Inconsolable teen. So sad for my boy

[AlwaysRememberUsThisWay]

My husband and I adopted our son and he’s now a lovely, warm, loving, generous, sensitive 13 year old. He’s been playing online today with ‘friends’ and got into a bit of an argument with one of them about the game. This boy said ‘well at least my parents didn’t leave me’. He’s absolutely heartbroken and so am I. He has always been a little ‘different’ and has struggled with friendships but is so resilient and just goes with it, spending lunchtimes at the gym at school and tagging along really. He has some friends but no real firm friendship group. He’s confided in one or two people that he’s adopted and the word must have got round to this boy. I don’t even know why I’m posting-I’m just sad for my precious boy.

"My parents picked me, yours got stuck with you."

Totally agree. I remember going to school with siblings who were adopted and being really jealous. They seemed so special😊.

What a horrible little shit to say something so cruel to your son.

Please do not tell him that “he was chosen“ or that “he was lucky”

Adopted children/people hear this all the time. But the truth is that they were only “chosen” because their birth parents could not parent them themselves. They were not lucky. They were really unlucky to be born into the circumstances that led to their adoption. Most of them will feel this loss throughout their lives and it will impact on all of their relationships.

Telling them they should be happy or grateful makes it worse. It denies their feelings and makes them feel guilty about hurting their adoptive parents.

OP. I am not sure what you can do in these circumstances other than to tell him you love him, that you are grateful that he came into your life and that the people who have said this to him are unthinking idiots. I doubt they did it with malice. People can be so cruel.

Can you identify the culprits? I would be speaking to their parents/school.

Omg what a vile and vicious thing to say.

I'd want to reach him to say "well,actually that's untrue. My Laurent's choose to have me, love me and raise me. Your parents just got what they were given".

I doubt that would be helpful though even if therapeutic.

I would definitely speak to the school because you don't want a large group of children talking about this and risk of future bullying. And if you have parents contact details tell them. I'd rip my ds a new one if he EVER said anything so hurtful to another human being.

Cruel and senseless argument. His biological parents may have given him up because they loved him.

All you can do is love him through the hurt. Some people are so unpleasant.

How horrible for your son and what a shit bag teen who said that.

But i wouldn't dwell too long on it, and encourage him not to either. Something stupid and cruel said in a moment does not define him.

I'm mum to a 9 year son by adoption. There is a good adoption board here under 'Becoming a parent'.

To be honest I'd not aim to get into 'we picked you' verses 'you were born to us'.

I think it is important for your son to know (and I am sure you have made this so clear to him already) that what happened with birth patents is not about him, it's about them. Whatever the reason he came to you through adoption, it's not any failing on his part.

You love him amazingly and he is a total treasure to you.

If appropriate I'd be asking him how he can build up his self confidence sports/Taekwan-do/Karate, activities outside school etc.

The other boy's parents would probably be ashamed if they knew.

Teenagers can be absolutely vile to one another. Especially when they are not face to face.

I would probably just tell him that at least he has seen the other boy's true colours now, he knows he has a mean streak, and not to socialise with him again. He needs to surround himself with people who are kind and loving throughout his life, where he has the choice. He can only control his own words and behaviour, not that of others and if they're unkind, that up to them.

I would not let this slide.

Get in touch with the boys parents. They need to know about this. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences.

That's soo nasty, your poor boy. I would want to have a word with the 'friend's' mum, Id be pretty mortifed if one of my kids had been that spiteful.

I'd go along with what others have said - and what my aunt always said to her two adopted children - 'we chose you because you are so amazing'

Regarding friendships - does he have any special interests or hobbies where he could join a club outside of school ? He might find friendships easier if they share a common interest. Is there is anything he'd specially like to do this half term (assuming you have some time off work) where you can have a great Mum and son day out together ?

I might also have a word with the school when he goes back, and see what their policy is on cyberbullying. My DS is on the pastoral team of a big secondary school and they would take a very dim view of a pupil who was posting such nasty things, and would want to know about it.

I’d approach the school in the first instance. The DfE has guidelines to support adopted children, and this should include dealing with other children’s attitudes.

I’d be wary of speaking to the other child’s parents. They may have been gossiping about it at home, and be as insensitive as their child.

