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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
KTJean · 09/02/2020 13:34

My experience is that your brain processes it when you are in a position to do something about it (in fact, I don’t think I really processed it for about five years after I left). Leaving is a process not an event. Concentrate on getting out and then when you are in a safer place, you can access therapy to process it all. You have done nothing wrong, it has happened to many other womenFlowers.

Make sure you do speak to people in RL and get support with him actually leaving (I ended up threatening to call the police with the harassment and it all got very messy). Women’s Aid were helpful.

SkySmiler · 09/02/2020 13:48

11 days post partum, shocking, what an arsehole.

This happened to me too, it's like the emotional part of you kicks your sex drive into touch! I cried after aswell, just awful, can totally relate to feeling dirty and detached too...

FantasticButtocks · 09/02/2020 13:50

I just feel bad that Im having to put the DCs through this with me.

Well, think what your dcs will go through if you don't. Because while you are living like this and feeling this way, there will be tension in the house which they will absorb. Also you won't be at your best while you're being dragged down like this.

I wouldn't bother with the softener of a two-week trial separation or no grope rule, you know it's over for you, so you may as well not prolong the agony for yourself or him by stringing it out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
BendyLikeBeckham · 09/02/2020 14:01

OP, the sex is another symptom not a cause of this relationship breaking down.

You have fallen out of love with him because he has been a shit father and husband.

And he sounds like a sex pest right now. Nothing works better to clamp up a vagina than a man whining and groping and complaining he doesn't get enough. As if you are just there to serve his neeeeeds.

BendyLikeBeckham · 09/02/2020 14:37

OP, I've just read your recent updates. I experienced something very similar. Plus lots of other abusive behaviour.

I can tell you that the first night I spent alone after he moved out was the best night of my life. I lay in MY bed, without fear of intrusion, without him stinking it out and taking up all the space, knowing I wouldn't be groped and nagged to give him sex, and I felt totally free and independent. Hold this thought if you waiver about kicking him out.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 15:12

Thank you bendylikebeckam
And everyone else who's posted. I just want him out of my personal space. If I didn't think it would cause a huge scene in front of the kids I'd tell him to leave today. Now. As it stands, it'll likely be this week when the kids are in bed. My friend who I spoke to knows and I'm keeping her updated because shes asked that I do (and in case he does get nasty, shes offered to come over and be with me whether or not I end up using the police to get him out and has said her partner could come while he gets his things at a later date). I hope its all unnecessary but you can't tell.

I had an ex that I dumped for various reasons but I had no idea how weird he'd go after we split. Turned up at my house loads and harassed my friends on social media. Ended up taking a police caution for him to leave me alone. I was hoping that would be the last post-breakup weirdness I'd have to deal with!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 19:52

Oh fuck. I've been looking online and it seems he has a right to live here as he's married. Even though he's not on the tenancy. I'm fucked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 19:58

I could bluff, as he knows he's not on the tenancy. He might not push it as far as I think. But it's risky. I'm so disheartened.

OP posts:
KTJean · 09/02/2020 20:07

Go and see a solicitor or see the Rights of Women website as they have helplines, I think.
He only has the right to stay there while you are still married, or I think you have to go down the injunction route (not sure of my terminology) which you could have a case for because of the sexual assaults.
Does he have somewhere he could go?

Don’t give up Flowers

TorkTorkBam · 10/02/2020 01:20

Call Womens Aid for advice

Cocomobile · 10/02/2020 01:37

Sorry haven’t rtft

Imo (and in my experience) you can get over it. But you’d really need to find a good couples counsellor and both of you commit to meeting with them to work on your relationship for there to be any chance of this working.

To me he sounds very emotionally immature, which is where a counsellor would help with trying to stop him from just following his normal response patterns. Eg you telling him you don’t want to be touched at all. His normal response would be to feel and act hurt. With a good counsellor they would reassure him that it was a reasonable thing to want, and that it WASNT a sign that you were planning to imminently announce you wanted a divorce.

Cocomobile · 10/02/2020 01:40

Ok just read your last couple posts and looks like you’ve decided to leave. I don’t blame you, I know how you’re feeling and if my dh at that time had done the stuff your dh is doing (asking to see breasts, touching etc) I would have HATED it.

Good luck op. Either way, it’s going to be a difficult road

Original poster
Lhia29 · 10/02/2020 09:04

Thank you.

I'm telling him tonight. I'm absolutely shitting it. But I'm telling him that we'll be living as housemates if he isn't leaving. We can do all our own stuff separately, washing, cleaning, cooking etc. I'm not doing anything for him. I'll be expecting him to do 50% of the childcare around work. I've never been so nervous. I told my friend so she's on standby just in case.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 10/02/2020 10:29

Don't give him the option of not leaving! Have the only option that he leaves and lives elsewhere. You do not have to put up with this abuse.

His behaviour is coercive control which is illegal now. You can get the police to help remove him and get an occupation and/or non molestation (if he won't leave you alone) order to keep him out if necessary.

I know I am projecting but my xh completely ramped you're the control, anger and sexual harassment once we separated and lived under the same roof.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 10/02/2020 12:00

I will pursue that once I've told him. I just got back from seeing his brother's wife who I'm close to. I disclosed what's been going on. She shared that his ex said she was scared of him and he was intimidating before they split so I feel so much saner. It isn't just me being sensitive. He's done it to others. Bad for the other woman but it's such a relief to know I'm not making mountains out of molehills.

OP posts:
accessorizequeen · 10/02/2020 12:15

I knew it was over the last time we had sex and I felt nauseous. And whoever said it's a sign that something is rotten in the relationship is right. Your body is telling you what you don't want to acknowledge. It's two years later, he's been a total arsehole and the kids still struggling but we will get there. I had problems with depression the whole time I was with him (19 years) and despite 2 of the hardest years of my life - no depression. You deserve to be happy.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 10/02/2020 12:42

I looked at the cps site about coercive control and what counts legally. It looks like he preventing me leaving the house when he says he thinks I'm going to do something stupid (I don't know where he gets that from) counts. Because you can't legally stop someone leaving if it's against their will. That and he's thrown things and kicked walls in the last and that counts at threatening and intimidating I think. I'll use that if I have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 10/02/2020 12:43

*him preventing

OP posts:
Daftapath · 10/02/2020 13:08

Also all the sexual harassment

The walking on eggshells

Original poster
Lhia29 · 10/02/2020 14:10

I told him. It actually happened. I got the balls. It was horrible but I'm proud of myself. He's still not accepting it but I told him I won't discuss it further and I've made my decision. I feel terrified and liberated all in one.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 10/02/2020 14:16

Well done! Yes, no be a broken record saying it's over, he has to leave.

He may try to make all sorts of promises about how he will improve things and then he may get angry. Still stick to your guns .

Original poster
Lhia29 · 10/02/2020 14:31

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
allthedamnvampires · 10/02/2020 14:49

Well done!

Original poster
Lhia29 · 10/02/2020 14:51

What surprises me is that I feel so happy and relieved. I've stressed myself out so bad this week that's I've not been sleeping or anything. Im so glad I don't have to kiss him or fake affection or serve any needs.

OP posts:
Kernowgal · 10/02/2020 15:15

Bravo! You are amazing! I remember the feeling of relief - I went out and bought myself a bottle of wine to celebrate. No longer did I have to dread hearing his key in the door.

I’m glad you’ve got support in case he tries anything funny. Keep being strong, you can do this. We’re all rooting for you!