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Original poster

SIL and BIL really struggling with two young children

104 replies

BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 10:48

I'm interested in tips that might help my SIL and BIL. They live a long way from the family (think another continent), and have two DCs (8 months and 2.5), who are healthy. We don't have children, so it's hard to get a bit of perspective, and so I was interested in views, and tips on how we can help them.

SIL doesn't work and has been a SAHM since the birth of their eldest. BIL has quite a flexible job. They are really perfectionist, so for example, breakfast takes around 2 hours from start to finish (smoothies, freshly made pancakes). This means BIL doesn't get to work until 11am. His work is less than pleased and his contract has not been renewed (understandably). Not only that, but SIL and BIL don't shower more than once or twice a week (saying they don't have time for it, with two children).

From the outside, they seem to be in a real mire, but they can't seem to find a way out. We visited them recently, but they seem to find everything so difficult. As a result, their finances are in a poor state, they're cooped up in a flat (as SIL finds it hard to leave the house with two children) and they have no family nearby. They are looking to move back home, but with no money, it's really hard. Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

Original poster

BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 12:32

I am confused as to why BIL needs to help with breakfast. If SIL is a sahm why doesn’t she do breakfast on her own?

Because I think SIL finds getting the children up a struggle. From the outside, it looks as if everything looks too much.

They're quite open to getting some help, but they recognize it will have to happen when they're home - they're thousands of miles away from home, and they don't speak the language, other than the basics, so getting help in English is almost impossible.

OP posts:

GloGirl · 02/03/2020 12:32

I really struggled. I cant over emphasise how tough I found it. I had some physical complications with my back which meant doing housework, getting out and about with them was awful.

Without a doubt the best practical thing we did was to ask to borrow money and funnelled it into childcare.

They were desperate times, but I dont know anyone who found it as crawling awful as I did.

diddl · 02/03/2020 12:36

Not getting to work until 11am??

Well that was never going to fly was it?

What a mess.

He should just have been doing what he could in the morning, having breakfast & getting to work.

That he didn't suggests that his wife is in a bad way.

What did she do whilst he was at work?

Will he have employment when they get home?

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Patchworksack · 02/03/2020 12:40

Has SIL had post-natal mental health problems that you are not aware of, perhaps? Why is BIL not prioritising his job and the family's source of income? Are there any local services like Homestart that might help SIL get out and about, or help with housework? If they are socially isolated then that is going to make getting some perspective on the situation more difficult. But really, not able to get to work on time, not able to take a shower, not with a newborn but 8 months in?? Something is really going wrong.

BreatheAndFocus · 02/03/2020 12:43

SIL had food issues when younger

I’m all for healthy food, but I think perhaps SIL’s food issue history has reared its ugly head at a time when she’s a bit low and stressed. Perhaps you could gently talk about this - the extreme perfectionism around food. Don’t accuse her, but maybe suggest such breakfasts are saved for the weekend.

You’ve also mentioned she struggles getting the children up and ready. Why? Is she involved in some perfectionist routine? Is she not sleeping and struggling to get going in the mornings?

Is BIL also affected by this perfectionism or is he going along with it to not upset his wife?

Their ‘lack of coping’ sounds strange. Many, many people have children of similar ages, and, although obviously children are full-on, they manage ok. Why can’t SIL and BIL?

Briefly, it sounds like one or both of them needs some kind of counselling or support.

diddl · 02/03/2020 12:44

Is she happy where they are-did she want to go?

BikeRunSki · 02/03/2020 12:48

The family in question are overseas! Home start, family babysitting and nursery (as we know it in UK) are not options.0

Original poster

BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 12:51

Is she happy where they are - did she want to go?

She's not happy now, but they did both want to go - but I think what happened is having two children turned an adventure on the other side of the world to a real struggle with no support and they don't speak the language.

They won't have work when they get home (BIL is applying) but they are a bit lost until they can get home really. There are exacerbating factors - their home is next to a construction site and just after Christmas, they had a rodent infestation - it has all got too much.

OP posts:

diddl · 02/03/2020 12:53

It's certainly odd that 2 adults are struggling with 2 kids to the point that one has essentially lost their job & neither can find time to shower!

How much longer has he got there?

Could she come home now?

diddl · 02/03/2020 12:58

Have they had both of the kids whilst out there?

That would have been tough, if so.

Also, is their standard of living not so good as what they left behind?

Original poster

BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 13:02

They have flight tickets to come back in May. We suggested SIL come home early with the children, but they don't want that. They have had both children while out there.

OP posts:

EdgarAlanPoe · 02/03/2020 13:05

I’d focus on helping them practically. Suggest a date for when they should move back. So they have a time line to work too.

Can they move in to yours for a while when they get back? Will they have a deposit for a flat/house when they get back? Can you help raise the cash?

What work will he be applying for? Can you help him find a job?

If sil had food issues when she was younger does she still have anxiety or OCD now?

The grinding of the coffee beans could be done in a batch and out in a sealed container. Breakfast can be semi prepared before bed. They could get up earlier.