I’ve sent you a PM

such a horrible thing to say - they probably dont realise how hurtful it was hope your DS is coping and agree your DS was chosen

I
was shocked to read in article a while back that the head of a primary school said that one of the biggest problems she faced was children in juniors playing online games together saying nasty things to each other getting upset then refusing to go in the next day as they where so upset/embarrassed

Posts like the one from @tegucigalpa13 make me wish we had ‘upvote’ buttons on MN. Adopted kids (myself included) aren’t lucky or special because they were ‘chosen’ by their adoptive parents. Nobody is lucky to go through the trauma of being taken away/given up by their birth mother, no matter how wonderful their second family is.

OP, it was a shit horrible thing for this kid to say. How is your son generally with regards being adopted? I’m 39 now and it still hurts that my birth mother wasn’t willing to go through whatever it took to keep me with her. I ended up in therapy for years working through it and wish my parents had sought it for me when I was younger. Again, it’s not a reflection on great or not my parents were.

If you’ve not read the Primal Wound then please do, you and your son will benefit from it.

Whether adopted or not, everyone needs to prepare their children for being hurt on social media. It happens to ALL OF THEM, in one way or another. Prepare your children to be ready to pick themselves up after they've been devastated. It will happen.

Tell your DS if it hadn't been that comment, it would have been another one, and that every single person who has ever gone online has had their feelings hurt. (this is the truth....)

But the truth is that they were only “chosen” because their birth parents could not parent them themselves. They were not lucky. They were really unlucky to be born into the circumstances that led to their adoption. Most of them will feel this loss throughout their lives and it will impact on all of their relationships.

Both things can be true at once.

You can be unlucky to be born into less than ideal circumstances, and also extremely lucky to be cherished and loved by the people who adopt you and become your parents.

It's not asking the child to be grateful - just reassuring them that they know how valued and loved they are.

OP I'm so sorry your poor boy had to deal with this, what a little shit the 'friend' is. Hopefully he'll be mortified one day that he said that to your son.

That is terrible, your poor son. He and you sound lovely.
Teenagers do say dreadful things to each other without realising the impact of their words and this child needs to understand that what he said was wrong. If you know his parents I would have a word with them if you can.
Regarding your son I am sure you know the best way to make him feel better. If it was me I would tell him that the boy doesn't know what he is talking about and just lashed our because he was angry. That his biological parents were unable to look after him so they did the right thing by making sure he had a loving family to look after him. And you are his parents who are able to look after and love him and will never give him away.

I'm sad for him. It's a fact that young teenagers do say extremely spiteful things sometimes, they haven't learned tact. I used to receive remarks too as I was adopted and lots of stupid questions.

I hate all this 'I was chosen' business. The fact is the parents chose to adopt but they were chosen for me before I was even born; I was given to them not long after and had they been able to have a child themselves they wouldn't have adopted. There's nothing all that 'nice' about adoption and it's damned hard work for child and parents who are complete strangers to each other for a long while. The child has no choice! Better of course than being in care, I'll grant that.

Your son will learn to be more resilient and as he gets older, there will be less of such remarks.

tegucigalpa13's words are wise.

I am sorry for your son and for you as you feel his reflected pain. The pain of his loss is bottomless and all you can do is hold on and support him. This won't be the last time he is faced with this pain but hopefully knowing that you are right there beside him will help.

The school will get adopted from CLA funding for him. Have they offered any counselling- anything for his confidence? If not ask.

Teenagers are nasty when they want to be. I'm not sure teaching him to put other kids down "my parents chose me, yours got stuck with you" is OK either, it's the same thing after all, trying to upset someone by making comments about their family.

It's not a nice thing to say but I'm not really sure what you can do about it? It isn't schools job to watch your children outside of school, if you have an issue talk to the parent or maybe just stop the gaming?

But the truth is that they were only “chosen” because their birth parents could not parent them themselves. They were not lucky. They were really unlucky to be born into the circumstances that led to their adoption. Most of them will feel this loss throughout their lives and it will impact on all of their relationships.

This is nonsense, please ignore it. His parents are you, and you probably went through an awful lot to have him, and as a result, on average will love and cherish him more than on average birth parents who don’t give up their children for adoption do. He is lucky to have yo, and you are lucky to have him.

