ideal what with the neighbours, but it was nice and big inside, and the twins' room a good long way away from her own, so she wouldn't get disturbed when having a nap.

She wondered whether she should aske her solicitor to get her this house or the one in London in the divorce. The twins could travels from one to the other for DH's time with them by train, or he could collect them, Susan certainly wasn't going to put herself to any trouble. Which area would be better for finding her new man?

TrainspottingWelsh · 19/04/2020 20:25

Susan decided she needed both, indeed deserved both. Dp worked 12 hours a day and the dc were at school, so Susan was in them most anyway. Of course she'd also get custody of the nanny, cleaner and gardener, and dh might as well continue to pay for her essential life coach too, why the life coach had helped her when

Ellmau · 20/04/2020 00:56

her husband had had that affair with her ex-best friend, which Susan had discovered by snooping on his phone. She had only forgiven him because he was in line for a big promotion, but enough was enough and now she was ready to move on.

Tarquin and Cordelia would probably barely notice Daddy wasn't there as long as he paid up. Susan had a look for her solicitor's phone number

purplecorkheart · 20/04/2020 10:02

But then remembered she was barred from his offices. How was she to know that the senior partner had a heart condition. Really, he should have waited for the next lift anyway. Susan had only

swimlyn · 20/04/2020 17:35

…worn such a revealing outfit because she was going on to meet her life coach afterwards. Yes, the pleated skirt WAS too short for a business meeting, but surely a solicitor would have a sense of decorum on such matters? It was not her fault that it was chilly in the lift, besides he shouldn’t have squeezed in like that and…

purplecorkheart · 20/04/2020 18:06

No one made he look down just as she was picking up her phone from the floor. Ok she may have misunderstood what they meant by the kiss of life but still. Susan decided that she would google..

Ellmau · 20/04/2020 18:40

solicitors and find a real shark who would take DH for everything he had. It was lucky for her she knew all his secrets including the offshore bank accounts.

Or so she thought.

Back in the marital home in London,

TrainspottingWelsh · 20/04/2020 19:54

The in-laws had just arrived, because they wanted to break it to dh in person about

Ellmau · 20/04/2020 21:05

his dad's decision to transition, and his mum's to emigrate to New Zealand.

They were rather shocked to find Susan and the children not there, and their son shacked up with

BigChocFrenzy · 20/04/2020 21:10

a friendly goat he found while taking his 60 minute walk under the bridge

TrainspottingWelsh · 20/04/2020 21:31

But as he explained, it was unlikely he'd get benefits on his income, even with Susan planning to take him to the cleaners, so he'd had to get his own goat. At that moment, Susan burst in

Ellmau · 20/04/2020 21:34

having driven up from Cornwall dodging police roadblocks and ignoring the squabbling twins.

""I have an announcement!" she declaimed, as the goat escaped out of the front door which she had left ajar.

TrainspottingWelsh · 20/04/2020 22:01

'Mumsnet isn't what it used to be, everyone is so mean nowadays, back when I first joined it was lovely and supportive'. Dh and the in-laws rolled their eyes at one another, they didn't have a clue what purpose it served but knew from experience it must be Susan's turn to provide the weekly 'mumsnet has changed' thread. As Susan waxed lyrical about this urban myth, the goat was

Ellmau · 20/04/2020 22:22

eating the seatbelt in the front seat of the Range Rover, which Susan had left open, egged on by the twins who thought the Golden Guernsey almost as cute as the Labrador in Cornwall.

Susan's MIL told her about the New Zealand plan, which was a surprise as Susan knew perfectly well that MIL ...

Overseasmom100 · 21/04/2020 00:11

was drunk yet again. The tell tale sign was she'd

purplecorkheart · 21/04/2020 11:35

Was she was sitting on the couch and not rooting around paperwork in Susan's home office. Her father in law's news was a bit more of a surprise. Susan decided to

Ellmau · 21/04/2020 12:22

have a drink.

Meanwhile, unbeknown to her, the goat had moved on to chewing Susan's smartphone.

GinnyStrupac · 21/04/2020 19:40

...She told the bearded one not to be a silly billy, and it rolled its eyes, as if to say, 'oh do stop bleating on, dear'. Yes, the goat had really got Susan's goat as well as her smartphone...

Ellmau · 21/04/2020 20:07

Her husband then announced that he had hired the goat as the new nanny.

Susan thought this was a

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/04/2020 20:25

Marvellous idea. She'd shouldered the relentless full time job of the school run for long enough, and it was making her busy afternoons shopping and mumsnetting incredibly difficult when she had sole care for the dc after school. Meanwhile fil was

Ellmau · 21/04/2020 21:32

Wittering on about some life changing decision. Did he not realise that Susan DID NOT CARE what he did, said or thought?

Suddenly the phone rang! Much to Susan’s horror, it was

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/04/2020 23:16

The police to inform them the dc and a goat had been taken to the station for crashing the Range Rover into