If you have physically well parents of 70+ how do they pass time?

[phivephatphish]

My DM is in her 70s. Very fit, walks the dog 2miles a day, keeps her own 1/2 acre garden in check, goes to 2 exercise classes a week, is in a knitting group, active in the local church, does some childcare, catches up with friends. We are staying with the in laws this week. Same age, both healthy. FIL sits in front of the computer reading nonsense all day. MIL incessantly cleans her already clean house. In the 10 years I’ve known them I’ve never met or heard of a friend. They live too far away to do childcare (and we wouldn’t let them anyway). They have no hobbies, no activities they do, no groups they are in. They aren’t constrained by finance. It feels like a prison sentence by choice. I’ve made many suggestions over the years to no avail. I can’t understand anyone choosing to live like this.

My ma in her mid 80s was more active then me many weeks. I saw her pretty much weekly - as she got older most often at her house as I helped with ‘tasks’ and had to fit that around my own very full time job and pretty full life.

I’d laugh to myself when we’d arrange a good time for anything - she’d say ‘let me check my diary’ - the thing is it was full - some hum drum stuff but including exciting interesting trips concerts parties galleries etc. She carried on being the same person she had always been (obvs) just as we all do unless physical or mental changes challenge/change that.

My mum does very little. She retired at 60 with virtually no pension,so she's broke. Her husband still works so she spends most days alone , eating and getting fatter. I do worry about her .

Reading this it would seem having money is a big factor in how active you are.

@Soffy I’d agree that money helps in an active lifestyle, but lots of the activities mentioned in the thread are free - walking, volunteering, church activities and gardening (as long as you don’t go to the garden centre too often).

The thread has made me wonder how charities and churches are going to exist when the current generation of 30&40 year olds get older as many of us will be working until out mid-late 60s and will certainly have less disposable income than the baby boomers.

Dad, hes a keen cyclist, well for 90 mins a day! Both him and my step mum are regular bridge players, they attend choir practice and other church related stuff, they enjoy theatre and museum trips and short regular holidays. Their social life far exceeds mine, Infact they have just employed a cleaner because they dont have time in their schedules. (There never fucking home....) my ex pils were exactly the same.
They occasionally help out with the dc, not that i expect it, but dad stepped up brilliantly when i was floored with a massive chest infection (single mum) and then when my car was written off, hes good in an emergency (ex military)and will happily sideline his activities if his dc or dgc are more of a priority.

My dad, 75: Amateur dramatics (set building rather than acting), DIY, church stuff, loads of long drives (2 hours plus) to have meals with friends, looking after the dog, working a smallholding... He is starting to slow down a bit now but it makes him cross.

My parents are 74; they go for days out (coastal town are popular), meet friends for lunch, have friends round for lunch, go to concerts/museums/etc, trot around after one of their own parents (both late 90s and in aged care), go swimming, go to 'groups' (can't remember its name but involves lunch and an interesting speaker), go on holiday, walk the dog, visit children/grandchildren, go on holiday...Seems pretty fun!

Parents are 74 this year. Dad is in a local quiz league and takes Spanish classes. He gardens, reads, and potters. Mum... I'm not exactly sure! Shops and cleans.

Widowed MIL is 73, and reads, goes to concerts, and is involved in our synagogue.

moaning!

He works! He’s 86

I wish he would retire and chill but he’s happy x

OP, I feel so sad that you’ve started a thread criticising your ILs. Has your DH seen this thread and what does he think about your criticisms?

If you genuinely wanted suggestions for someone who has asked for your help in finding activities for retired people, why didn’t you just ask that question, instead of comparing them unfavourably to your own parents?

Mine are currently in Namibia on holiday.

Mum - 86 - gardening, redoing floors (stripping, staining, varnishing), lawn bowling (fake lawn indoors), trips with a group to the races (they hire a coach), long brisk walks, likes browsing through shops and buying coats and jackets, will be joining a book group this Spring. Also watercolour painting, and is a member of a classical music appreciation and tea drinking group.

@phivephatphish, is your mum single? Mine is and didn't do any of that when my Dad was alive. It's possible that your MIL or FIL would do far more if they could feel they could strike out on their own, follow their own interests, without having to include the OH, forge friendships without having to integrate the OH into them, socialise at home without a gathering being taken over or embarrassingly shunned by the OH. There can be all sorts of politics (for want of a better word - maybe odd dynamics is a better term) with older couples.

I think the problem with a lifestyle like your ILs is when one dies, the other one will be very lonely.

