Do you get sad that you aren't young anymore?

[Borkins]

I'm 41 and life in many ways is better for me than 20 years ago. Yet I can't help having spells of overwhelming sadness that I'm not young anymore. It's ridiculous I know and 40s is not old and I get that every year is a privilege not afforded to everyone.

Yet I see that society values youthful looks. At my age you project more of a mature, mum image. Which is what I am of course but I'm also fiesty, passionate, sexual, silly etc

Yes I know how you feel.

I'm 31 but (younger) people are often 'surprised' and will say things like "OMG, I thought you were my age, I didn't realise you were 31!"....and they're like 26.

I think to myself, that is basically the same age isn't it?!?!?! It's weird when you end up working with people who are super young as well, when you're used to being the young one.

Yes and no.

I notice my body not being pain-free and strong - which is an age-related disability.

I have memories of that wild feeling of excitement that grips you in your late teens - and I'm astonished to realise that some emotions are hormone-based and I just won't feel them again.

I miss other things: people, places, emotional and social landscapes, which have been swallowed up in time. I miss them as I might miss friends: I know there are great things to take their place - but I still miss them.

I have a strong sense now of time passing and not returning. That's inevitable - and it would be strange not to miss that.

I realise - quite strongly - how much I enjoy being alive, and the things of this world. That goes hand in hand with the above emotion, so the two intertwine in a happy-sad way.

I think the only lesson you can possibly draw is to try and enjoy the time you're in.

My goal at the moment is to try and work within my disability to achieve more of my goals. It's frustrating to experience my body as a barrier.

But then, there's always something, isn't there? Lack of freedom, lack of money, lack of time, responsibilities for others ... it's as though there is always something stopping you from running freely along a road, filled with joy.

Something that really has changed for me recently, though, is my sense of connection to my younger self.

I always felt we were close together. Recently, I've felt as though we were in a crowd, her hand slipped out of mine, and now she's gone. I have to hunt for her in a sea of faces - and I just catch glimpses of her, some distance from me.

I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing.

Yes, I'm nearly 40. So much of my life is better now than in my twenties. But I miss the male attention and the feeling of all of life's possibilities being ahead. That said, I spent said years thinking I was fat, being worried about not having a good career. I wish I could go back and not give a shit, but it's the way of things. You have youth, or you have an accurate perspective, but never both together!

I'm 41 as well OP, and I have noticed definite 'older' looking changes in my face this year - my confidence has nosedived and I feel really fucking sad about it, like I'm approaching the scrapheap. I look in the mirror now and see my nan.

For those of you feeling past your sexual prime:

• Have a look at Gluck's self portrait and her portraits of older women.

They are sexual and sexy - and not young.

• Mimi, John Lennon's terrifying Aunt, had her first sexual relationship in her 50s, with a man some 20 years younger than her.

Our contemporary culture imposes an extremely narrow - and stifling - narrative about female desirability & sexuality.

But it is a fragment of the truth about desire.

Many older women are desirable and desired - by many people.

It is not a perversion to age, nor a moral failing.

Nor is it perverse to discover you are still a desiring and desirable being.

(Likewise, it's OK to feel happy about stepping out of the whole desiring/desirability dance.)

Honestly, I find it just bizarre that - in an age in which we now live longer, and crucially, we live well longer - we have chosen such a restrictive idea of desirability.

@thecatfromjapan

What a lovely post

I'm 47 and never married. Two 8 yr.old kids who I had alone after losing 8 precious
years to an abusive man.
No regrets. Have had some good long term.relationships
Will I ever marry? Sometimes feel.like I cant be bothered to date anymore what with kids and work and am destined to be single.
Then I think- is this it? It can't be! And what happens when my kids leave home. Hmmm. Food for thought.

@thecatfromjapan

Ditto! Great post. It's not that I'm not feeling sexy. It's more that I feel.like I've lost the art of meeting anyone and flirting anymore.

I will be 60 this year,on hrt so feel good.
I can dress how I like as I have non of the hang up I had when younger.I worry less about what people think and therefore dare to break the rules.I could now wake the dead shouting'boggies' in the library and would get away with it.
I enjoy conversations with men that actually look at my face!I do not miss unwanted attention.
The only problem is that the older you get the faster time moves on,I still have a lot to fit in.

greasyspoon Your life is going to be a shape you create.

From what you've written, I suspect it's not going to be an off-the-shelf shape: you've fought too hard for your self and your own life to accept something that suits 'most people'. You already know you're not 'most people'.

And I can also tell how much energy there is brimming inside you.

I'm also wondering what shape your life will take.

Right now, your chosen work is on building your foundations and creating something strong for your children.

I suspect your next stage - when you can turn your attentions more fully to you - is going to be quietly (or even noisily!) extraordinary.

