It’s interesting how we all know this and how important our weight has been throughout our lives.
The first time I thought I should go on a diet I was nine years old. I felt powerless. I felt that I was fat but didn’t know how to change it.
I was a teenager in the 90s; superwaif heroin chic was in and I didn’t think there was another way to be attractive. I developed an unfashionable hourglass body. Low rise jeans gave me a belly overspill so I hid in big hoodies and despised myself.
In my twenties, I learned how to dress my shape but my weight carried on bouncing up and down as I got sucked into an endless cycle of dieting, regaining weight and dieting again.
The lowest I ever got as a 5’6” adult was 10st 7. It put me into a healthy BMI category but looking back at photos it didn’t suit me at all. I hated that my body suddenly felt like public property and people commented relentlessly on my weight loss - how did you lose it, how will you keep it off etc and all the while the unspoken comparisons with my previous body that made me feel so bad as I knew that inside I was still a fat girl who didn’t belong.
Breastfeeding torpedoed any attempt I made at maintaining a healthy-ish weight. I piled on stones during maternity leave. I felt so wrong again; the midwives has told me that the pounds would melt away.
Second child didn’t sleep through until age 4. I was so exhausted I lived off sugar and caffeine. My job grew increasingly stressful. I was too tired to exercise. I grew steadily and steadily through the 15, 16 and 17 stone brackets.
I discovered body positivity online. I started to follow bloggers like Georgina Horne. I gradually developed a peace with my body and even at 17 stone and a size 18-20 I dared to shed the cardigans I had sweated through every summer since my teens in and I bared my arms to the sun. I went on beach holidays for the first time in twenty years. I went swimming. I even wore bikinis. I felt so free and so comfortable.
Now my children sleep and I’ve left that draining job and I want to take care of my body. I saw 18 stone on the scales at the start of January this year and I don’t want diabetes, I don’t want to be unfit.
I’m 15st 13 today and aiming for somewhere in the 12s. I felt I looked best around that weight which gave me a BMI of about 27. I can live with that. My body shape and frame doesn’t look great below it and any lighter is really unsustainable for me.
I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and energy on thinking about all of this for so long.