Yes, I agree with this, because your ILs sound a lot like mine. FIL died three years ago and MIL is now very lonely. FIL was the gregarious one, but he didn't have friends, because he was one of those people who never shut up and he talked at people, so I suspect they found him tedious (as did I). He spent a lot of time at his computer reading rubbish and probably posting rubbish and watching crap on telly until late into the night. MIL is quiet and hard working and she volunteers for local charities 'just to keep busy', but she does nothing outside of that apart from walk her small dog to the corner and back a couple of times a day and sit watching foreign soap operas. I know she'd love a female friend or two, but she has no idea how to make friends and at 77 finds herself totally alone for the vast majority of her life. It's a salutory lesson to not only keep busy, but to maintain your ties to other people and to have a variety of things that you do, like and have always participated in.

My 7-something parents, step-parents and other older family members are all very sociable, busy, do things for others and the wider community, and they are always out and about.

My parents are divorced.

My mother goes shopping, visits friends, odd pub lunch, gigs of an evening.
She doesn't like gardening/church/tea rooms/baking.

My father visits relatives, catches up on box sets, goes walking.

When I retire I'm looking forward to watching Netflix box sets in my PJs, reading all my books, going to the cinema maybe, coiffing wine, and enjoying my own company - and just pottering about. My husband will be completing all the video games he never gets chance to play.

I don't intend to suddenly start visiting stately homes, take up knitting, go to church convert to gardening or go on walks. Great if you like that.

I've spent my whole life having to be somewhere and I am very much looking forward to lounging in my home watching crap TV.

They smoke, drink tea, read, do crosswords, listen to the radio
This is pretty much what I've got planned for my retirement. I'm not a 'joiner'.

DM ; WI , book group, gardening and gardening group, going to cinema ,walking group, volunteering. Surprisingly for someone who is a bit prickly frankly she says yes to things .

DF plays bowls, still goes to Rotary Club, see friends and children and grandchildren , gardening . SM is very involved at the church .

PIL are still caring for GFIL (103) they also do cinema and occasionally see friends but are generally less out and about . They are very involved grandparents

I'll caveat that with a spot of voluntary work, but probably from my arm chair too. I'm quite looking forward to not having to be sociable for once.

Of course..grandchildren might change my quiet and selfish retirement somewhat.

Oh and yy to the poster upthread who mentioned their parents doing the crosswords - sounds like bliss

Df does religious stuff all the time.
Dm does all the household tasks and cooking etc and religious stuff.
It looks miserable to me but they seem content and we hardly hear from them!

Pil are much more sociable and involved with their families, various clubs and groups etc.

I forgot cats. I will worship a few abandoned cats in my retirement, but not God.

They moved to Cyprus (the occupied half) when they retired. They chill in the sun in the day and as far as I can tell do a lot of partying in the evenings. My dad participates in mountain runs and has gotten into supporting the local football team.
My mum has an autoimmune disease so takes it a bit easier but organises charity events to fund healthcare for the local community (think a couple of dozen kids have been able to travel to mainland Turkey for cancer treatment that could not otherwise have afforded it.)

They travel to visit family fairly often.

Are they happy op? Or content? I don't understand how you can't understand their life. Shyness, lack of adventure, depression, self containment, the contentment of a life well lived, not needing the validation of others or doing things...the list is infinite. Are you worried you'll end up with one of them?

My mum is early 70s. She has a large garden that she is just about managing. Apart from that she has zero social life. Nothing. Has lived in the same house 30plus years, worked less than a mile from home up to retirement. Now, apparently, it is our responsibility that she is bored, miserable, depressed. I've taken her to loads of groups in the last couple of years but she's dismissed them all. Now does some childcare for my sibling but resents it, despite it getting her out of the house.

Dad and stepmum are never in! They holiday a fair bit (cheapo places with dirt cheap off-season flights), meet friends and ex colleagues at least weekly. Coffee mornings, volunteering, lots of friends and big families.

I will not feel beholden to my mum to entertain her, nor guilty for her current state of mind which is driven from her reluctance to engage with anything (other than moaning at me).

@phivephatphish. I know what you mean, but she wont volunteer and lacks motivation. Its fine to say walking is free etc. But when you're going alone then it's not the same. She is reluctant to make friends at the best of times ,but one reason is due to lack of money as she knows she cant afford the inevitable visit to coffee shops or lunches. Alot of this is down to her ans she has been stupidly wasteful of money and not made any plans for her old age,but shoes still my mum.i canthelp but feel a bit sad when I read about the great retirements being had by others. More reason to pay into my pension.

MIL (early 70s) is a bit like OP describes, although she does have long time acquaintances she calls friends and chats to when she bumps into them (she lives 3 miles from where she was born). Shops, swims, cleans, dog-care, husband-care, family, haircuts, doctor appointments, cooks, visits her sons.

MY parents (late 70s) travel all the time, play bridge/poker/pinnacle, shopping, cinema, eating out, dinner parties, volunteering, PT work (about 20 weeks/year), medical appointments, car maintenance, visiting family... They watch a huge amount of TV, too.