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Original poster

What would your dp/Dh do in this situation?

142 replies

Tinaarena · 23/02/2020 13:36

Genuinely interested to hear if I’m being unreasonable here or not (and FYI I don’t think I am at all).

I’ve just got back from Holiday With ds (8). It was lovely and hellish simultaneously, ds has a tummy bug and had severe d&v whilst there, I had a chest infection to the point I was coughing and making myself sick from doing so. I need a holiday to get over it but we managed to somehow have a lovely time and do what we could manage.

After travelling for the last 16 hours we arrived back this morning at 10.00. Dp collected us (he’s not been able to come due to university assignments etc) so we’re in the airport and realise he’s parked 15 mins away from the terminal which was a struggle getting to it - rather than just remember which terminal I’d said go to or I don’t know look at his phone at the numerous reminders he parked ages away.

We’re in car on the way back and ds for first time in days tells us he’s hungry I asked dp if there was food in, he said no he hadn’t been shopping all week as he’d liven off take aways. I said any bread at all? Nope was the answer there might be some milk.

Driving home he pulls up outside Aldi and I ask what he’s gonna get - his reply “oh I thought you’d wanna go in food shopping as there wasn’t anything else in”.

I did, came home made ds’s dinner, put shopping away, removed a drink from the kitchen table with mould in from the night we left for the airport and removed dead flowers from the hall. I’ve cleaned the kitchen floor and put a wash on and have finally come for a few hours but he genuinely can’t understand why I’m pissed off...

I’ve just had ds to myself sick all week long - barely any sleep, jet lag, chest infection allergies, I could go on and on but am I expecting too much to expect a little food in the house for when we got home - he knew what date it was. He even said on the way home oh it won’t take me 5 mins to go in and get some bread. That’s the point he’s had the last week to use those 5 mins but found the time to play halo constantly instead. 🙄

Would your do have the foresight to get something in for ds at least. I can sort myself out he can’t and I’d like to be 50/50 realising this yet it’s not.

OP posts:
SuperficialSuzie · 23/02/2020 16:25

DP would have parked outside the airport til I said we were through and then come and got us from the pick up point.

He would have left the house clean and tidy and stocked with food.

He is an adult, capable of adulting.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/02/2020 16:46

They'd still probably manage to get some food in, tidy up a bit and cook for themselves unless they lived with their parents.

In what way hadn't he tidied up?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/02/2020 16:50

DP would have parked outside the airport til I said we were through and then come and got us from the pick up point.

I really think this depends on the airport. Stansted, for example, there isn't really anywhere to wait other than short term car park, which you have to pay for and then you have to pay to drive through the pick up point.

Gatwick is the same from what I remember plus parking there is a nightmare anyway.

I do think the things op was complaining about are quite minor but there's clearly a massive backstory which is fuelling this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

8 year olds
Original poster
Tinaarena · 23/02/2020 17:13

“Are you and DP currently "trying" to rebuild your relationship or are you living in a house share?“

In part both - we decided before I left we would work on things as 20 years together is a long time to throw away... maybe this is why this got to me so much. It’s just the lack of effort on his part yet again.

And to clear some other things up:

  1. I did not expect to come home to a full fridge. Just the basics milk, bread, stuff to make a sandwich with. It was him who suggested I do a full shop now I’m back home.
  1. His dissertation was completed and handed in 3 weeks ago - unlike other courses which I agree 3rd yr is the most dedicated year his course does not follow this pattern.
His next piece is due in end of April and he’s made no start on it. This is why he’s had the last week to himself.

I don’t mind this. I’d do it myself too but I’d give the house a mop and hoover before going to the airport to collect them both. Once home I’d ensure ds was fed while dp could go rest.

How silly of me to expect sort of the same but that would mean becoming an adult of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinaarena · 23/02/2020 17:15

Sorry should have explained the both part - it’s 50/50 of each as we work on things. We have separate rooms in the house while we still do the majority of things as a 3 person family. It feels like a house share more than relationship some days.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 23/02/2020 17:17

His next piece is due in end of April and he’s made no start on it. This is why he’s had the last week to himself.

He did nothing on it all week whilst you were away?!

Does he work?

QuestionableMouse · 23/02/2020 17:20

I'm a mature student, have a job and still manage to keep the house clean and tidy. I live alone so if I don't do it, no one will. He's having a laugh.

CherryPavlova · 23/02/2020 17:26

My husband is too old to compare reasonably but we wouldn’t be on holiday on our own without him. He’d have come and done assignments in the evening.
He always ensures the house is shut up properly and frets if I’m the last to leave in case pre holiday jobs aren’t completed to his liking.
If either of us is collecting a child from the airport we’d always have tracked the plane to arrive in short stay in good time to get through to arrivals. If I’m joining him abroad, I usually have a car booked but he meets me in the hotel reception and has tea or food and a porter waiting.
If I’m away for work overnight, I return to a spotless house, tea waiting, supper cooked, fire lit etc. He does the laundry and takes my case upstairs.

