Inconsolable teen. So sad for my boy

[AlwaysRememberUsThisWay]

My husband and I adopted our son and he’s now a lovely, warm, loving, generous, sensitive 13 year old. He’s been playing online today with ‘friends’ and got into a bit of an argument with one of them about the game. This boy said ‘well at least my parents didn’t leave me’. He’s absolutely heartbroken and so am I. He has always been a little ‘different’ and has struggled with friendships but is so resilient and just goes with it, spending lunchtimes at the gym at school and tagging along really. He has some friends but no real firm friendship group. He’s confided in one or two people that he’s adopted and the word must have got round to this boy. I don’t even know why I’m posting-I’m just sad for my precious boy.

[Luzina]

I think that the loss many adoptees feel does not negate a positive experience with their adoptive family. Its incredibly complex and its clear that you are aware and supportive of this OP.

i know your son doesn't want you to speak to school. However if he does agree you could maybe speak to his head of year or similar to discuss possibilities to support him with the social side of his schooling.

Good Luck

[SammySmyth]

Heartbreaking stuff.

I'm probably not the best parent in the world but I'd make sure his mum and dad knew how much pain he caused your boy. I know kids are kids but I'd do it anyway.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

I used to dream about being adopted by kind loving parents

sometimes birth parents aren't very nice

[mbosnz]

I just want to say thank you to the adoptees on here, who have shared their viewpoint. It is much appreciated, and I have learned from it. Sometimes the most well meant truisms can add salt to a wound.

[GuyFawkesDay]

In an ideal world, a sharp response nisnt needed. It's not ideal to "give as good as you get". I

But they do work to disarm the bullying attempts before the bullies learn that this is the "key" to getting to someone.

I saw it in my friend who was, and is, larger than average. When bullies used the fat insult she just whipped back with "I may be fat, but I can diet. You're stuck with that face" and that was it. They never bothered with her again.

It's not an ideal solution. But it can be very effective during one's teen years to bat off the numpties.

[Mintylizzy9]

Kids can be so cruel I’m dreading the teenage years, my ADS is only 6 so we’ve just started some very basic life story work. I little poem I found a few years ago sums it up for me, it may offer your lovely boy some comfort x

[GuyFawkesDay]

Kids can be vile. Teens are often verbally far more ready and quick to be cruel than adults.

It's something I see daily.

But I also see the amazing, supportive and kind ones. I have one ASD lad I teach. He was subjected to some bullying. Then two lovely girls asked to sit with him. Both have siblings on the spectrum and are amazing with him.

The nice kids outweigh the nasty. And many nasty things are said by kids who are just bring teens. They grow out of it.

[SuperFurryDoggy]

@ScreamingLadySutch

I hope you have family, love and happiness now.

[Bezalelle]

I have always felt that adopted children are far more special than biological children as they have been "Chosen"

I think this is a pretty shitty thing to say as well. I wasn't "chosen". I was assigned to a wealthy white couple because my birth mother was a teenager and my birth father was in jail.

[WatcherintheRye]

His parents are you, and you probably went through an awful lot to have him, and as a result, on average will love and cherish him more than on average birth parents who don’t give up their children for adoption do

Are you really trying to say that 'on average' adoptive parents love and cherish their children more than birth parents because of the rigours of the adoption process? What an odd comparison to attempt!

[SuperFurryDoggy]

All children are precious, regardless of whether they were planned or unplanned, wanted or unwanted, loved or unloved. The actions of the parents, good or bad, do not affect the worth of that child. The child is exactly as it should be.

Sorry, a bit off topic there

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

@Bezalelle well said. I ended up with my parents as I was the only mixed raced baby available through that agency when they were adopting.

Not to mention that my birth mother gave me up because it was convenient or comfortable for her to raise a mixed race baby having had an affair with a married black man.

Lucky me, eh?

Sorry to hear about your bereavement OP.

[Bluerussian]

My parents picked me, yours got stuck with you."

Parents do not pick the children they adopt, the adoption agency tries to marry them up with children they think will blend well and hope for the best. How they can tell that much from a little baby I don't know.

My parents took me at nine days old straight from the hospital where I had been born. The adoption went through about five months later. My 'birth mother' never even saw me. I can imagine how that must have been for me, taken straight to the nursery, handled and fed by strangers.

Life can be good for many adopted children though, it all depends on how empathetic and generally clued up they are. Some are marvellous. It is said by those who work in Adoption that couples who already have children or a child are better adoptive parents than childless ones - most of them are childless of course.

[ineedaholidaynow]

There are a lot of children who aren’t adopted who are abandoned by their dads. But these children aren’t talked about in the same way as children who are adopted.

[jellycatspyjamas]

I'm sorry, but I don't think being adopted inflicts a wound that won't ever heal. I just don't.

I’ll tell my daughter that then and she can just ignore the plethora of specialists involved in her care, all of whom are there entirely due to the circumstances giving rise to her adoption.

And no we don’t talk about children who are abandoned by their dads in the same way because they still have their primary carer, they may still go to the same school, have the same extended family, the same family culture and value system as before. By contrast, for my DC there is a point, a day in their lives where every single thing that they knew and was familiar to them completely changed and they were taken into care. And then once they got settled, adjusted to being cared for it all changed again when they were placed for adoption. If you can’t imagine the sheer terror of that for a 4 and 6 year old, you’ll be doubly glad you’ve not lived it with them. Modern adoption isn’t about relinquished babies going to eternally grateful parents, it involves significant trauma and loss for the child at whatever age it happens and that loss reappears every time they get called names or bullied or indeed suffer another significant loss.

OP I am very sorry for your loss and hope your lovely lad is doing ok, all things considered. Do pop over to the adoption boards if you need a bit of support or just to vent - it’s under becoming a parent but it covers the whole spectrum of parenting with people who really get adoption.

