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Original poster

SIL and BIL really struggling with two young children

104 replies

BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 10:48

I'm interested in tips that might help my SIL and BIL. They live a long way from the family (think another continent), and have two DCs (8 months and 2.5), who are healthy. We don't have children, so it's hard to get a bit of perspective, and so I was interested in views, and tips on how we can help them.

SIL doesn't work and has been a SAHM since the birth of their eldest. BIL has quite a flexible job. They are really perfectionist, so for example, breakfast takes around 2 hours from start to finish (smoothies, freshly made pancakes). This means BIL doesn't get to work until 11am. His work is less than pleased and his contract has not been renewed (understandably). Not only that, but SIL and BIL don't shower more than once or twice a week (saying they don't have time for it, with two children).

From the outside, they seem to be in a real mire, but they can't seem to find a way out. We visited them recently, but they seem to find everything so difficult. As a result, their finances are in a poor state, they're cooped up in a flat (as SIL finds it hard to leave the house with two children) and they have no family nearby. They are looking to move back home, but with no money, it's really hard. Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2020 14:15

I don’t think you can help them. I’d help with the practicalities of moving home - as far as possible. If you lend them money, I’d treat it as a gift.

If neither has a job, how are they going to pay rent on a house? Please don’t be a guarantor for them. The land lord will definitely come after the rent and has to agree to release you from the contract and they may not, which will bankrupt you. I’d also ensure no one else in your family helps in this way either.

It sounds as if this is a mental health problem primarily with your sil. Having children in a foreign country, where you don’t speak the language must be incredibly tough. Perhaps encourage her to seek therapy in the uk.

Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 15:52

I don't want to give a completely unfair picture of BIL and SIL - they're both well qualified and intelligent people, and if they could dig themselves out of this hole, they could be in a good situation.

OP posts:
Finallyatooth · 02/03/2020 15:58

I don't think anyone is suggesting that they aren't intelligent people - just that this behaviour is so problematic that they appear to be dealing with a mental health crisis. That sort of thing is very difficult to tackle and while it's very noble of you to want to help - it's going to be hard to unless they tackle the root of the problem.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Spied · 02/03/2020 16:07

I'm well qualified and intelligent
I also have MH issues.
It's seriously not as easy as digging yourself out of a hole.

My initial thought is that sil is making these long breakfasts in order to keep bil at home as long as possible because she's struggling.

jarjarjam · 02/03/2020 16:08

I don’t understand this. One’s a SAHM so how can the dad not get to work until 11? Pancakes aren’t amazingly healthy are they?but even if they want fresh pancakes it takes two mins to mix it up (and you can cook a batch and freeze with a piece of grease proof paper in between). Nutrition is important to me, I work part time and am busy and do prioritise batch cooking fresh meals and home baking to keep sugar down. But my husband and I need to make it to work also. Struggling to cope is very common but this sounds like an unusual way to struggle. If you’re far away I don’t think there’s much you can do but moral support is helpful and gentle talk about stripping back to basics and prioritising: 1) need to get to work in time and pay bills 2) cook simple healthy foods and 3) get the kids (and your SIL) out and about.

Elbbob · 02/03/2020 16:11

Have a look at booklets on Caroline Walker Trust website - eating well for 1-4 year olds etc - they have meal plans. I would suggest you look at the advice and provide a much reduced modified version of the info as it sounds like they maybe get overwhelmed with trying to stick to rigid nutritional values.

strawberrylipgloss · 02/03/2020 16:15

Bizarre thread.

I've been the SAHM overseas, can't speak the language (nor could my h) but managed to get oldest to pre-school by 8:30 and cope with another 2.

I understand that a perfectionist might be sucked into giving the right food to kids and keeping on top of things but by now they should have researched healthy but easy breakfast like toast, scrambled egg, fruit , cereal and got on with it. Smoothies are not good for you and pancakes isn't particularly healthy either.

The Dad going to work 2 hours late is just insanity?!

Do they have any friends with kids so they can see what a normal routine is like? The only explanation that I have for them struggling so much is them being too rigid in their thinking. For example she must have a shower after breakfast where as a normal mum might have her shower before the kids wake.

MangoHat · 02/03/2020 16:17

But what is the hole they are in that they can’t get themselves out of?

Is it BIL not having a job?
Or is it their inability to organise themselves in a coherent way?

