Inconsolable teen. So sad for my boy

[AlwaysRememberUsThisWay]

My husband and I adopted our son and he’s now a lovely, warm, loving, generous, sensitive 13 year old. He’s been playing online today with ‘friends’ and got into a bit of an argument with one of them about the game. This boy said ‘well at least my parents didn’t leave me’. He’s absolutely heartbroken and so am I. He has always been a little ‘different’ and has struggled with friendships but is so resilient and just goes with it, spending lunchtimes at the gym at school and tagging along really. He has some friends but no real firm friendship group. He’s confided in one or two people that he’s adopted and the word must have got round to this boy. I don’t even know why I’m posting-I’m just sad for my precious boy.

What a shitty thing for someone to say to him. I’d go through mine like a tonne of bricks if they dared say that to someone. How nasty. Some kids really are just Bloody horrible at ages where they should know way better

@NotALurker2

in a world where children are raised by alcoholics, sold into the sex trade

have you any idea why children in the UK end up being adopted

I hope that boy is feeling ashamed now.

That’s the thing though bullies never feel ashamed.

I love guyfawkesday’s reply.

Your son is lucky he’s been raised by parents who care about him. This other boy is obviously not so lucky.

What a vile thing to say. I’d tell your son to feel sorry for that boy as he obviously isn’t very nice for whatever reason - maybe his parents are dicks too.

@Ted27 Of course. Don't you think being adopted is better than being raised that way?

well done x

Some of the replies on here are unbelievable. The adult versions of that bullying teenage boy. In a society where we're becoming more understanding of the impact of various traumas, I think adoption is one of the last remaining areas where widespread ignorance and cruelty prevails. Absolutely loathsome. My heart goes out to your son OP, and to you.

Oh my goodness this just gets worse. I’ve now just literally had a phone call to say an elderly family friend who my boy is very close to has just passed away tonight. I’m going to have to tell him when he gets home from the football. 😢😢😢

@NotALurker2

the mere fact of adoption does not make it all go away. My son and many others will live with the consequences for the rest of their lives, some will do better than others, my son being one of then, but sadly very many will never heal

I'm so sorry for your son that's really, nasty of that boy. But teens can be really cruel to each other. Sometimes they completely go for the jugular. If another boy wasn't adopted they'd find something else to attack him about, like wearing glasses or having spots or wearing nerdy clothes.

Also, they can be very unkind if you're a bit different from the norm. My son is a bit like that, a little quirky and a bit quieter than some others. He went through a tough time but has made some good friends now. As they get a bit more mature they recognise the positive qualities of my son. The fact that he's loyal and kind and enthusiastic.

You sound like fantastic parents and he's got you there to help him with understanding the teen social jungle and building resilience. Does your son have friends/hobbies outside of school. It's always a good idea not to just rely on school friendships as they can be so flakey at times.

Poor lad ..he is really having to deal with a lot but he’s got you to look after him

So sorry to hear about your loss too.

I'm also an adoptee. I agree with those who have suggested reading The Primal Wound. I found it really helpful. As a child my "friends" used to call me "secondhand" . It hurt so much.

Please do not tell him that “he was chosen“ or that “he was lucky”

Adopted children/people hear this all the time. But the truth is that they were only “chosen” because their birth parents could not parent them themselves. They were not lucky. They were really unlucky to be born into the circumstances that led to their adoption. Most of them will feel this loss throughout their lives and it will impact on all of their relationships.

Telling them they should be happy or grateful makes it worse. It denies their feelings and makes them feel guilty about hurting their adoptive parents.

^ This is spot on. Please ignore the ignorant and insulting post refuting this by @MadameMeursault who clearly has no experience of adoption. Either that or she is Miss Hannigan in disguise.

"My parents picked me, yours got stuck with you."

Surely saying this makes them just as bad as the bullies?

@MrsSpenserGregson OP has already stated multiple times that she's already read Primal Wound

Yes @HavenDilemma it does

Thanks for policing the thread @HavenDilemma, very good of you

I am adopted and agree with the posters who are advocating emotional intelligence, resilience.

Many people have difficulties in childhood, adoption is just one out of many things that can be difficult, and essentially it isn't so much what happens to you in life, more how you learn to deal with it, that matters, I think. Whether or not we take every put down personally is our choice, we can choose how to react to things.

Though obviously if this is part of more serious bullying at school then I do think that would need more attention. Otherwise, OP He has always been a little ‘different’ and has struggled with friendships I would focus on this and not the adopted element in relation to helping him make friends now. Being "different" is fine, I am sure there are lots of people who are like him who he hasn't found yet, and this is worth bearing in mind. Making friends is a matter of finding like minded people - does he know himself well, and know what he would be looking for in other people re friends? - and social skills are vital, and if he needs help with these then there are great books aimed at kids. Adoptees will sometimes struggle because of identity problems and if so there is help available there too. I think try to focus just on making his life great and helping him have all the skills he needs for a bright future rather than dwelling on one put down online or being heartbroken about it.

Also to the pp who said it is the parent who does the day to day care who is the important one, actually for me and many adoptees the biological family is also very important. Both families.

Oh gosh, I wish I could you and your son a hug. Mostly because of how cruel the boy was... your son is being incredibly kind, generous and wonderful in trying to understand the nastiness (a courtesy the boy doesn’t deserve!) but also for your loss.

I am sorry for you and your son's loss and that his "friends" are so heartless.

I wouldn't try and talk to the parents or school, as you have said he is already a bit of an outsider and I feel this would put him in a worse position. I have a teenage son slightly older and unfortunately I think the only real option is for him to toughen up. I have had numerous hours of my son in years as he is very sensitive, he does seem to be coping better now he is a little bit older and I am kind of grateful it has been online so there hasn't been the public aspect of him having a cry (more fuel for the little brats).

Try and teach him to feel sorry for these people. Tell him happy people don't need to make horrible comments like this. There is more going on for this boy than is obvious.

This. Sending huge love to your boy. 'different' is awesome. He will find his place. You must be proud of him for not rising to this unpleasant child's nonsense.

I am so sorry for your loss OP and hope your DS is ok.

I am adopted and like to think I was chosen and feel no sense of loss. My adopted parents are my parents as far as I am concerned. Maybe it was different as I was adopted as a very small baby in the 60s, and so had no knowledge of my birth parents. I also don't remember any trauma and I don't feel any animosity against my birth parents either.

My parents picked me, yours got stuck with you."

Touché!!

This is perfect

Some of the replies on here are unbelievable. The adult versions of that bullying teenage boy.

Quite.