[moppunbuckut]

I'm sorry, but I don't think being adopted inflicts a wound that won't ever heal. I just don't as an adoptee I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. It isn't what happens to you, it is how you learn to deal with it which matters. @jellycatspyjamas Your dc will be able to heal if they get the right help. And yes, I was taken into care, and then onto a new adoptive home and in fact experienced adverse experiences in both and so I do know what I am talking about. I think you would be wise to not go preaching to other people about how your dc's losses are worse than others', it shows a staggering ignorance on your part and it doesn't help the OP or anyone else on the thread.

[moppunbuckut]

OP I am sorry to hear about the death, that does sound very heartbreaking and I hope that you are both ok. I have to say I found the other statement less heartbreaking, as an adoptee, but losing someone close to you is very sad.

[Avocadohips]

Just a thought sorry haven't read full thread as in a rush - is he/ tge oat boy mature enough for him to message the boy the next day to say "oi, you were rapt out of order and hurtful yesterday. I would like an apology please."...?

[BigSandyBalls2015]

I think how adoptive parents handle the questions etc as you grow up shapes how you feel about your background as an adult.

I was adopted in the late 1960s when I was 1, and I always knew I was adopted as I was so young when I was told so it never became a big thing. It was just a subject that became more discussed age appropriately as I grew up. They also emphasised strongly that my birth mother absolutely loved me and wanted to keep me but had no choice in the matter - young, Irish, catholic.

Whereas a friend of mine was told she was adopted on her 18th birthday

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Plus being very young also helps, it’s a very different story at 4 and 6 obvs

[ineedaholidaynow]

BigSandy I agree with you, and my circumstances are quite similar to yours although I was 6 weeks old when placed with my adopted parents although not officially adopted until 7 months old.

So I have no memory of my life pre adoption. And although I was adopted in an area well away from where I was born that made no difference to me. I feel no hatred or bitterness towards my birth mother and I hope she was able to move on and have a good life, like I have done. I feel no sense of loss.

I can understand it being different where children are older and have had more traumatic lives, but I don’t like it being said that all adoptees feel a sense of loss and that you must never say they are lucky to have the family they have. I felt very lucky that I ended up with my parents. My DF died a couple of years ago. I am sure the grief and heartbreak I feel is on the same level as someone who has lost their beloved birth dad.

[Bluerussian]

needaholiday, honestly it all depends on the individuals. I said earlier on I was adopted and I have known other adopted children and had friends who adopted two. Every case is different.

Adoptive parents have to be very sensitive to their children's feelings and needs; they must be scrupulously honest. Not all are, min weren't, what's more it was a taboo subject. I was told when I was four, just before starting school. Even at that age I felt 'different', however I was told my mother died and my parents adopted me, they took me straight from the hospital at nine days and were very pleased because they had been unable to have children.

Th subject could not be raised without gross awkwardness and minimal information was given. We were not good communicators and mum was often telling me that she knew why I acted in a certain way which was way off the mark - but there was no telling her, she couldn't be wrong. If I behaved badly I was not only severely told off but learned that I 'must have got that from blood family" (can't remember exact words), as my mum and dad and their families were not 'like that'. Also I was accused of being ungrateful, didn't realise how lucky I was. Constant nagging. Different when out and saw someone she knew....voice, words, mannerisms, like a different person. Dad never said anything.

I wondered about my mother, what she was like. I had a picture of her in my mind but thought that was too perfect, I needed to do that because other thoughts would be of some poor young woman, on the streets, homeless maybe even criminal. I was certainly given the impression that my parents were a bit 'better' than her and her family.

I was in pain and nobody saw it.

Roll on years and I was adult, married, a mother: I searched and after a while, found birth mother. I wrote to her, she replied then I travelled (to North Wales from London), at her invitation to meet her. She put me up in her spare bedroom for one night.

She was a widow in her fifties, been widowed eight years. Well educated, poised, kindly, a little shy. She told me everything and it was nothing like what I had been told and I left knowing I had nothing to be ashamed of. We kept in touch sporadically over the next nearly twenty years. She told me about an illness, phoned me actually, and I kept well in touch with her after that.

Nobody outside her immediate family knew anything at all about me, even her husband was never told. They were very happy, had no children.

She died two years ago - left me in her will! Along with her several nieces and nephews, we got equal shares. I was listed in the will as 'friend' :-).

I really do not want to say any more about me because this thread isn't about me; I wanted to illustrate how different each little family is and there are many other stories some of which are shared already.

Op, you sound like a lovely mum. All will be well.

[jellycatspyjamas]

I think you would be wise to not go preaching to other people about how your dc's losses are worse than others', it shows a staggering ignorance on your part and it doesn't help the OP or anyone else on the thread.

I have no sense that my children’s losses are worse than others - I’m not sure where you get that idea from. Nor have I said healing isn’t possible. I think you’re projecting somewhat.

[NotALurker2]

@jellycatspyjamas As you yourself said in your post, your DC's trauma stems from the circumstances that led to her being removed from her family and then adopted. They don't come from being adopted.

"I’ll tell my daughter that then and she can just ignore the plethora of specialists involved in her care, all of whom are there entirely due to the circumstances giving rise to her adoption."

[IamDisappeared]

@NotALurker2 except, you see, the problems may well extend from her adoption.

Any number of factors can give rise to this - lack of identifying features in the host/ adoptive family, unintentional treatment as 'other' by adoptive family members, a failure to bond with new family in the same way that blood relatives have been able to (this May or may not be easily recognised or even acknowledged until later life). There are many, many factors that can contribute despite the very best of intentions. Unfortunately adoptees are often lectured throughout their lives upon what they are really feeling or what has or hasn't affected them.