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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 13:13

Thank you.

And that's a good idea. Because then I'll know I've been clear and that any overstepping of the boundary is a clear disregard for me or said boundaries. I wonder if he'd be able to keep it up beyond a week..

OP posts:
KidCaneGoat · 08/02/2020 20:35

Oh goodness, I’m feeling suffocated just reading your posts. Let alone being in it. Hope you find a resolution that works for you and the kids.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 20:36

Thank you.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
KTJean · 09/02/2020 07:46

The thing about telling him not to touch you for two weeks to see if he can keep to that request is whether you would actually want him to touch you after the two weeks are up - or if it could be two months or two years he should not touch you or ever again. The point is that it is setting up a test for him to prove something he has already failed at - respecting your boundaries - and that has already caused the damage.

My own experience was that when I upheld my boundaries around physical intimacy, the abuse simply shifted to verbal and psychological, he just looked for another way of getting to me.

I also think doing things under the guise of love, affection and care when actually you are ignoring the needs of the other person is a form of emotional manipulation.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 08:41

Me too. I changed my mind anyway. I spoke to my friend last night and spent a lot of the day looking at info about sexual coercion and I had a pretty sickening turn about, especially in such a short amount of time. But it's like the penny dropped and I know why I feel dread around sex with him and why sex has felt so wrong so many times with us.

I was telling my friend about the time 11 days after my C section. I was so tired I couldn't be arsed to do the whole song and dance with me saying I didn't feel like it, him saying he'd make it nice and all about me and it would reconnect us etc etc. It's murky because I could've said no and shut him down entirely. So it's not like it's rape but still. He should've known it was a bad thing to do after a huge op and when I'm bleeding heavily and at risk of infection due to a slightly open cervix etc.

Anyway I suffered awful bleeding after that. Flooding and flooding. I'd wear 3 mattress pads at a time (one at the front, one overlapping and covering the back and one wrapped around for good measure) and I would still flood through everything with these sudden gushes after only 30 minutes or so. I couldn't leave the house for more than 20 mins a time for 10 weeks and I had so many Dr's examine me to try and work out what was going on. I let slip to one when H was out the room that wed had sex early on and after that exam it turned out my cervix was damaged and open more than it should be. I was anemic and weak from the constant blood loss. Now it probably wasn't just the sex but that Dr seemed sure it detrimental. I brushed it off at the time but talking to my friend about it she was quite horrified. She said her h didn't come near her until she made it clear she felt recovered and wanted to of her own volition.

Whats worse is during that time h barely lifted a finger. I was doing way more than I needed to and it made the bleeding much worse. He even went out on a bender 2 weeks after ds was born. And I know he took drugs that night. He'd sit with me and DS when we were home and change the odd nappy but I was the one doing all the holding, comforting, sorting out older DS. DS wasn't even breast fed (I became too physically unwell with the bleeding and recovery from the c section) so he couldve held and fed him. It wasn't down to that.

It all got buried after the baby fog lifted and H was a bit better with him. But I'd completely blanked out the that horrible experience with the bleeding and that fact h contributed to causing it (and didn't seem to believe it at the time). I feel quite disgusted now. How do you do that to your wife when she's just carried your baby and had him removed via a huge operation? He can't have been thinking about my welfare at all.

Im talking to my sister in law on Monday because we're close and she knows what he's like. We spoke a lot when I first had DS. After that I'm asking H to leave. I'm scared about doing it all solo again but I know I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 08:47

I don't mean to sound dramatic but its made me feel quite physically sick remembering all that and seeing it in a different light to how I saw it back then. He knows I experienced and assault too and that it left a mark. I'm really angry. But it's probably a good thing because it will help me propel myself through the next few weeks.

OP posts:
31133004Taff · 09/02/2020 08:54

Don’t be scared to put in place self protective boundaries because of the ramifications. You are stronger than you know and are yet to find out. Star

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 08:58

I can see how it'll pan out. He'll beg me to let him stay a bit so he can find somewhere to live and the like. But hell be even harder to live with so I'll want him out pronto. Hell probably threaten suicide (and may attempt something because hes had depression etc in the past and been suicidal as a teen). I'll end up calling the police to get him out and if he threatens anything so he realises if he threatens suicide he just gets them turning up on his doorstep and looks like a twat.

