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Original poster

SIL and BIL really struggling with two young children

104 replies

BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 10:48

I'm interested in tips that might help my SIL and BIL. They live a long way from the family (think another continent), and have two DCs (8 months and 2.5), who are healthy. We don't have children, so it's hard to get a bit of perspective, and so I was interested in views, and tips on how we can help them.

SIL doesn't work and has been a SAHM since the birth of their eldest. BIL has quite a flexible job. They are really perfectionist, so for example, breakfast takes around 2 hours from start to finish (smoothies, freshly made pancakes). This means BIL doesn't get to work until 11am. His work is less than pleased and his contract has not been renewed (understandably). Not only that, but SIL and BIL don't shower more than once or twice a week (saying they don't have time for it, with two children).

From the outside, they seem to be in a real mire, but they can't seem to find a way out. We visited them recently, but they seem to find everything so difficult. As a result, their finances are in a poor state, they're cooped up in a flat (as SIL finds it hard to leave the house with two children) and they have no family nearby. They are looking to move back home, but with no money, it's really hard. Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
whatsoccuringnow · 02/03/2020 10:55

I just feel sorry for them, sounds like they are caught up in trying to be perfect, and actually achieving the opposite. I don't really know what you could do or say, but I can see how it could happen. If I was them, I'd try putting the older one in nursery for a couple mornings a week to get a routine and a bit of easier time to get out with just one. And I'd not be doing those big long breakfasts. I wonder is it a bit of pnd mixed in there.

amusedbush · 02/03/2020 11:09

You say they are perfectionists but I've never known anyone to arrive at work mid-morning because they were so set on having the perfect "instagrammable" breakfast every day. That's actually bonkers and has, quite rightly, put their only source of income at risk.

They don't have time to shower but they have time for two hour pancake extravaganzas every single day??

Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 11:09

It is really hard for them. When we visited, they were so concerned (did we think the house was dirty? No, it's very clean). We tried to suggest the 80:20 rule (focus on the big things, rather than spending so long focusing on the tiny things). E.g. Breakfast could be toast and spread, or porridge and a bit of chopped up fruit. We're so distant but we speak to them a lot, but it feels as if there is little we can do.

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Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 11:11

They don't have time to shower but they have time for two hour pancake extravaganzas every single day??

I know, it sounds and is crazy - first of all coffee beans are ground, before being freshly made, food is all prepared with no processed ingredients, etc. It's not that they're instagramming their breakfast, but they are a bit obsessed with nutrition that it becomes a huge thing.

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 02/03/2020 11:14

The best help for a family struggling with small children is to either offer free babysitting or help out with meals / household chores.
I've been in their situation it's very tough and exhausting.

I agree, the older one could go to nursery a few mornings a week (we did this). It helped a lot.

Elouera · 02/03/2020 11:15

Do either of the adults have learning issues themselves? OCD? On the spectrum? How do they feel about things? Do they see an issue? Do they have parents that could speak to them? Not really sure who could help them other than possibly seeing a GP for referring to a nutritionist or counselling? Citizens advice?

MmeAlice · 02/03/2020 11:22

It sounds like they have got themselves into a loop and need outside professional help. They have lost all idea of perspective and will be feeding into each other creating their new normal. This could spiral in a very negative way.

mencken · 02/03/2020 11:23

if they understood nutrition they would not be making or eating smoothies.

what is it called? Orthorexia? Not good.

EugeniaGrace · 02/03/2020 11:26

I can sympathise with them. On a day where we have nothing planned (yesterday) it can took until 1 pm to have dh and me showered, and everyone (dh me, three year old and baby) breakfasted, teeth and hair brushed, and in clean clothes. It felt like all the effort we had for the day.

But today we (ok not the baby- she got plonked in the car straight from her cot) were ready by 8:20 to get dh to work and dc1 to pre-school.

I’m most concerned about your BIL from your example, as he has somewhere to be. How is his mental health? Has he always had trouble getting to work on time? Whose decision was it for SIL to be a sahm if he is so unreliable with timeliness? It could potentially be him dragging the whole family into his routine.

Ayemama · 02/03/2020 11:32

They have a similar age gap that I have with my two and it is hard work but it sounds like they are caught up worrying about the wrong things.
It's totally.bonlers that they do breakfast like that every day the most important thing is the family and being able to afford to live is a big part of that.
The big breakfasts have to go, they could do them at the weekend if they like. maybe they should shower at night when the eldest one is in bed and if the baby wont settle they can take turns settling or they could have a bath with the kids?
I think your SIL needs to start going out it's hard but gets easier the more you do it, having everything packed the day before helps.
It really sounds like there are some mental health issues here and they would be better moving home where they have more support, could they sell their flat and mrent somewhere near home?

TreeTopTim · 02/03/2020 11:33

How serious are they about moving home? Is it something the family could help with?

I feel a bit sorry for them. It sounds like they have lost all perspective on life.

minipie · 02/03/2020 11:37

A 2 year old and baby is a hard time for most people, almost everyone has to cut corners at this stage. TV, beans on toast, cereal for breakfast, letting them wear their clothes inside out if they want, these are all things we do to get through this phase. Telling them that may help?

I do wonder if they are on social media a lot (maybe not posting but reading) and think everyone is doing pancakes and smoothies and being perfect parents when that’s not the reality. Or the ones who are, have lots of help in the background, or those anomalous kids who sleep through from 8 weeks.

It is a matter of priorities. Priorities should be - keeping job and roof over head; everyone clean and dressed in something; everyone fed; everyone gets as much sleep as possible. Everything else is secondary to those.

