I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

[Lhia29]

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

Thank you. I feel a bit guilty because he's now pretty blown over and inside I feel free and relieved and can't wait for him to physically leave. But it needed to happen. Thanks for all the advice and support on the thread.

Do not feel guilty. The guilt is all his.

If he doesn't turn nasty, he may do the opposite and try to win you back. Stay resolute.

If he thinks he'll be able to dig his heels in by playing nice and suddenly being a hands on dad he's very very very very wrong.

No need to feel guilty - he will try to emotionally manipulate you so remember why you have done this (and well done, so stick to it!!)
He can be Mr Hands on dad on his contact time when he moves out.

He told me just now that when he puts the kids to bed we're going to talk about giving him a second chance. Excuse me?? He's showing me to be absolutely correct in suspecting he's a controlling twat.

Then you simply say no, you do not wish to discuss. And repeat. And then please leave me alone, I said I did not wish to discuss. And then you are harassing me, I said I did not wish to discuss. And just keep repeating that. Or you can vary it with ‘I am happy to discuss when you are moving out though and any other necessary arrangements at (time which suits you), please leave me alone now’

Honestly, it used to make me hyper ventilate, these discussions but you need to don your hard hat now and just keep going till you get out the other side.

I honestly feel for you, I really do. It would be nice if he said okay, I am sorry to hear that, and just let things settle into you being separated. That would be hoping for too much, I fear.

Speak to whichever support organisation you need to. Do not be ashamed to ask for help.

I think id invite your friends over in time for that chat. I think you might need backup.

I just stick to I'll only talk about logistics.

He's found out he can legally stay for now. He's saying he'll stay 6 months to afford to set himself up. I need to talk to some people tomorrow to work out how to get rid of him before then.

He's gutted about not living with the boys and I do understand that. But I said he can have 50 50 if he wants it so I'm not being harsh.

@Lhia29 if he’s been doing coercive control, he can’t legally stay. Escalate this to authorities to get him out.

I'm just dreading it. But I can't do 6 more months of it. I said he won't be able to save because he'll still be on our universal credit claim and it'll all still be going on rent and the kids. I can't take him off and them not know he lives here.

He could sell the car. Its a few grand. Enough for a deposit on a flat and a month or 2 rent. I'll suggest that as well as looking in to getting him out legally.

Tell him that 6 months is too long as you don’t want him around anymore so he needs to think of an alternative. If he doesn’t, you will have to involve solicitors and possibly the police

He sounds AWFUL. Just get him out and away 🤮

I'm late to the thread OP but my goodness I am very proud of you. Stuck to your guns. You are doing great. We are all cheering you on from the sidelines.

Well done op.

Don’t go promising anything regarding residency or contact until you see how the next few months play out.
The cardinal rule for organising what happens with the children is what is in their best interests. Most likely it is some kind of pattern which replicates what they are used to. So if your small child is used to you being the main carer, then he or she may not react well to 50:50 and you will need to organise contact around what they can manage and as they develop. If your small child is used to both of you looking after him or her, and your ex gets a suitable place which means 50:50 works well for the child, then good and well. But take your time and make sure that the child arrangements are discussed entirely separately from when and how you separate because the focus of the child arrangements should be the child. You need a clear idea of what is in the best interests of the child, and everything is still very raw and messy, so honestly, do not go further than saying that you both will sort out an arrangement in the best interests of your child when he knows where he is staying.

Yes, get speaking to people to see how to get him out in less than six months, and don’t agree to anything yet - agree to mediation once the separate living arrangements are sorted so you have time to take legal advice and see how DC settle and you can think about what is in their best interests (don’t use the DC as a bargaining chip to get him out, they are two separate issues).

Hope that makes sense and does not sound too harsh.

Actually, scratch that about mediation - if he is a controller, it is not wise; however, court is very expensive and it is better to try and sort something out between you (I have been through failed mediation, then court and then failed mediation again). So don’t promise mediation either until you see how it goes.

I'm on the sofa. He's in bed crying. It's pretty awful

Don’t fall it. He’s trying to manipulate you. Please look up advice on how to get him out this week. With everything you’ve mentioned here, you’d likely have a case to do so.

Hugs to you. He's not crying for having upset you all these times. He's crying for himself. So, fuck him.

That's true. He's surprised I'm showing no emotion but I did my grieving and horrible period while still in the relationship so at this point I just don't care anymore.

Which is healthy and normal. He's not surprised, he's just casting around for more ways to wear you down.

I hope you're not planning on sleeping on the sofa tonight OP, reclaim that bedroom quicksmart. Stake your claim soon or you'll be on that sofa for 6 bloody months.

You can change your UC claim as you have split up even when he still lives there. I claimed when my ex still lived here. I double checked with them and they said it was fine if we had split, which we had. They didn't ask for any proof at all.

Agree with @WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo Get him out of there now. He knows what he's doing.