If it goes differently that's great but I don't see it going well initially. It'll be OK once he's accepted it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 09:00

He'll bring up everything he's done for me and I will definitely be vilified to friends and family but I'd rather be alone and in their bad books than have to sleep with him even one more time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 09:05

I wish the talk around rape and sexual 'misconduct' included more talk of this kind of stuff. Its hard to see for what it is. I'm not stupid but it certainly snuck up on me and became the norm. Its always felt wrong but because I've never outright said no and then been physically forced (and he does it in a very "I just want to make you feel good" way) ive felt I'm being unreasonable for finding it really shitty.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 09/02/2020 09:19

He'll bring up everything he's done for me

Doesn't matter. Try not to worry about his response, because you know roughly what it will be, and it makes no difference. Once you know know what you want, just concentrate on achieving that, regardless of what he says. Just get yourself armed with a couple of sentences that can't be argued with.

I don't want this any more, my love for you has gone.

Everything you've done for me doesn't change my feelings, I'm done.

Sorry, but for me this is over.

I'm afraid I don't fancy you and I don't love you. It's beyond my control.

Look, I'm finished with this now. Surely you are not going to try to force me to be in a relationship with you?

Those kinds of sentences. Good luck Thanks

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 09:27

Thank you. Yes I've been trying to think of a few key phrases to stick to that he can't sway me on. It'll come down to me just sticking to those and not saying much more.

OP posts:
Stuckupsnob · 09/02/2020 09:32

How about you say to him that you need your space, you would like to have a two week space time of no groping and no suggestions of groping. Say it’ll sort your feelings out. Perhaps don’t say “2 weeks” to him but have it in your head. Call it breathing space. As a test if you like. If he can’t respect you then go to your mums so you can think straight about how you can move forward. I know you don’t want to leave your house, but he’ll agree to it.

31133004Taff · 09/02/2020 09:49

Put in a time scale. It is a clear and concrete boundary

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 09:51

I was thinking of doing the 2 week space thing. But like a pp said, it's dishonest because I want out anyway now. And I don't really want to leave my DCs with him when I know he'll be in a foul mood.

OP posts:
Stuckupsnob · 09/02/2020 10:01

At least you have the advantage of having the house, so just chuck him out then if he can’t behave. Easier said than done, but be firm stand your ground, change the locks on the doors.

Baddit · 09/02/2020 10:14

This is awful. Please throw him out.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 10:43

I'd either take his keys before he knows things are definately over or ask for them back when the police are there if he won't leave. Sounds heartless but I can't be doing with the extra cost or hassle.

I'm trying to decide whens best to tell him. It won't affect me much, I'd have to take him off our joint universal credit claim and I have supportive family of there's a delay in sorting out money on their end. It's more just trying to decide and time and place and how to tell my eldest and try and soften the blow for him. Youngest is too young to understand.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 09/02/2020 10:44

You seem to have seen the light. His behaviour has been horrific. Your plans sound smart. You'll be OK. In few month's time you are going to be living such a better life. It can't come soon enough!

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 10:44

This is not how I saw the start of the decade going. But nevermind.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 09/02/2020 11:34

Would you want to end the decade like this though? Or even the year? Next year will be better.

BemidjiMinnesota · 09/02/2020 11:52

Wow Lhia the story about your caesarean was absolutely horrifying. How could a man do that to his wife who'd just had a baby and a huge operation? He is a sick fuck.

I wish the talk around rape and sexual 'misconduct' included more talk of this kind of stuff. Its hard to see for what it is. I'm not stupid but it certainly snuck up on me and became the norm. Its always felt wrong but because I've never outright said no and then been physically forced (and he does it in a very "I just want to make you feel good" way) ive felt I'm being unreasonable for finding it really shitty.

This ^ is how I felt about my ex too. I like to think I am fairly smart and would never let anybody treat me badly, but the coercion and guilt tripping just insidiously crept in until I was lying there like a bag of potatoes, with tears in my eyes, letting him have sex on me (I will not say 'with me') because that was easier to deal with than his nagging.

Good luck getting him out Flowers

Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 12:48

True. I just feel bad that Im having to put the DCs through this with me. But it's not my fault really. I don't have a lot of choice.

And I relate to that so much. The last time we had sex I cried and it was horrible and he stopped and everything but the whole thing from the pestering, to the actual sex just felt physically wrong to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 09/02/2020 13:02

It's like my body understood how wrong all this was before I did. That's how it feels anyway.

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ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/02/2020 13:17

You brave woman. It's not easy to face this but by telling people in real life what's really going on will help you to face getting him out as well. I think he may get violent. He's been violent in the past. Can you get someone to be with you when you tell him, and for them to stay right up to he packs his bags and leaves? You're less likely to be talked round and he's less likely to blow his top.