In what way is it a partnership? I wouldn’t be impressed.

RandomMess · 23/02/2020 17:29

Well sadly he has shown you how much effort he is going to put into making the relationships work. Honestly I would be so hurt at his non effort under the circumstances AngrySad

Fedupwithmyhouse · 23/02/2020 17:32

Mine definitely would have been more like your DH unfortunately but I probably would be too Blush

MooPointCowsOpinion · 23/02/2020 17:34

Another one here whose husband would have made sure there was food and the house was clean. This is shit behaviour, like a 19 year old gross student everyone secretly wishes wasn’t in the shared accommodation...

MaJoady · 23/02/2020 17:39

When I go away with work, I come home to a tidy house (not a special clean iyswim), some DIY done and meals planned for the next few days. When DH goes away, he comes back to a tidy house, some extra jobs done and meals planned for the next few days. Because we are both adults.

HollowTalk · 23/02/2020 17:43

@TSSDNCOP The shopping would’ve been the work of 15 mins for an online shop from the hotel before leaving.

You think the OP should do her online shopping on holiday with her sick child, while her partner is at home playing Halo?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/02/2020 17:54

I really would love to read the responses to

"My husband has just come back from holiday with our son. I picked them up from the airport but he's annoyed because I didn't park close enough and they had to walk to the car. When we got home he was annoyed because we had run out of bread and milk, there was a vase of dead flowers needing emptying, the kitchen floor needed cleaning and a dirty cup was on the table. He thinks I should have cleaned the house and done the shopping before I went and picked them up. AIBU?"

MinnieMountain · 23/02/2020 18:05

I'm at the train station waiting for DH and DS to arrive back from a week skiing.

The house is tidy, I've done and put away all the washing, shopped for the week and supper is ready.

I've not gone away without DH for more than a weekend since we had DS but I always come back to all that done too.

TSSDNCOP · 23/02/2020 18:10

Given everything else she’s said Hollow about the DP, yes, it would’ve been what I would’ve done.

This relationship, such as it is, sounds doomed.

HollowTalk · 23/02/2020 18:17

It's a pretty sad state of affairs, though, having to do your shopping on holiday while your partner plays computer games at home.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/02/2020 18:21

I do think if you're in a mutually supportive, loving relationship then of course you would expect your partner to have made the house nice, got food in and welcomed you home. But then equally I would have expected the partner who is going on holiday to have done equally loving gestures before they went - so to have got food in, some freezer meals or such like.

This relationship just doesn't sound loving, on either side, so that's why I'm a bit surprised that op expects her DH to be doing these things. It doesn't sound like either of them are caring for the.other or showing love to each other.

TSSDNCOP · 23/02/2020 18:21

Well I don’t disagree, but given the DP’s form it sounds as though OP could’ve predicted the homecoming.

I’m not saying it’s right, but seriously you think this relationship has legs based on subsequent posts?

OldEvilOwl · 23/02/2020 18:23

Why the hell did you wash the kitchen floor and tidy his crap up? I would have just sent him to the corner shop for the basics and worry about the rest tomorrow

MurrayTheMonk · 23/02/2020 18:27

I would be really really fucked off were I you OP. It goes beyond thoughtlessness and into actual meanness to me.
Is he on some level pissed off that you've been away?

It would be easier in these circumstances to not have another adult in the house as then you know it's all on you and you can't be disappointed.

Chociefish · 23/02/2020 18:28

You have every right to be seriously annoyed. My ex was like this and I would regularly come home to a mess, a weeks worth of dirty pots and zero food. In complete contrast my current makes sure everything is immaculate complete with food in and tea cup near the kettle for much needed brew once I'm through the door. Saying that he's a neat and tidy guy all round really so I don't think he sees it as a big effort and I can honestly say though that is very much appreciated.

Shamazing · 23/02/2020 18:47

Did you not get food in before you went away?

It's really not unreasonable to think that another adult can get some groceries in for their family returning. He's a grown man, not a 5 year old.

Bluntness100 · 23/02/2020 18:51

Very odd behaviour.

I went on hols with some female friends two years ago, when the four of us got back the house was clean and my husband had made a chilli and baked potatoes for us all, and it was about midnight, in case we were hungry, food in.

I travel solo a lot for work, so when I get back he doesn’t bother, nor me him, as he also travels for work, unless coming back at dinner time. The house is always tidy. But he’d not do what yours did. That’s really odd.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/02/2020 18:51

It's really not unreasonable to think that another adult can get some groceries in for their family returning. He's a grown man, not a 5 year old.

Is it not unreasonable to think that, before you went off on holiday, you would have got some shopping in for your partner who is being left at home? That's what I'm finding odd. Op doesn't seem to have shown much love or care towards her husband but then is surprised that he hasn't shown her any.

It sounds like quite a dysfunctional relationship with no love or respect on either side.

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