A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

Who said it was a troll post unless there was a diagram. Meanwhile

Not sure why my post was removed unless my ‘made up name’ was a real name lol sorry about that. I didn’t say anything offensive haha Carry on

...Susan reflected on her good fortune that it was not a proper farm shop. It was fab that, just this once, she would not have to put on a limp in order to justify parking her naice car in a disabled parking bay...

Or have to pretend that she liked elderflower cordial.

As Susan drove away from the farm shop, to her consternation she was flagged down by a Police car. The police officer hailed her, requesting that she inform him of her purchases.
Susan recited her list, and to her absolute amazement she was informed that first pressed single estate virgin olive oil and artisanal pesto were not essential items! Before he drove away the policeman warned her that she was risking getting a criminal record if she was caught a second time.
Sue was shaking with indignation, but ....

... then saw her lycra clad BFF, Sophie, out for her daily alloted exercise running along towards her. Should she stop the car..? She'd love a chat! In fact what she'd really love is a glass of prosecco in Sophie's farmhouse kitchen, but she knew that would be weeks if not months away yet. Still... could it hurt to slow down and just say hello... ask how the homeschooling was going..?

Well, it wasn't exactly in keeping with the legislation, but naturally it only really applied to other people, not special people like Susan that wanted to meet up with their bff. Susan hadn't voted Tory anyway. Besides, Sophie hadn't liked any of Susan's recent Facebook posts, all demonstrating to the world how much better Susan was at staying at home than everyone else, and if 25 inane updates wouldn't do the trick then she had no choice but to speak at to Sophie. So

So she pulled to the side of the road, got put and called Sophie's name. Susan could have sworn but must have been wrong but she would have sworn she heard the words "oh hell,not that stupid cow". Susan decided

That instead of speaking to Sophie there and then, she would post cryptic statuses on social media and then bitch about Sophie in very identifying detail on mumsnet later, so she

pulled out her phone to go online when she suddenly a text message from her other BFF Kate:

'Omg just got the news, Sophie was hit by a delivery truck carrying loo rolls and handwash heading for Tesco an hour ago. She's dead!'

Susan went pale and got a sudden chill down her spine. She had seen the ghost of Sophie and couldn't believe it. How on earth was she going to post this on MN without going all Wooooo.

What was worse, she suddenly realised....

She had arranged to meet Sophie to hijack the Tesco truck and they'd planned to split the booty. Susan was distraught that she'd had such a near miss, and it was such a waste of good hand gel. However Susan knew that Sophie wouldn't want her to miss out on the valuable cargo spillage that was hopefully still on the road, so she set off when

…the coast was clear. As she drove, she thought back to simpler times - Mary Quant, the Kings’ Road and of course Wimmie, her Norwegian Elkhound. “Aah, Wimmie, where are you now?” she thought with a gentle smile on her face.

At that moment she was jerked back to reality when a red light started to flash on the speedo. As she slowed and pulled over there was a strange noise, a bit like the sound a duck makes when you tread on it. Crikey, at this rate she was never going to…

..make it to the scene in time to be photographed for the Daily Mail with her best sad face on and claiming Sophie as her ver ver ver BFF. She didn't read the Mail, of course, just like all the other people who claimed not to on MN despite posting links to the latest 'Megxit Ate My Hamster' in depth analytical report, but needs must if she wanted to raise her profile on the PTA. She and Sophie had surely been like sisters, she could almost claim to be her heartbroken next of kin, which was a good excuse for a new dress. She must post in Style and Beauty. In the meantime, no use crying over spilt hand gel and loo rolls. She wondered if she could scoop it all up and sell it on Etsy. But what to do about the noise?

Perhaps she could use it as a prop in her dailymail interview and pretend it is her crying. OK she might sound like a mating whale but who knows she might make Breakfast tv again. The last time she was on it...

... she'd had a fabulous time comparing styling tips with Louise Minchin and Sophie Rawarth at 4 o'clock in the morning in the make-up chair... her instagram had gone into overdrive that day.

Perhaps she could carve out a new career for herself in these troubled times... she could picture herself now...

FaceTiming the bbc breakfast studio, explaining the hardships families like her own were stoically facing, the closure of John Lewis, awol Ocado deliveries, spa days but a wistful memory. Perhaps the nhs and other essential workers could take time out of their day to show their appreciation for unsung heroes such as Susan. The only problem now was that unexplainable noise

so she asked mumnetters if they knew anything about this noise whereas one gave 3 links to numerous random journal articles & 7 foreign newspapers which had nothing to do with the subject & also gave a recipe for 3 elderly items she found in her storage cupboard combined with exotic spices that no one ever heard of

4 responded to say 'lawyer here', 37 told Susan the noise was gaslighting her, 55 recommended logging the noise with 111, 974 said ltb, and one did an advanced search before 'calling out' Susan because they'd disagreed on a thread 7yrs ago. None of which helped Susan figure out why she had been so distracted by the noise she hadn't paid attention to the flashing red speedos, especially as the person wearing them

...was someone who gave her feelings that made the word 'limerence' - which she had only ever read about on MN - seem like a massive understatement. It was Boris. My, she'd seen him in lycra cycling shorts before, but who knew he would look that sexy in red speedos?! Susan felt that Boris didn't mean to flash in them, but he was all man and it was out of his control, and anyway surely the flashing was a secret signal just to her?

But on mature reflection Susan often thought things were giving her secret signal. She still shudders when she thinks of taking the twins to the local.lighthouse and being convienced that the Beacon was sending her secret messages. She will never forgot the look on everyone'sfaces when she...

...started to flash back...

to that episode in the Sistine Chapel when...

...she’d accidentally touched a working class person. She’d posted at the time asking if it would change her own class (which she felt was middle middle) and been told...

...'you should be so lucky!'...

Susan decided to go home and pack for her Easter Break in Cornwall. The current restrictions do not apply to Susan because