What would your dp/Dh do in this situation?

[Tinaarena]

Genuinely interested to hear if I’m being unreasonable here or not (and FYI I don’t think I am at all).

I’ve just got back from Holiday With ds (8). It was lovely and hellish simultaneously, ds has a tummy bug and had severe d&v whilst there, I had a chest infection to the point I was coughing and making myself sick from doing so. I need a holiday to get over it but we managed to somehow have a lovely time and do what we could manage.

After travelling for the last 16 hours we arrived back this morning at 10.00. Dp collected us (he’s not been able to come due to university assignments etc) so we’re in the airport and realise he’s parked 15 mins away from the terminal which was a struggle getting to it - rather than just remember which terminal I’d said go to or I don’t know look at his phone at the numerous reminders he parked ages away.

We’re in car on the way back and ds for first time in days tells us he’s hungry I asked dp if there was food in, he said no he hadn’t been shopping all week as he’d liven off take aways. I said any bread at all? Nope was the answer there might be some milk.

Driving home he pulls up outside Aldi and I ask what he’s gonna get - his reply “oh I thought you’d wanna go in food shopping as there wasn’t anything else in”.

I did, came home made ds’s dinner, put shopping away, removed a drink from the kitchen table with mould in from the night we left for the airport and removed dead flowers from the hall. I’ve cleaned the kitchen floor and put a wash on and have finally come for a few hours but he genuinely can’t understand why I’m pissed off...

I’ve just had ds to myself sick all week long - barely any sleep, jet lag, chest infection allergies, I could go on and on but am I expecting too much to expect a little food in the house for when we got home - he knew what date it was. He even said on the way home oh it won’t take me 5 mins to go in and get some bread. That’s the point he’s had the last week to use those 5 mins but found the time to play halo constantly instead. 🙄

Would your do have the foresight to get something in for ds at least. I can sort myself out he can’t and I’d like to be 50/50 realising this yet it’s not.

Eternal student, is he ?

My H would have got basics in and cleaned the house. He would also have ordering in Just Eat at our request.

My relationship is very mutually respectful. I wouldn't get stuff in before going away. He would be annoyed if I did. He will want to buy what he wants to eat not be tied to my meal planning. The person who is away doesn't buy the food for the house because they aren't home to buy it. The person at home without children is having the easiest time and is physically present so they buy the bread, eggs and milk. Surely that's just plain logistical simplicity?

Leaving a mug to go mouldy on the kitchen table is rank. It smacks of dirty protest.

DH would have the hosur clean. Would have had bread and milk and some soup and fruit probably. Wouldn't have done a full food shop as he doesn't cook (we are both happy with this and he does other jobs I hate) but would have happily gone out and got anything I asked for and would have offered to pick up a takeawsy etc or would have made us some basic food - soup/sandwiches if I preferred

TorkTorkBam

I don't think there's a surely about it. I think it's something that's negotiated in a respectful relationship. My DH wouldn't have expected me to have shopped before I went but I would have done it as a way to express my regret that he wasn't coming on holiday with us. Equally, I wouldn't have expected him to have shopped ready for our return, but he would have done it. I also wouldn't have complained about where he parked though. I just would have been grateful that he collected us rather than having to get the train or a cab after a long journey home.

God almighty. Really, do women have to think of everything domestic in advance and ask/ remind partners to do even the basics?

If I was away I’d come home to a clean and tidy house, full fridge, dinner ready etc.
My DH does mire domestically than me tbh.

You’d be better off on your own.

My husband would have shopped for himself and made sure there was food ready for our return. He also would have cleaned up, because he's not an animal.

A mouldy cup is not 'dirty', it's fucking rank. I do wonder about some people's standards.

This thread has really made me feel sad. There are far too many women helpfully suggesting that OP 'should have got food in' before she left or 'should have done an online shop' from her hotel, and talking about how the DP is far too Busy and Important to do housework, including the cup left on the side for a WEEK and including the ten seconds it would have taken him to bin the dead flowers. I hope all of you who have posted such comments don't have sons! And I hope, if you have daughters, they grow up to have higher expectations than you.

What a spoon. Normal (male) partners, the ones with manners or at least a healthy sense of self preservation, would have the house spotless, food in the fridge, and clean sheets on the beds. Yes, there's been gaming, takeaways, and TV watching in underpants. There might even have been irritating mates round for poker and vodka frenzy. But everyone knows you come back from holiday fucked into a cocked hat, so the welcome goes without saying.

“It would be easier in these circumstances to not have another adult in the house as then you know it's all on you and you can't be disappointed.” - this is how I’m feeling to be honest. It’s shown me everything I needed to know to just stop trying.

hearhooves I don’t think you’ve actually read my replies - you seem he’ll want on proving your the perfect step Ford wife doing shopping for your partner to express sorrow he couldn’t come away with you - that’s a nice thing - nowhere in my op did I say I hadn’t done any shopping for him.

The freezer is bursting actually. I made chicken soup and froze it all before I left thinking I’d have something to return to - he’s used the 6 packets daily taken them out for his lunch and used them all up saving me or ds not a packet.

When I said shopping in (once again as I’ve now mentioned it twice, I meant the essentials - milk bread, sandwich meat) to come home from a holiday and not have stuff in to even make a cuppa is a bit frustrating I think you’ll agree. Yes it won’t take 2 minutes to nip into a shop to get some milk but why not do that 2 min job before I’m home - save me an extra thing to have to do.