Basically I think the best thing you can do for them, is make them feel it’s ok to lower their standards !!

TheTeenageYears · 02/03/2020 11:48

Are they living somewhere where helpers/maids/cleaners are readily available and the norm and is there a little bit of spare cash within the far away family to help?

You could join a local Facebook group wherever they are living and try and find someone who can go in for a few hours to help out - it sounds like they need to break the cycle they are currently in and as they don’t have a support network near to them, there might need to be a creative solution to the problem. Alternatively a British group in the country (if they are British) who might be able offer some assistance. I live abroad, you’d be surprised at what lengths people will go to to help out when it;s needed.

NoSquirrels · 02/03/2020 11:48

Do the adults have underlying issues? Or is it just since the kids came on the scene?

Why are they obsessed with nutrition - any specific reason attached to this?

Realistically, if they live in a different country there is probably bugger all you can do from afar. Advice can be ignored, and someone who has lost his job because he's not turning up to work has bigger issues than can be solved with kind words.

Helping them get back home closer to family would be best place to put your efforts I expect.

Frustratedandworried · 02/03/2020 11:49

I think they could def benefit from some outside perspective.

I am in no way suggesting that if one person finds it easy or manageable then all will but I had 3 under 2.5yrs and no way would breakfast take that long. Even now with 4DC everyone is up, washed, dressed and fed within an hour. We have a routine and stick to it and now everyone knows what it is it works. My little ones dont shower first thing but instead bath in the evening. I wake them and help the smaller 3 dress before we even go downstairs. They then head down and eat ( cereal / toast / brioche) whilst I make lunches. Then i help them brush their teeth and hands and faces / hair before everyone gets their school bags / coats.

Admittedly when they were babies there were days when " getting dressed" might just of been from PJs into a pair of soft bottoms and a tshirt but it takes minutes ( even when wrestling toddlers).

I worry your BIL etc have become fixated on things being perfect rather than " normal" if nutrition is a huge deal they need to look at overnight oats or similar... they can just serve immediately/ zap in microwave for a few mins. Porridge with fresh fruit takes minutes not hours.

It sounds like they are overwhelmed and perhaps this has led to lack of focus...I have executive functioning issues and easily lose focus and then dont achieve whatever I intended too but I've found ways to keep on top of things

Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 11:56

Thanks for the replies. They've definitely lost focus. They are serious about moving home, and we will do our best to help them when they do.

Other than the perfectionism, they are an educated, intelligent couple, but they've lost sight of normality

The food thing is definitely a big issue. SIL had food issues when younger, and is keen that their children enjoy food, but they're going about it in a way that is counterproductive.

OP posts:
ssd · 02/03/2020 12:00

The poor souls. It sounds like they could really do with some help. Your kindness will mean a lot to them op. I hope they can move.

Apolloanddaphne · 02/03/2020 12:02

Gosh that all sound difficult. Would they accept a referral to Home-start? Another unrelated person going in might be able to help them to see that they can loosen up on some of their rigid routines and rules.

Scotinoz · 02/03/2020 12:08

I have been a SAHM with a baby and toddler (16mth gap), on the other side of the world, with a husband working 50hours + a week, and minimal support (i.e. Friends in similar circumstances).

It's not easy. But it can be be done.

They either a) just need to get a grip and live a manageable lifestyle. Divide and conquer the house, average breakfasts etc and prioritise job/income/finances/etc. And someone needs to tell them so.

Or b) get help. If they've not figured it out by now, there's a reason why. Illness? PND? Etc etc.

Without knowing anymore details I'd suspect the latter, as most people figure it out that they have to make life manageable.

TenCornMaidens · 02/03/2020 12:11

It sounds like you can see fairly clearly where they are making problems for themselves, but the issue is whether you have a way 'in'. You can say all the right things but people will not always be willing to hear or change their mindset/behaviours.

stayathomer · 02/03/2020 12:15

You look at any baby or kids books and they are all about smoothies and pancakes and the like. Every parent with 2 kids that was used to a certain way probably finds it so much more difficult post kids, you're wrecked tired and you're being told x is the right way to do things. As the kids get older things will get easier. Two young kids is so hard (I have 4 but back at 2 i had no idea!!!) As for your bil being late for work was it a commuting thing? So if my dh missed his train his next one would make him as late as your bil. He may have been dealing with the kids etc. Im not excusing it but it is easy to say wtf but it's also easy for these things to happen and get out of control. I don't know that you can help, it's down to them to realise that kids mean adapting and things being less than perfect. I'd agree with the others, offer babysitting etc but other than that they have to figure it out for themselves!

stayathomer · 02/03/2020 12:17

Sorry, duh, you said another continent so babysitting is out. Also I wouldn't worry, you may only be getting a snapshot if you're so far away, things might be better than you think!

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/03/2020 12:20

I am confused as to why BIL needs to help with breakfast. If SIL is a sahm why doesn’t she do breakfast on her own?

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/03/2020 12:29

Introduce them to porridge with oat milk and leave them to it. Sorry for being flippant but they don't need your help they need therapy. If they manage to move home their problems will move with them.

MrsJemimaDuck · 02/03/2020 12:30

I too worry that PND is playing a part. It makes the smallest things infinitely more difficult. For me, it was more anxiety and becoming fixated on things. I’m not sure about BIL, but I would gently ask if SIL has seen someone about possible PND. I wouldn’t have seen it in myself when I was going through it either.