Inconsolable teen. So sad for my boy

[AlwaysRememberUsThisWay]

My husband and I adopted our son and he’s now a lovely, warm, loving, generous, sensitive 13 year old. He’s been playing online today with ‘friends’ and got into a bit of an argument with one of them about the game. This boy said ‘well at least my parents didn’t leave me’. He’s absolutely heartbroken and so am I. He has always been a little ‘different’ and has struggled with friendships but is so resilient and just goes with it, spending lunchtimes at the gym at school and tagging along really. He has some friends but no real firm friendship group. He’s confided in one or two people that he’s adopted and the word must have got round to this boy. I don’t even know why I’m posting-I’m just sad for my precious boy.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

This is nonsense, please ignore it. His parents are you, and you probably went through an awful lot to have him, and as a result, on average will love and cherish him more than on average birth parents who don’t give up their children for adoption do. He is lucky to have yo, and you are lucky to have him.

I’m sorry too, but however much your adoptive parents love and cherish you, and whatever their trials on the way to ‘choosing’ you, it doesn’t over-ride the fact that the people who are supposed to unconditionally love you decided to give you up.

BlueRussian, I have met my birth mother once a few years ago, she expressed no interest in meeting up again after that. I’m lucky to have a good relationship with one of my 3 half-brothers - my kids consider his kids their cousins.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Not sure why that didn’t format correctly - first paragraph is a quote

[AbsentmindedWoman]

@MadameMeursault it is astonishingly unfair to dismiss the shit luck part as 'nonsense'.

Have you any personal experience of the pain and inner conflict it causes when you don't grow up with your birth parents?

[cuparfull]

Don't feel sorry for your son, it's reinforcing negativity. Life is cruel and stupid people will always be around trying to undermine him, in life, in school and in work.
Endeavour to make him more resilient. Emotional intelligence is getting through life, taking the knocks and picking yourself up. It's crucial to teach that self reliance early on.
We all need to shape up and stop being so precious.

[amazedmummy]

OP you sound lovely and so does your DS. I love reading about adoptive families having good and open relationships as my DH didn't have that with his adoptive parents and it's really done a number on him.

[SimonJT]

Children, particularly teenagers can be very cruel. If he knows who the child is in real life I would inform his parents/school.

Sadly adults are just as cruel, my sons adopted, you would be amazed by how many adults ask me who his real dad is. Cruel comments will sadly follow him into adulthood.

[Wineiscooling]

Hey, I'm sad for you too that children can be so cruel. I have a 12 year old boy, he never joins up online with anyone now as boys were being mean and doesn't really seem to have any friends. It's heartbreaking as I think he's such a lovely, kind, funny and sensitive boy, I just can't understand why other boys don't want to be his friend. He's started drama a couple of years a go and it's done wonders for his confidence but not helped him make friends at school ☹️
I'm not sure what to suggest for your boy. Other than, he knows he's loved very much and the nasty bullies will always find a weak spot and try and get a reaction. If someone says something again he has to try to show them it's not affecting him and that he is confident in his families love for him. In fact he is so loved he doesn't need to be nasty to others to make himself feel better

[HappyDinosaur]

I was adopted and always felt special because of it, it has never had any effect on my relationships, nor have I had any feeling of 'loss' as mentioned on here. I am lucky as I have amazing, loving parents. Everyone's different but I did find the come back about being chosen came in handy once or twice. Children can be cruel, tell your boy he is amazing you are lucky to have each other and the other kid is an idiot.

[AbsentmindedWoman]

Don't feel sorry for your son, it's reinforcing negativity. Life is cruel and stupid people will always be around trying to undermine him, in life, in school and in work.
Endeavour to make him more resilient. Emotional intelligence is getting through life, taking the knocks and picking yourself up. It's crucial to teach that self reliance early on
We all need to shape up and stop being so precious.

Bullshit post.

You don't build resilience by pretending the bad, shitty things don't matter (by not 'feeling sorry' for OP's son) and brushing off your feelings Emotional intelligence is certainly NOT dismissing feelings, either your own or anyone else's.

Toxic positivity is actively harmful. It is not 'reinforcing negativity' to help your kid to process pain, especially pain as deep as rejection by birth parents.

[MrsGrindah]

He sounds like a great lad.

[foxyknoxy30]

Happened to me when I was in high school late 80's,a boy found out I was adopted and got called a lot worse,kids can be real shits but with you in his corner he will overcome it and hopefully one day the little shit will get shat on from a great height.My mum was my mum just cause she never gave birth to me doesn't matter an ounce

[HappyDinosaur]

Also, I think the point people are making about luck is valid. You can be lucky and unlucky at the same time. Unlucky in that you, for whatever reason, cannot be cared for by biological parents. Lucky that you have found loving parents to be there for you and who love you.