Because if they are intelligent then it is blindingly obvious that 2-hr breakfasts need to stop today. BIL can buy some bread milk fruit and cereal on his way home and tomorrow’s breakfast is sorted. It is a seriously odd place that they are in if they are incapable of realising this and changing some relatively minor domestic habits.

midwestspring · 02/03/2020 16:20

I have also lived overseas with small dc, I don't think that this is the cause of the issues.
There must be mental health issues at play here.
People who are physically and mentally well would not be in this situation because sorting it out so that life functions ok if not always brilliantly isn't that difficult.
So they need to work out where the mental health issues that are getting in the way of straightening out their lives are coming from and they need to seek help for them.

diddl · 02/03/2020 16:30

"sil is making these long breakfasts in order to keep bil at home as long as possible because she's struggling."

Well yes.

What is hard to understand for many of us I think is that he has gone along to such an extent that he no longer has a job!

Although I'm wondering if there was always a possibility that the contract wouldn't be renewed & they would return to no job at he end of it?

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/03/2020 16:46

Is there a local homestart in their area that could help?

BreatheAndFocus · 02/03/2020 17:03

I don't want to give a completely unfair picture of BIL and SIL - they're both well qualified and intelligent people, and if they could dig themselves out of this hole, they could be in a good situation

Their intelligence isn’t relevant here. It sounds like SIL (and possibly BIL has mental health problems. They don’t need “tips”, they need some help for SIL.

You said they don’t speak the language but they’ve managed to have two DCs, who’ve presumably received medical attention. So they should seek support for SIL.

Thinking more, is it possible SIL is struggling so much that BIL couldn’t bear to leave her in the mornings and so list his job for lateness? Possibly the long breakfasts are a distraction and the real issue in the mornings is SIL’s stress/depression/whatever?

BreatheAndFocus · 02/03/2020 17:04

Lost his job not list

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/03/2020 17:08

Who insists on bil staying for the long breakfasts? Is it her or him? As a sahm I would expect her to get on with it really.

foamrolling · 02/03/2020 17:12

None of this makes sense. How can it possibly take that long to make pancakes and smoothies? They're not that healthy an option anyway. Why can't bil just up and leave at the right time? How can they be perfectionists but unable to stay clean or get to work on time? I don't get what 'hole' they've dug themselves into?

Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 17:13

I think they both want to stay for the long breakfasts. Of course it is madness from an outsider's perspective. The trouble is they're isolated on the far side of the world without any network, and so normal has changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 17:16

None of this makes sense

I don't think anyone says it should. Clearly it's not normal.

OP posts:
LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 17:17

He’s arriving late at work because of breakfast????

Smoothies and pancakes don’t have to take up half the morning: fruit coped up, bagged up and frozen in single portions. Pancakes - cooked in large batches, bagged up, frozen. Breakfast is now 45 minutes - max

managedmis · 02/03/2020 17:18

Let's face it, if they haven't learnt any of the local language whatsoever it's not gonna be easy living there.

Everyone likes long breakfasts but not to the extent that you compromise your livelihood? Your patience must be wearing thin with this, op?

Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 17:22

Your patience must be wearing thin with this, op?

Ultimately, it's not our problem to solve, but we talk a lot. We were on the phone this weekend (facetime) and my DH was talking about the shower situation. BIL was saying he simply does not have time to shower in the week with two children, and he was so stubborn. It's sad because they've turned what could have been an amazing experience, financial springboard into a real problem - they're coming home after several years abroad with no money, no job and mental health difficulties. The big positive is that they have two beautiful children.

OP posts:
Babybel90 · 02/03/2020 17:26

Why can’t they just strap the kids in the high chairs in front of the TV and grab a quick shower, let me guess are they the 45 minute shower types who can’t do anything by halves?

Original poster
BowermansNose · 02/03/2020 17:28

Why can’t they just strap the kids in the high chairs in front of the TV and grab a quick shower, let me guess are they the 45 minute shower types who can’t do anything by halves?

The children are not, and, as we were told quite insistently, will not be allowed to watch TV.

OP posts:
Babybel90 · 02/03/2020 17:29

So he’d rather lose his job than let his kids watch 20 minutes of cartoons? This is a problem of his own making and I’d leave them to it!

YouJustDoYou · 02/03/2020 17:34

Oh, they sure do need to get that stick out of their arses or life will remain utterly stressful for a very, very long time.

I was a sahm for 3 under 3.5 (with the oldest being a hell child of the utmost he'll hard difficulty setting, bless him) and I wanted to die some days, it was that hard. If I'd remained that rigid as they are I think i might of.

MangoHat · 02/03/2020 17:34

But why can’t your SIL sit with the dc while BIL showers and vice versa? She could have sat and chatted with you guys and while BIL had a quick shower! Held the baby and all of you sing nursery rhymes and do clapping games with the toddler! Small children are hard work but they are also easily entertained.

Sorry - it’s not like you are the problem but they seem so entrenched about being helpless and incapable when there is no reason why 2 adults could not manage these simple tasks. Plenty of people parent alone!