A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...she always bought Prince Charles' very own organic biscuits from Waitrose, and he was the Duke of Cornwall, so she was contributing massively to the area. Anyway, Susan had done the locals an enormous favour by buying a second home there, doing it up and extending it so that it was almost unrecognisable from the poky hovel it had been, and she had even paid over the odds for it to 'save' it. She had raised the tone of the area and locals would benefit if only they would start to follow in her stylish footsteps. She was even contributing to the local economy and jobs by shopping at Seasalt. Locals would realise all this once they started to truly appreciate the rise in house prices she had personally and selflessly helped to flourish. Susan knew that people needed someone to look up to, and she was happy to be that person, while at the same time knowing she was seen as 'one of them'. Oh yes, she and the twins could surely be assured of a warm welcome and admiring glances as she swept along past them from on high in her shiny 4x4 packed to the rafters with supplies and nudged through the narrow lanes to find a double parking space...

She would be sure to treat the twins to a ice cream in the local shop at the end of the road. The owners always find their cute antics of pulling all the twee products available off the shelves so heart warming. She must also remember to

Buy the dc a completely unsuitable first pony, and bring how much she paid into every conversation so the locals all knew how experienced she was. In fact the only reason the dc weren't on all the pony club teams was because they were Olympic standard, as they were at every sport. Susan fondly reminisced about

About when she was as highly admired in her posh London neighbourhood as she was in Cornwall. It was such a shame that she did that thing in

...Falmouth, where they despised her as an incomer and second home owner, potentially bringing covid 19 to the area. But surely, Susan reckoned, they’d be so grateful for her...

…vast knowledge of how to improve fisheries management by helping the industry to make better use of fixed quota allocations.

Unfortunately they weren’t, and she felt that being told to “go and boil her head” was stupid and impractical when she was only offering incredibly useful advice. Walking back along the quayside in her Christian Louboutins she wobbled, partly as a result of the 4-inch heels but also because at lunchtime she had foolishly imbibed…

artisan vodka made from the very finest mud-crusted apples of the Earth, combined with luscious cordial made from apples of the Trees growing in the primeval forests of deepest darkest Somerset. As the horizon swayed gently in and out of her vision as she wobbled as she walked her most fervent wish was...

Tractors to be banned from the countryside. The noise, mess, smells and general inconvenience spoiled Susan's enjoyment of her second home. She wouldn't mind, but the selfish bastards had loads of winter week days to mess around in their oversized Cornish Range Rovers, but they insisted on using them at times they knew second home owners wanted to have a peaceful rural retreat. As Susan was talking herself up beyond fuming and into incandescent rage, she suddenly

remembered where she had last seen the children.

Thank god, they were sleeping peacefully in the back as usual, Suduko books neatly completed on their laps.

All of a sudden she glanced out of the window and

Saw a policeman looking in, she rolled down the window and ,he asked if her journey was essential ...

She went to give him a dirty look but then had second thoughts about getting on his wrong side. She did not want him to ask for her insurance ans licence they were in the glove compartment along with..

an empty bottle of craft gin. the policeman looked astonished and,,,

Commented that she was using cheap tonic water and a discount store tumber glass. Where was the gin globe glass and exotic fruit he wondered. Susan was

forced to tell a white lie and pretend she had stolen the car. Better to be thought of as a criminal than have the policeman get the wrong idea about her middle class credentials. He got out his handcuffs and

…grinned at her. “I’m going to have to take down your particulars madam. “ Susan knew it was a bad time for humour, but she just could not resist replying: …

...”it’s been far too long since I had my particulars taken down officer” as she pushed her Gucci sunglasses onto her head and shook out her ponytail...

And stepped out, catching her high heel and tumbling forward bring the policeman with her. He grunted and said

...'Madam, I would like to put you under-a-vest', and with that, he ripped open his pristine white polyester shirt to reveal a string vest, all holey, grey and stained from his meals of the last week. Susan wrinkled her nose. She had read about 'a bit of rough' on mumsnet, and had eyed up her gardener, milkman, window cleaner, builder and bin man on a number of occasions. She was not adverse to crossing the social divide but this was a step too far. She leapt up, straightening her crumpled Joules oufit, proud of her superior flexibility from her yoga classes. 'I'm sorry officer', she said, 'but I cannot flout the social distancing guidelines, and anyway the power dynamics between us are all wrong - it even looks like you have eaten a Pot Noodle'...

A small voice piped up from the back seat, its owner having woken up at this inopportune moment, ...

'Mummy, please can I get out of my car seat and walk home alone? I know you say it isn't safe but all my friends are allowed mortgages, and jobs and even their own dc and it's a bit embarrassing for me' Susan was astounded, why

Surely he was going to live at home until he was 50 and was going to be her plus one to all her social events. Where would she now find an handsome man to hold arms with to make her entrance. Did he not now that Missy was hosting her usual masked ball in aid. What would she do?

Susan eyed the policeman again, trying her best to ignore the vest and the aura of council estate she associated with pot noodles. Susan had to admit, like so many mnnetters she wasn't exactly born middleclass herself, but she thought she'd done an excellent job of social climbing her way to what she thought it meant, so surely she could drag the policeman up to her lofty heights? Why, once he had learnt to say 'working class' in a tone that implied it was an insult he was halfway there. And if it all went to shit, at least she'd get a good ltb thread out of it. The policeman

glanced around he could have sworn he heard the tune you can leave your hat on floating on the breeze. However the tune came from a car with a trailer carrying a dismantled sunhouse and a serious looking little Korean lady in the passenger seat. He decided it was best to get back into his car and return home in time for his hard sought tesco delivery slot. Susan meanwhile looked a bit stunned. However she gathered herself together and decided to

Furlough the gardener, but allow him to continue work in the new orchard over the next few weeks. It was against the rules, but rules are for little people and most of her family had either Scottish, Norwegian or Dutch genes don’t, she mused, they must be quite tall. And as an afterthought, she got out her phone and rang