What the boy said to him is also nonsense. As I said, you are his parents and you haven’t left him. I like the stuck with you response above, however as a first resort tell the other kid’s parents if you know them. That kid needs a bit of re-educating.

I'm adopted and have had similar said to me, even as an adult.
It hurts.

TheWildRumpyPumpus, I have read Primal Wound, it was given to me by therapist. It is just so good.

I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. I wonder if you contacted your 'birth mother' you may get some answers or do you already know much about her circumstances when you were born. Thirty nine years later she is not going to be the same person she was then. I met mine when I was 37 and it was very helpful to me, I understood everything better.

@Bluerussian Biological children are strangers when they're born, too, and then as they grow they have parts of their personalities that are alien to us. Anyone who has more than one child can tell you they're all different. It's not as if raising biological children is like raising a miniature version of oneself. I have both biological and adopted DC, in case anyone wants to tell me I have no right to comment. My adopted child is simply my child. Period. Loving and bonding is a lot easier than people make it out to be IMO. I am flooded with love right now just thinking of my adopted DC. : )

I do think my adopted DC suffered a "primal wound" but my other DC have also suffered, for other reasons. No life is perfect. This is the human condition.

Thank you very much all of you for the words of support. We’ve had a long chat and a big cuddle and he’s doing ok. He’s now on his way to watch the football and have some dinner out with his little brother and his dad.

He says he thinks he was being oversensitive and that the boy probably didn’t mean to be so mean. I’ve also tried in the past to arm him with clever and witty comebacks but he always says ‘but that’s not a very nice thing to say so I don’t want to say that’ (bless him!) I can’t argue with that other than to say I love how kind he is but that he must stand up for himself and not allow others to hurt him.

I personally choose not to use the ‘chosen’ line with him. Some do but I just prefer not to use that angle.

He’s generally doing ok with the fact he’s adopted. We’ve always talked openly with him (at an age appropriate level of course) and he knows his story and understands it as well as he can at his age. He is so strong and resilient but this just touched a nerve today.

He doesn’t generally go online with others. I always told him he could have social media when he was old enough not to lie when it asked for his age. When he turned 13 he told me he didn’t want it-he had seen the arguments and upset it causes and didn’t want any part in that. Only last week he downloaded this group chat app where the boys speak together while they play online (actually using voices, not typing messages), and he was really enjoying chatting to these boys so it’s upsetting it’s gone wrong already.

The boys are friends (or acquaintances) from school. He is currently saying he doesn’t want me to speak to school which I will respect but I’ll ask him again next week when he goes back as I agree the boy needs to understand the impact of his words.

He does have a hobby outside school which he absolutely loves and is very good at actually and he has friends there but it hasn’t translated to anything outside of the hobby yet, but he does have a close friend who lives nearby who he spends lots of time with so that’s good.

He is a very outdoorsy boy, loves his bike and spends most of his time outdoors thankfully so this online thing isn’t likely to be an ongoing problem. He’s said he’s blocked this boy and will still play with the group, but just not when this boy is there.

In terms of the primal wound, yes I’ve read it thank you, as well as everything else I can get my hands on to help me parent him in the best possible way and to support him with his feelings as he grows.

Thank you all again-you’ve been lovely!

Family is more than just blood and biology

Families are made of those who you welcome and want you. Families are those you make memories with and teach you how to climb and naivigate the highs and lows of life and who you love with all your heart.

Some of the people in my family who are not blood relatives are kind and loving and some who were were heartless and cruel.

But the truth is that they were only “chosen” because their birth parents could not parent them themselves. They were not lucky. They were really unlucky to be born into the circumstances that led to their adoption.

Absolutely. Saying to my child they are lucky to be adopted is effectively saying they were lucky that their birth parents neglected and abused them and placed them at such great risk they needed to be removed for their own safety. That the trauma they experienced effectively brought them “luck”. My children aren’t lucky, they have what every child should have, the love and care and support that is every child’s birthright - as much as I love the bones of them, it would have been much better if they could have experienced that love and care with their birth family. That they couldn’t isn’t any kind of good fortune I recognise.