[Louise91417]

Reading your update your boy sounds like an absolute pet..you should be very proud to have raised such a thoughtful and considerate young man...pity the other boys parents didnt teach their son to be so considerate of others feelings...

[SuperFurryDoggy]

Bloody hell, what a horrid thing to say.

I don’t think it’s a smart comeback sort of situation. I suspect the friend in question acted thoughtlessly in anger and would benefit from having a parent or teacher calmly explain why what he said was so hurtful (not to mention untrue - nearly every parent who has given a child up for adoption wanted that child very much indeed and certainly didn’t ‘leave’ them).

I think I would be aiming to help my DS understand that he is not responsible for other people’s actions. Not his friends, nor his birth parents.

He will already know how loved his is by his real parents.

[IamDisappeared]

@tegucigalpa13 and @TheWildRumpyPumpus

This thing happened more or less exactly to me (albeit in a 1980's context), it cut deep and in some ways I've never got fully over it.


Please take heed of what they say about the "chosen" and "special" retorts, they are absolutely correct in what they say and this could backfire on you and your son.

There are marvellous resources, therapists and counsellors out there that deal with adoption. As an adopter you can (for adopted teenagers) be part of the problem sometimes as they have torn loyalties - I know this may appear slightly perverse as you are their parent and defender against so much. A neutral third party for them to work things through with can be enormously helpful. I hope that you understand that all of this is said with you and your sons best interests absolutely to the fore. You sound like an awesome parent.

[SuperFurryDoggy]

how loved he is not his!

[Dragongirl10]

That is really hurtfull.

My brother was adopted a year before my mum had me,
she always told him how hard she had to work to get accepted to adopt him, how much more difficult it was than getting pregnant, how worried her and dad were during the assessment peiod as he was already 'her son' ( she fostered him as a 6 week old baby)

I am sure you tell him similar, but really let him know what huge effort goes into adoption and how much you have to really be dedicated.

My brother was occasionally bullied but always said, 'at least l was chosen by my parents'...

[NomNomNomNom]

"My parents picked me, yours got stuck with you."

This is great.

[Nancydrawn]

Nothing particularly clever to add--just a note to say that it sounds like he is a remarkable kid and that you're a remarkable mother.

[Nomintrude]

Oh I’m so sorry this happened. I’m also adopted and I remember a similar incident in my teens. It’s just kids being stupid but obviously hurtful too. I’ve never felt any less loved or less a part of my family though and I’m sure you’ve given your son that same security. PM me if I can help.

[NotALurker2]

@AbsentmindedWoman -- I agree with @cuparfull. There's a big difference between 'brushing off your feelings' and picking yourself up and brushing yourself off after having them. Everyone needs to learn to pick themselves up and brush themselves off, because everyone suffers pain in this life. EVERYONE. Some manage to accept it and move forward while others are debilitated by it and define themselves by it. Emotional resilience is a must if you want to succeed in life. No one will go unscathed.

I also agree with @@cuparfull that people need to stop being so precious. In a world where children are living as orphans in rubble in Syria, used as child soldiers, raised by alcoholics, sold into the sex trade, etc. -- I'm sorry, but I don't think being adopted inflicts a wound that won't ever heal. I just don't.

[momtoboys]

I'm so sorry. I have a son, although an older teen, who has also struggled with making friends and its so hard to watch.

[Robin2323]

Your mum/dad are the ones who bring you up.

Read you stories.

Take you to the park ti feed the ducks.

Tuck you into bed.

Help with homework.

And a million other things.

It doesn't matter who birthed you.

My friend adopted a son and she is his mum through and through.

My own dd calls her step dad - dad. (She has 2 real dads).

Not quite the same but my point is giving birth doesn't make you a parent, where as
Bringing up a child with love and patience does.

I had a friend at school who I found later in our twenties who was quite bitter about being adopted.

I could never understand why as what difference does it make.

I'm sure all birth parents would keep the children if they could , but it is not always possible and that is about the parent, not the child.

[Bakedbrie]

It’s a despicable thing to say ...please please ensure that kids parents now that he said this, nasty piece of work!

[Craftycorvid]

Congratulations on raising a wonderfully emotionally intelligent young man who is strong enough not to rise to the bait. He’s the real winner here. The other lad’s dickish comment is only explicable (but not excusable) because he’s so young. Your son has shown maturity and insight in acknowledging it hurt him and in understanding why it didn’t sit well with his own values to retaliate. One day some lucky person will know him as a partner. His birth parents sadly didn’t get the gift of him as a son. You did.