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Original poster

How do I put someone off staying at mine when I made an excuse last time?

111 replies

Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 14:52

Hi all,

An ex colleague/ friend has put me in a bit of a position. I have really bad anxiety and know I am making much of it! Would appreciate thoughts on how to respond.

They invited me to drinks in my town as they are visiting which I accepted. They then invited themselves for a 'sleepover' (not in a sexual way) that night. I wasnt so comfortable with this as I don't actually know them that well and i really value my time at home regrouping for work so made an excuse.

Turns out I got the date wrong so drinks are actually in 2 weeks. They have asked again whether they are able to sleep over now. Should I just make up another work related excuse?

It's not a question of living far away and needing a bed for the night, they want to socialise at my house.

I know none of this is the end of the world but they are being a bit persistent (I wouldn't have invited myself to someone's house unless they were a much closer friend nor have asked twice) and I'm just not that comfortable! They're not the quickest with picking up social cues so I am expecting a reminder.

I know it's ridiculous posting but my anxiety makes things seem harder than they are.

OP posts:
needsahouseboy · 07/02/2020 14:54

I would be honest and say you don’t like having people stay.

Cao77 · 07/02/2020 15:01

Could you just say you don't have the room for them to stay over or alternatively say that your currently in the middle of decorating your spare room?

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 15:01

Personally I'd not have an issue with this, and would welcome them back to my place, but understand some people do have real problems with people in their homes, from reading mumsnet. We, on the other hand, have had all types of waifs and strays stay and feel anyone is welcome.

Either make and excuse or cancel it if you can't cope. If they are coming for drinks, then likely they don't think it's a big deal to stay over rather than a hotel or travel back , and they likely don't suffer the same anxiety and mental health issues you do. So either cancel or lie your way out of it, as I'm guessing uou don't want to tell them you have issues?

ConcentricCircles · 07/02/2020 15:02

They want to use you for their own convenience, and therefore are CF's of the highest order!

Each time they ask/invite selves/persist, you say 'that doesn't work for me' / 'sorry, not convenient / 'I don't want to' , or the best of all, a big fat 'NO'.

You do not have to explain why to them either.

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2020 15:04

I would just reply with “Im sorry that’s not possible”
You don’t owe them an explanation and it’s fine that you don’t want someone to stay at your house, like a PP I wouldn’t care but it’s your house so entirely up to you

mummmy2017 · 07/02/2020 15:04

Dear friend, while I would enjoy meeting up for drinks, I have issues over letting people stay over, I hope this doesn't spoil our friendship and will understand if you want to cancel. Thanks OP.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 07/02/2020 15:06

They're visiting anyway not visiting you? As in you're not the reason for the visit? I wonder why they aren't staying with the primary reason for the visit? Or is the primary reason work?

It sounds a bit odd on their part anyway, especially the persistence.

I'd just say no, sorry, I'm not set up for overnight guests and don't really like having anyone sleep over. They sound a bit of a cheeky type so I think you probably need to be clear not make up excuses.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 07/02/2020 15:12

Bluntness100 presumably by your use of "we" you live with another adult.

If the op lives alone she's vulnerable and it isn't necessarily a sign of fantastic mental health for a woman living alone to invite all sorts of waifs and strays to sleepover, or of "issues" not to want to.

I actually think the ex-colleague sounds a bit iffy and suspect that the OP didn't get the date wrong at all, but that the ex-colleague changed the date as soon as the OP said sleeping over wouldn't work on the original date, "oh sorry did you think I said the 7th, nope I said the 21st - so can I sleep at yours?"

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 07/02/2020 15:14

Also OP is this persistent ex colleague who you don't really know very well male by any chance?

Whynosnowyet · 07/02/2020 15:17

Tell them smashing as you have just signed up as an air B&B host. They can be the first guest and here are your rates...

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 15:19

Yes I live with my husband, and my daughter when she is back, I have had friends and colleagues stay when I'm on my own though Confused I'm not vulnerable as I'm a woman.

And I don't see why the friend sound iffy. In my social circle it is quite normal to stay with the person you're out drinking with.

GU24Mum · 07/02/2020 15:22

HI OP, I'm assuming there isn't a particular issue with the person coming to stay and it's just that you don't like visitors (which is fair enough). I'd text back and say that you hadn't wanted to sound rude when he asked last time but that you're not good with overnight visitors so you'd like to meet up but cant' offer a room.

lemontreebird · 07/02/2020 15:23

If they don't know your home, then it's easy to say you're not set up for it as a pp suggested.