They could set a detailed time table of what they need to be doing and when.

However you can only do so much, yes help as much as you can to get them sorted and over here but watch you don’t stress yourself out in the process.

I was helping a family member a couple of years ago and their life literally over took mine as i was stressed out doing my best to solve things for them yet they couldn’t be bothered or always found a reason why it would work - I had to walk away in the end

Hope it goes well

Mrsfrumble · 02/03/2020 13:09

That’s really tough. I can completely understand how the SIL could be struggling so much (having done the living abroad for DH’s work with a baby and toddler and zero support thing myself) but it’s really worrying that BIL has been dragged down into the mire as well. I don’t think there’s much you CAN do until May unfortunately. Do you (and they) know where they’ll be living when they get back to the UK?

aintnothinbutagstring · 02/03/2020 13:11

A small point, I understand being a bit OTT with nutrition and having little ones, I was similar with my youngest who had a major allergy and was forever getting a bad chest so constant trips to GP and A+E. However, grinding fresh coffee beans is not for the children is it. And if you were concerned about having a nutritious breakfast that took a bit of time, you could do it the night before or at least do all the prep. Or get everyone up at 6 so BIL could be at work on time. Sounds like he's been riding on the coat tails of having two little ones, taking the piss majorly out of his flexible working arrangements and it's all gone a bit tits up.

stayathomer · 02/03/2020 13:12

They were desperate times, but I dont know anyone who found it as crawling awful as I did.
Glogirl I remember when we had 2 and both weren't sleeping and both of us were in and out with them all night for over a week. I remember the younger was asleep in my arms and Every time I went to put him down her wake up. I sat there bawling saying 'this isn't living. I can't go on like this. I can't.' When I think of it now it's like a different person!!

MangoHat · 02/03/2020 13:21

When you stayed with them, were you able to help them at all? Look after dc so they could shower, make breakfast (in a normal way) so they could get kids ready or see that you don’t have to take 2 hours to make it? Or was it hard to intervene with their systems?

If they could come and stay with family would that help, to break the cycle? Then help them into their own place, help them plan the location for easy commute, help SIL set up a routine to get the dc up and out.

I would fear that if they move without significant support they will find it so overwhelming that they will be in the same rut but surrounded by unpacked boxes and general chaos.

Booboostwo · 02/03/2020 13:22

You say SIL also struggles to get out, does she spend the whole day in an apartment with the DCs? That could well be contributing to her poor mental health. While I do appreciate that having two young DCs is a huge challenge for everyone, most people manage to go out even if it's not every day. Are there no child friendly places to visit where they are, e.g. park, soft play, parent groups, etc.?

TheTiaraManager · 02/03/2020 13:30

I wonder if they are constantly feeling they need to stimulate the kids when not cooking for them? If so I can imagine they have no down time, especially if they are very house proud.

I have 2 kids & even making them pancakes (we had them yesterday by coincidence) breakfast was under 1 hour. If oldest DC had not wanted to help

florababy84 · 02/03/2020 13:32

Can you give any info as to where they are? Maybe mumsnetters in that location would have thoughts on local resources.

Babybel90 · 02/03/2020 13:34

Something sounds very wrong for otherwise intelligent people to not be able to prioritise one of them getting out to work in the morning, even if it took SIL 8 hours to get the kids up and dressed it wouldn’t be a problem as long as BIL was getting out of the door on time.

Evilspiritgin · 02/03/2020 13:41

What was sil like before she had the children? Presumably they were both speaking / trying to speak the local language if they were both working, Will the contract he’s got now cover him until may or could they run out of money before that? Do they have enough money to buy or rent when they get back?

Finallyatooth · 02/03/2020 13:41

Sounds to me like your SIL issues around food may have morphed into an obsession with feeding her children in a particular way and that your BIL is stuck enabling it.

There is no reason that pancakes and fresh coffee for breakfast should result in your BIL being 2 hours late for work.

There is no real reason why them living in a flat should stop them getting out during the day. It's not ideal but lots of people all over the world live in flats and are able to get their children out during the day.

I think the problems here are far beyond what you are going to be able to help with, especially at a distance. Sounds to me like your SIL and BIL both need professional help.

diddl · 02/03/2020 13:42

"Something sounds very wrong for otherwise intelligent people to not be able to prioritise one of them getting out to work in the morning,"

Absolutely!

And to not be able to shower?

My husband used to offer me the chance to shower before he left for work.

But if I showered later with toddler sitting in bath & left baby in the cot, I could have longer in bed!

So the only job has been lost-what will they return to?

With any luck, just knowing that people are nearby to help if needed will help.

BikeRunSki · 02/03/2020 13:42

Are their May tickets their “coming back for good” tickets? If they are can you help with organising domestic things - house rental, looking into nursery provision, playgrounds, GP, dentist etc? If the two year old will be 3 by September, then they would be starting school September 2021, so maybe research local schools for them? Are they coming back to near family?

sarahjconnor · 02/03/2020 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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