How do I put someone off staying at mine when I made an excuse last time?

[Feelingabitashamed]

Hi all,

An ex colleague/ friend has put me in a bit of a position. I have really bad anxiety and know I am making much of it! Would appreciate thoughts on how to respond.

They invited me to drinks in my town as they are visiting which I accepted. They then invited themselves for a 'sleepover' (not in a sexual way) that night. I wasnt so comfortable with this as I don't actually know them that well and i really value my time at home regrouping for work so made an excuse.

Turns out I got the date wrong so drinks are actually in 2 weeks. They have asked again whether they are able to sleep over now. Should I just make up another work related excuse?

It's not a question of living far away and needing a bed for the night, they want to socialise at my house.

I know none of this is the end of the world but they are being a bit persistent (I wouldn't have invited myself to someone's house unless they were a much closer friend nor have asked twice) and I'm just not that comfortable! They're not the quickest with picking up social cues so I am expecting a reminder.

I know it's ridiculous posting but my anxiety makes things seem harder than they are.

Right op but I wouldn't meet that person for the that drink.Sounds like they will hassle you to let them stay.

I feel really uncomfortable reading what you are writing.Its not sitting easy with me.I can't put finger on it though.

Just say you don't feel comfortable having colleagues staying over. That's all you need to say.

If they push when they reply, just send back a firm ‘I don’t do overnight visitors’. Don’t apologise, because they’re really rude to keep asking when you haven’t leapt on their request to stay. Odd. They can pay for a hotel.

I hate having people stay over too. I think the only reason is that I'm not a morning person, and very much need a brew and something to eat before I can be remotely civil haha. Not normally an issue in everyday life as DP goes to work earlier than I get up in the week, and has a bit of a lie in at the weekends, so breakfast time is my "me time". Give me half an hour on my own and I'm fine!

So I wouldn't want people staying over, as it's even harder if you feel you have to entertain someone or make their breakfast etc.

There is one friend who I don't mind, as she literally gets up and just leaves really early (like, 7am), before I'm awake, and she's a really good friend so I just say grab a brew and some toast or something. She knows the score and it works fine!

Just say no

If it’s a work related trip then work should pay for accommodation.

I suspect though that he knows you’re a soft touch and he can walk all over your boundaries.

Just reply, “no, I’m sorry, that doesnt work for me.” If he persists and asks why, just say “personal reasons”

Dont let him come back to your house ‘just for a quick drink’ or you’ll never get rid of him.

I think they are a cf who needs a (free) bed for the night and are dressing it up as wanting your company. It’s not like you’re really good friends. It’s really unfair how pushy they have been,
I’m glad you have declined, hopefully they will accept and not push back.

For me the issue would be that they have assumed it would be ok to ask, I wouldn't ask unless someone had previously offered or I knew them very well. You are not being unreasonable to suggest they find somewhere else to stay

Don't make an excuse, just say that they won't be able to stay with you and give them the details of a local b & b.

Dustarr73 because if a male pressures a reluctant female acquaintance into letting him stay over, you'd probably assume he's got something more than a film in mind

That male labelling himself non binary doesn't really make a difference really. Especially if the male has previously indicated they find the female attractive.

NB. I'm talking about biological sex, not gender when I say male so hopefully that won't get the post zapped...

'Personal reasons' is a good one if he pushes for more frown and say it's personal I don't want to discuss it, then frown and glare!

I suck at saying no to this stuff and would simply cancel the whole thing. Last minute sickness so then staying over wouldn't be an option cause I'm sick haha

Jesus wept, this person is really pushy and CFer! Have you actually already sent the response? If his response is anything other than 'Okay, that's cool, see you for drinks then' I wouldn't meet this person at all. You've already said no, that should be the end of it.

I don’t have anxiety and still hate people staying. I don’t like unannounced visits either. You don’t have to have an excuse - that implies that they have a reasonable expectation that they should be allowed to stay - they don’t. A “Sorry that’s not possible” is sufficient. You are worried about seeming rude, but if they repeatedly ask despite you stating its not possible, then they are being rude and can be safely ignored.

By the point of being hassled on a Saturday morning about it, I'd be texting 'Not happy about the pressure you're putting on me, so I'm going to give it a miss'. And then ignore them. If nothing else, the response to rejection might be enlightening.

@FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack that was my point.The cf knows the op will probably let them stay if they keep asking.Which is why i would just opt out of the drinks as well.

I think if you want to continue socialising and developing your friendship with this person OP, then the best thing to do is be upfront about it. Otherwise you'll be in the position of having to make excuses again in the future. I would say something like "Oh honestly I am a bit rubbish about having people to stay. I'd love to spend the evening together though. Let's just have drinks / go for dinner / whatever, I'm really looking forward to it!"
If they can't take a polite no then I would rethink the friendship altogether. I don't like having my boundaries pushed, especially not by a male bodied person who has already overstepped a bit by inviting themselves to sleep at your house.

Don't make up a silly excuse. Just say sorry it's not convenient. End of. Only an idiot would push it and of they did say Sorry. It's. Not. Convenient. But here's a name of a local b&b....

Response along the lines of 'ok, maybe (I'll stay) next time. See you Tuesday at xx bar'. Talk about having the hide of a rhino!!! I am feeling tempted to call the whole thing off.

Sent without any excuse, just a polite 'no'.

Go on Tuesday and don't bother with a next time. Bloody cheek.

Yeah I think you're right Drum this persistence not helping me at all and I will just be waiting for them to ask again. I think I will be unavailable from now on.

Bet if you go on Tuesday, they'll still be expecting you to provide accommodation - something like 'oh, the hotel's overbooked' or 'We've missed check in time now' - anything to try and force you into having this person in your home overnight.

Your home is your safe space and they're attempting to steamroller you into having it invaded. Irrespective of the gender/sex of the person doing that, this is creepy, entitled and coercive.

I really do think that cancelling - at the last minute if necessary (if they've got themselves stranded with nowhere to stay because they assumed you'd cave with enough pressure, it's their problem) - would be the wisest and safest choice for you.

Don’t go - my money is on once you have had a couple of drinks and they have softened you up a bit they will tell you their (non existent) hotel / alternative accommodation has let them down at the last minute and you’re the only thing between them and the park bench.

Yeah, don't go. Cheeky Fucker has dismissed your reply and has lined up his next stay already.

I’d be going low or no-contact from now on. Strictly work only OP.