LolaSmiles · 07/02/2020 15:24

Be polite but firm and say "I'm really looking forward to drinks but I don't like having people to stay over at the moment"

The problem with pushy people is whatever excuse you give, they take it on themselves to solve it.
Eg "I'm decorating the spare room" = don't worry, I don't mind the mess / I can sleep on the sofa
"I've got an early appointment the next day" = that's fine, I can get up early
"actually there's a rat infestation and water coming through the roof so I've got eat poison and buckets everywhere" = a little chaos didn't harm anyone. I'll bring an extra blanket and we can top and tail in your room.

Annasgirl · 07/02/2020 15:34

My favourite MN expression "No is a complete sentence". Just say no. DO not offer an excuse.

No one should agree to host people if they do not want to and I would never, ever dream of asking a former colleague if I could stay with them (it really is CF behaviour).

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 15:34

I do quite regularly have closer friends and family to stay, I just feel a bit blindsided by someone not that close and who I haven't seen for quite a long time asking and then pushing.

itwillbebetterinaugust well, when we worked together they were male but have now come out as gender neutral (I have no issue with what gender they identify as). And you're right, the visit is to do with work, not primarily to see me.

Bluntness I fully understand what you mean, closer friends can and do make full use of my sofa! And as you say, I wouldn't want to tell a work friend/ acquaintance (frequaintance?!) about my MH stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 15:37

I think you're all right though, thanks for the affirmation. A firm but polite response is needed here.

OP posts:
Nikster11 · 07/02/2020 15:39

Totally understand! Also my worst night are having anyone over to stay!

I would just pretend a family member is staying over and there isn't any room, or if you have children say that they aren't sleeping brilliantly at the moment.

Failing that, just be honest and say you feel loss of stress/pressure having people over to stay.

Clymene · 07/02/2020 15:40

You are not obliged to have anyone in your home you don't want there for any reason at all. It's your home.

I don't like anyone coming to stay with me - even friends and family!

LolaSmiles · 07/02/2020 16:07

I would just pretend a family member is staying over and there isn't any room, or if you have children say that they aren't sleeping brilliantly at the moment
If they're pushy CFs that won't make a difference:

No room: no worries, I'm sure I can just crash on the sofa/bring an airbed
Children not sleeping brilliantly: That's not a problem. It's only a night /we'll not be having an early night anyway / I don't mind a bit of noise / I'll help when they get up / I'll bring my earplugs.

Cheeky types have an answer for everything.

Drum2018 · 07/02/2020 16:11

You simply say that it doesn't suit you to have visitors staying over. You don't need to make excuses or apologise for it. It's none of their business why you don't want them to stay. Just text back and say 'it doesn't suit me to have visitors staying over. Will meet you at xo'clock as arranged'. And think no more about it. If they have the nerve to ask why, again you say, 'it doesn't suit'.

Abraid2 · 07/02/2020 16:31

I have issues over letting people stay over,

This sounds a bit in the same category as the MN refusal to open the door if someone knocks or rings the bell without giving notice.

I think I'd say it would not be possible, don't mention 'issues'.

Dustarr73 · 07/02/2020 16:33

Cancel the drinks,problem solved.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 07/02/2020 16:48

Bluntness100 anyone living alone is more vulnerable than two or more adults living together in the context of inviting "all types of waifs and strays" to stay the night, and obviously women living alone are more vulnerable than men, other things such as age and health being similar.

To pretend a single woman wouldn't be vulnerable inviting "all types of waifs and strays" to stay the night and that not inviting someone you don't know well to sleep in your home where you live alone, as a woman, is indicative of a mental health issue is deliberately obtuse. In fact a woman living alone inviting male bodied waifs and strays whom she doesn't know well, who are persistent/ pushy and don't pick up on social cues, to stay would arguably be showing the kind of risk taking behaviour associated with some mental health issues.

Do you advise your daughter to invite all sorts of waifs and strays to stay when she's living alone away from the family?

Ikora · 07/02/2020 18:18

I love having visitors if I like them enough. It sounds like they want a free place to stay. Don’t feel obliged but you neither need to lie because they may then suggest another date nor do you need to reveal all. Just say they can’t stay. Plus as they are not someone you are close to who cares if they drop the friendship. Plus the persistence thing is just rude isn’t it.