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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:38

If he'd actually agree to leave for a break or trial seperation then that would be great because once he was out I could say actually it's over (after a little bit). But he won't budge if it's temporary. It's been made very clear.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:43

He won't budge? Really? From your house.

I seriously doubt he will leave if you say you don't love him. He will double down on crying about having nowhere to go and will threaten suicide.

Every action is geared around maintaining access to your house and your body. None of it is designed to help you feel happy and/or cherished.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:49

If he goes down the suicide threat route I will call the police and have him forcibly removed! That would just be confirming what I've already been worried of on/off over the last 2 years.

I'll definitely have to give one solid reason to stick to. If I just say I think he's being rapey he'll cry or get angry, make out he's hard done by and potentially get nasty. I need to just have a reason, stick to it, be adamant he needs to leave and say if he won't within a reasonable time frame (ie a day or two to sort logistics for somewhere to stay) then I'll call the police because he has no legal right to be in my house. I don't want it to come to that but it might.

I think I've been putting off deciding because I know it'll be messy.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:59

That might be me overreacting. He might go easily once he knows I'm done with his shit and it can't sway me. It's hard to know isn't it. I'm not scared of him physically.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 10:06

The reason can be "The love has gone and it is not coming back. It is over."

"It is how I feel."
"I understand how you feel. I cannot change how I feel."

On housing
"You will work something out."
"Yes it will be difficult for you."
"No, this is my house. I am not leaving."

On child related emotional blackmail
"I have no intention of stopping you seeing the boys."
"I know you will work hard to make sure you keep a good relationship with the boys."
"If you truly want to be in their lives you will work out how to maintain that relationship after you leave."

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 10:14

What is he doing right now? Presumably you are up with the children and have been for a while? What is he doing?

something2say · 08/02/2020 10:17

Why not....quickly gather stuff you dont want him breaking or taking....
Sit him down, simple truth such as I dont love you. Repeat for an hour while he goes through his shock...
Then you go out with kids, maybe overnight.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 10:20

Thank you torktork that really useful. Yes he's hung over from last night so I said just stay in bed. I also wanted to space. I can let my guard down a bit when it's just me and DC awake. And I can post on here without him asking what all the back and forth is about.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 10:22

Good advice from something but don't leave the house. Suggest he goes to his brother for one night to get his head straight.

BemidjiMinnesota · 08/02/2020 10:30

Oh Lhia your posts are really reminding me of my ex DP. He would constantly nag for sex and make 'jokes' about it if I said no. He would try it on with me in bed and, if I said no, he would stop, but then 30 minutes later as I was falling asleep his hand would be running up my leg to try to finger me. Some nights he'd do it 3 or 4 times, with me removing his hand each time, until I exploded at him and told him to stop fucking touching me, then he got all sad and defensive and said that he only wanted to love me. It made me feel guilty at the time, but now I can see that he was manipulative and had no respect for me or my body.

It feels rapey because it is rapey. He has no respect for your boundaries, you are just a sex object to him.

Try to separate your feelings from his guilt trips. Let him move in with his brother, or back into a shared house. He's an adult and can look after himself. It's not your job to be his mum, you already have 2 kids.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 10:33

Do you get to have nights out with your mates too?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 10:38

bemiji that sounds identical to what's going on here. If I do explode, which I do sometimes, it becomes a "I'm just trying to love you" spiel.

I do get to go out of I want to. He's a bit pathetic about it, in that he'll act like he's really going to miss me for those 4hrs etc. But I see friends once a week. Occasionally go out drinking socially but nothing ridiculous. The only thing I'd miss if we split would be that ability to leave the house in the evenings.

OP posts:
PinkShinyFlowers · 08/02/2020 10:38

A friend confessed, to having gone right off her husband, she is now gay and happily engaged. She has children.
He took it badly, but they both see, lots happier now

PinkShinyFlowers · 08/02/2020 10:39

Seem *

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 10:45

Pathetic about you going out sounds bad too. You are in mid stage abusive relationship by the sounds of it.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 10:48

If I exploded at DH then he'd be trying to understand what I'm so upset about and how he hadn't realised earlier. He wouldn't be all self-justification or turning it round. He would be thinking about my feelings not telling me how I am allowed to feel.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 11:36

That's how I feel it should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 11:51

I didn't sleep well because of all this and him coming home pissed etc. So I decided to come for a nap while youngest DS naps. Eldest is out with his dad. H has literally only woken up 20 minutes ago and had breakfast etc and started following me upstairs saying he was coming for a lie down (I.e. a spoon) too. I ended up saying I need some physical space because I'm all touched out so he's downstairs fiddling about with stuff in the kitchen thankfully but for God's sake. He doesn't need the lie down. Why is he being so insistent on being as close to me as possible. It's like since the ultimatum he's ramped up his usual slight pest-ness and is scared to leave me alone with my thoughts or something.

OP posts:
flyingfoxes · 08/02/2020 12:05

I haven't read all the replies so don't know if this has been mentioned. But thought I'd throw this out there since you seem to want to keep your relationship if you could get past the ick:

Have you changed or gone on new birth control in the last year? It's a well studied effect of birth control that it can change the type of man you're attracted to. Some women find when they start or stop taking hormonal birth control they lose attraction to their partners, but regain it if they go back to what they were using (or not using!). Might be irrelevant, but might also be worth considering.

SunshineAngel · 08/02/2020 12:16

Firstly, sorry, but I haven't read the full thread.

I just wanted to say PLEASE don't stay together for the kids. My parents did that and my mum is now 55 and my dad 60, they split when my brother left to go to uni, and they told us in no uncertain terms that they stayed together for us.

This has left me with huge amounts of guilt, as it now feels too late for them to make a new life for themselves (indeed, it's 5 years on and neither of them have met anyone new), whereas if they'd split 24 years ago as they apparently should have done, life could have been much different.

Breakups are hard on the kids, yes, but so long as both parents are mature they can absolutely be dealt with. Two happy parents is much better than a miserable home with no love.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 12:26

Thank you

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 12:28

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head. I bet he is afraid to leave you alone with your thoughts. Any objective observer can see the obvious cocklodging and abusive tendencies. You will sew it too if you have much of a moment alone. After all, his extra couple of hours in bed led to quite a lot of realisations for you didn't it?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 12:34

Yes. He doesn't do any of this in a clearly nasty way. It's all under the guise of love and affection and care. Which is why I've tended to feel guilty.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 12:41

Here's a trick for not feeling guilty. Tell him you are feeling the need for more physical and emotional space. True. You want no touching for two weeks and you need an hour a day on your own (he has the children, you go for a walk, a lie down, whatever). This is not a crazy request for two weeks. Then when he breaks the deal you will see how it is all about him being selfish and you'll feel righteous anger instead of misplaced guilt.

Selfish people are very good at making others feel guilty for not centering the selfish person all the time. The selfish genuinely feel you are unreasonable if your needs/wants even slightly interfere with their needs/wants.

candycane222 · 08/02/2020 12:43

He may be telling himself its 'because he loves you' too. Only his idea of 'love' is about access to your body and control of your behaviour/ thoughts. Most of would not want that kind of 'love' - you are under no obligation to want or accept it either

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