Yes, regarding looks, shallow as that may be.
The rest of my life has never been better - finally in an amazing relationship, financially secure, great job, and an incredible DD.
The only thing getting me down is when I look in the mirror.
I’m 42, and my face looks rubbish (although other people tell me I look young) - makeup just doesn’t seem to work anymore!

No, I like being older and wouldn't go back to my younger days at any price. Op, at 41 you are still young even if you don't think so (neither did I at 41), and will probably blossom over the next few years and surprise everyone, including yourself.

I wouldn't go back for anything and I really like who I am now and my life, even with the accompanying stress and worry and the new aches and pains! BUT... I have really come to believe that the old saying, "youth is wasted on the young" is very true. I wish I'd known some of the things I know now. i wish I'd been more confident. I appreciate that I had to learn those things while I was young to appreciate them now, but still. Sometimes I wish I could just go back for a few weeks just to apply the skills and attitude I have now to my life then! Then I remember I also didn't have all the good stuff I have now and settle back into myself.

Yes, but for me I think that's mixed up with the realisation my marriage is on the brink and I just want to be back in a place where I felt happy and loved and like life was something other than an endless, depressing grind.

I'm loving life at the moment. I'm almost 48 and I'm so much happier now than at 38 or even 28. I guess if you have your shit together at 28 though it might feel different. I was a total mess.
As for looks I can't get worked up about wrinkles. Its inevitable.

I'm 45 so a bit in between, but I am pondering aging and responding to it I think.

One thing I will say is that I like being an older woman with kindness and experience under my belt. Skills. Its skills that I keep reading we have all learned and I'm grateful for that and happy to be that older women to younger people who might need someone. That's a nice part of aging.

I miss being younger but I really miss having the looks I had 20 years ago. I got a lot of male attention when I was younger and although I don't look too old yet, it's hard not getting the glancess and comments you get when you're in your 20s.

Beautifully written, wise words @thecatfromjapan

This especially stood out and really resonates with me

I miss other things: people, places, emotional and social landscapes, which have been swallowed up in time. I miss them as I might miss friends: I know there are great things to take their place - but I still miss them.

It's so true and exactly how I feel.

I spent a fair bit of time with my 12 year old niece recently who I'm sure views me as positively ancient (I'm 35 ). It was such a weird feeling as I feel like I was that age not that long ago at all and here's my wee neice at almost 13 already, where did that time go!? I wonder if she'll look back in years to come and realise I was actually really young. Just a random thought.

Fuck no - I turned 40 in October and I look better now than I did at 30!

Not only do I look better, I am fitter, stronger, mentally clearer, richer, healthier and seem to gain confidence as I go.

Despite being relatively outgoing, I seemed to exist off the back of my charm when I was younger, and of course spent plenty of time judging myself and worrying what others thought of me.

Not I absolutely don't give a shit! I got married at 30 and had DS1 at 31 - my thirties were spent raising babies and being a "wife" and "mother" and I had to put a full stop on all the adventures I had and life outlook on hold that I had in my twenties.

Well now I'm 40, and my babies are 8 & 6, I get to pick up where I left off and teach my kids that life is an adventure no matter how old they are.

Sometimes, yes.

I'm 56.

Ageing looks don't bother me, and the fact that I've never set the world alight career wise doesn't bother me. But I regret not having taken care of my health better over the last 10-15 years and I think doing what I can to change that (eg strength, balance) will be vital over the next year or so. My teeth and pelvic floor are completely beyond help I fear. I sometimes get a feeling of panic that through my own fault I'm not going to be fit enough to make the best of my later years.

I also feel sad sometimes to see DS, who is 18, heading off for a fun night out or making plans for the future with his GF. Of course I'm happy that my DS has a good life but when I realise how long ago it was that this was me and all the things I won't experience again, then I feel sad.

I don't miss being young at all I had an awful childhood and spent my teens and twenties mainly as a bag of nerves. Now in my 50s I feel a lot more content, and very grateful for the invention of hair straighteners, being as I spent most of my youth going around looking like I had Wurzel Gummage's pubes stuck to my head

No I prefer life now. I was always chasing impossible dreams when I was younger, all while wishing I was beautiful and a size 10.

Now I am settled and not really wanting anything I don't have. I have a lovely dd, I am happy to be a mum. I think it's all I wanted really. I know, a bit sad

Yes, very. I'm 54 and I hate pretty much everything about it and my ageing self.

I’m 61. I like being me, I wasn’t allowed to be for years. I have friends which is new and now when I go out, I’m invisible which I quite like.

It doesn't make me sad, but it shocks me. I remember when i was young reading about older people feeling young inside, and I'm that way now. I have all the trappings of my years but get caught out at times realising there are things that i will never do again.