The walk from the airport was nothing - frustrating but nothing that I couldn’t handle I mentioned it so as to describe the full extent.
The having to go shopping for ESSENTIALS is the main thing that’s pissed me off. Even the cleaning I could have left until tomorrow but I didn’t. It would have been nice to have the house clean as I’ve always done it for him but whatever - again it was the good thing that was my main thought - don’t even think for me I can fend for myself but think of your son - what would he like to eat? He’s a kid with jet lag what would make it easier for him? There was just no thought at all.

Went away last weekend. The nice food that had been brought for when I'd got back had been eaten. Not much milk or bread left. Had the forethought to send a shopping list for what was needed for tea via WhatsApp knew none of it would be in the house.
The excuse for scant else was oh you'd tell me off for getting the wrong thing. We've brought the same milk for the last 10 years

Ugh relationship is dead. It’s so depressing. (Except the walk to the car but, that’s how airports are )
it wasn't his fault that you were unwell.
Again ugh. Therefore he should do nothing about it? Is your partners bad day at work also not your problem? Your ill child nothing to do with you as it’s not like you gave them the virus? If it were cancer you wouldn’t lift a finger for your partner through chemo because it’s not your fault? Oh wait, I suppose he stopped outside the shop for the op to go in. Maybe you expect a good partner to drive their oh to chemo, then the oh can still do all the cooking and cleaning and shopping. Little tip- Thats not how decent relationships work.

It’s thoughtless and downright rude behaviour from someone who should be thinking of your and DS welfare. My DH is not perfect I’ve come back to a bit of a messy house but never no food in for my return. It’s basic manners I get bread and milk in for relatives if they have been on holiday why would a man at home not think to get some shopping in? Especially so if children are involved.
This speaks volumes to me about love and I honestly feel it’s a deal breaker that’s it! what is there to come back to?
I’d rather have come back to an empty house than that loveless shit.
Sorry if that seems extreme

Hmmm. DH probably would have had his shit together. But I wouldn’t. If I’m working on uni assignments/ thesis, and I’m on my own, I’d be completely oblivious to anything else. Probably working until 3 or 4 am, give up, sleep poorly, have papers and files spread literally over the entire dining table, get up, carry on, and emerge from the depths of concentration to scavenge periodically when I realise I haven’t eaten for 12 hours or so.
I’d be mortified, obviously, when it dawned on me. And I’d have been meaning to clean, shop and have my thesis finished and a nice roast in the oven.
But I would have been so deep in my head that I kept putting it off thinking there would still be time... and run out of it.
I would have been late to the airport too. And I always park in the wrong place.

My dp would have definitely done a food shop ( but no cleaning or tidying etc) ... I'm not surprised you are pissed off.

My Dh could be a bit of an idiot with a lot of stuff, but when we went away and left him home, due to him working, we came back to a spotless house and all the basics. He's a better housekeeper than I am usually.

@Tinaarena this is him giving the relationship extra effort to make it work... he just isn't interested not in your relationship nor being a decent parent.

Please tell him to move out it will be easier without him

If getting him to move out doesn't put a rocket up his arse that you are at the end of the line nothing will.

What! Why wasn't he waiting at arrivals ?! This is the norm surely. Especially with a sick child. I'm gobsmacked he couldn't do a quick online search for the correct terminal !

As for the cleaning and some shopping , my Dh would definitely have that all sorted as I would for him. My dh can't cook to save his life but he would have plans to order or pick up on way home.

We've both been in a similar situation and come home to a clean house, dinner ready and fridge stocked. Sorry op but you need to have a good long talk with your dp.

I did this. Came back, shattered and disability flaring up, with two kids with SN.
Difference was he sent a car to pick us up (he had to work, there was a bit of a cockup with the car finding us), house was immaculate with a bit of food in.

He was exhausted, and hopeless at taking over the kids. But I'll let him off because his dad was dying at the time. And his mum in hospital too.

If he hadn't had that level of excuse, I'd be distinctly unimpressed.

It’s very rude of him to act that way

Yanbu OP. My dh would have done the weeks food shop, and made sure there was plenty in for me and dd (especially if he knew we'd been ill) he'd have also run a hoover around and done the washing etc .

You've got a man child. Sounds like he's had a wonderful week of living off take aways and done sweet FA. I'd be fuming actually

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
I really would love to read the responses to...
I was about to say exactly this! If it was a man pissed off at his wife for not parking close enough and not having adequate food in for his return from holiday I bet the replies would have been very different

What a selfish prick.

But you know that OP.

You are better off without a waster in your life making it harder.

You have been sick, as has your son....you did not need a 15 minute walk. What a twat.

The house a mess...no food in.....doesn't know when his child is going back to school....twat, twat, twat.

Move on, how could anyone not be furious being involved with such a complete waste of space.

Life would be easier without him.

I don't get the upset that Op has gone somewhere DH doesn't like!
We can't like the same things and if we only did things are partners liked both people in the couple would miss out on loads of stuff the each like doing.
I go away frequently without DH as there are places and activities he doesn't fancy. He has never liked skiing. It's not a problem. I started taking my kids when they were around 5 and went every year without DH.. DH loves motorsports and so do the boys, me not so much so he has taken them to the Grand Prix all over the world. We love certain countries and go there together.
With regard to the shopping, DH wouldn't live off takeouts. He does most of the shopping anyway and stops off at Tesco or Aldi on his way home from work a couple of nights a week.

In your shoes OP I would wonder what the hell id married if I had to come home to basic household tasks.