How do I put someone off staying at mine when I made an excuse last time?

[Feelingabitashamed]

Hi all,

An ex colleague/ friend has put me in a bit of a position. I have really bad anxiety and know I am making much of it! Would appreciate thoughts on how to respond.

They invited me to drinks in my town as they are visiting which I accepted. They then invited themselves for a 'sleepover' (not in a sexual way) that night. I wasnt so comfortable with this as I don't actually know them that well and i really value my time at home regrouping for work so made an excuse.

Turns out I got the date wrong so drinks are actually in 2 weeks. They have asked again whether they are able to sleep over now. Should I just make up another work related excuse?

It's not a question of living far away and needing a bed for the night, they want to socialise at my house.

I know none of this is the end of the world but they are being a bit persistent (I wouldn't have invited myself to someone's house unless they were a much closer friend nor have asked twice) and I'm just not that comfortable! They're not the quickest with picking up social cues so I am expecting a reminder.

I know it's ridiculous posting but my anxiety makes things seem harder than they are.

I would pull out of this meet up altogether. This person is far too pushy about staying overnight. They will bring it up again on Tuesday. It is not how colleagues normally relate to each other.

With that reply I wouldn't go. That's stunningly pushy. He'll try it on on Tuesday because as you pointed out, he has the hide of a rhino. Cancel at the last minute and then be unavailable from then on.

Oh dear they do sound determined. They sound like my sil who even when I try say no and dh etc she arrives with overnight bag. I think I'd have to cancel this meet up. They sound very intense and forceful . I wouldn't be surprised if they try to ask again on the night. Is this person important to you ? They're a colleague right ? Would it be so bad if you didn't socialise with them. Fake illness tomorrow or Monday and cancel and never meet them again outside of work.

I'm wondering if the idea of a sleepover fits in with some narrative your friend has constructed in their head. Like "all girls together, having a girly evening chatting and drinking wine in their pjs". Their gender issues made me wonder if there was a particular reason they were being so insistent about this and not letting you politely get out of it.

No way would I be having a male who doesn’t respect your “no” to stay over.
I also agree with others he will likely push the issue again in person - I don’t think he’s a safe person.

He is not your friend. Friend's don't behave like this. I would change the arrangements. Meet for lunch.

If you do meet for drinks, leave early so he can still get a train home.

Is anyone else coming to the drinks? I would take someone else and tell them he's pressuring you to let him come to yours overnight and won't take no for an answer. Ask the person to help you slip out if he gets pushy at the drinks and starts to seem like he'd follow you home.

How are things this week? Was it last night that you were supposed to see him?

Just found this thread. How did it go OP?

A person coming out as non-binary doesn't make them trans or suddenly interested in talking about 'girly/blokey' stuff. It hasn't changed anything about the person, just the wider public's perception of them. So a lot of these comments are really weird.

But to address your problems OP, I think you just need to be honest. If you continue to make flimsy excuses and push the issue away then your colleague will continue to ask. If you are honest and explain that you are uncomfortable with having overnight guests at your house then there's no getting around that reasoning for them. They will not be able to push again without being an active wanker. Right now it's misunderstandings and perhaps deliberate obtuse behaviour, but if you're just honest about it then it's straight, and it's clear, and there's no reasonable way to continue to push.

I would send a polite reply back that you don’t do stay overs for colleagues but that if they do want to spend the night in [your town] then there are some good Air B&b properties that are good value or the Premier Inn/Travelodge/etc is good too - and that’s where you always recommend people stay.

Also make sure that if you do meet up you have cash to pay fir your share of the meal or drinks, you haven’t had too many drinks and you have taxi/travel planned so that you can leave briskly by saying that you’ve just spotted the time, you have to get home by xx time and that you’re sorry to have to dash out on them but you’ll leave them to finish their coffee in peace, see them another time, and go, so they don’t really have a chance to say wait, I’m coming with you.

@Feelingabitashamed
How did it go?
Did you cancel?