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Original poster

How do I put someone off staying at mine when I made an excuse last time?

111 replies

Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 14:52

Hi all,

An ex colleague/ friend has put me in a bit of a position. I have really bad anxiety and know I am making much of it! Would appreciate thoughts on how to respond.

They invited me to drinks in my town as they are visiting which I accepted. They then invited themselves for a 'sleepover' (not in a sexual way) that night. I wasnt so comfortable with this as I don't actually know them that well and i really value my time at home regrouping for work so made an excuse.

Turns out I got the date wrong so drinks are actually in 2 weeks. They have asked again whether they are able to sleep over now. Should I just make up another work related excuse?

It's not a question of living far away and needing a bed for the night, they want to socialise at my house.

I know none of this is the end of the world but they are being a bit persistent (I wouldn't have invited myself to someone's house unless they were a much closer friend nor have asked twice) and I'm just not that comfortable! They're not the quickest with picking up social cues so I am expecting a reminder.

I know it's ridiculous posting but my anxiety makes things seem harder than they are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 08:14

Hollowtalk that is a really good point and could be true to a degree but to be honest they have travelled on holiday abroad several times and go out regularly in different cities since transitioning (including in my town). I know this from SM and our chats from time to time. I've suggested a bar they've mentioned visiting before as it is important they feel safe and comfortable.

OP posts:
FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 08/02/2020 08:20

That's kind of you, but they don't appear to be worrying too much about you feeling and comfortable.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:20

Is the person still pressuring you? What form does it take?

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 08:30

Tork I've woken up to the predicted reminder via text about whether they could stay and a missed call. Don't get me wrong, they're hardly battering the door down but it's the 3rd time of asking now and I'm not someone who would push on with inviting myself to someone's house after being told 'no', even if there was an excuse attached (unless I knew them much better).

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 08:31

Well 3rd time this visit , they have suggested coming several times before but nothing concrete.

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 08/02/2020 08:35

Could they be asking you because if you say no they'll need to book a hotel? Probably just let them know rather than ignoring the message

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:38

Reply immediately with a short message "No sorry can't put you up here. Looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday x"

oldfashionedtastingtea · 08/02/2020 08:40

Just text back no?

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 08:41

Letsallscream I do need to reply, you're right. I am being rude here and just need to stop fannying about. Will text now. They wouldn't need a hotel though, they don't live far and trains are regular until very late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 08:42

How about 'really looking forward to seeing you Tuesday evening but it won't be a late one and unfortunately I can't offer you a bed as I have another early start'?

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:43

No reason! Drop the early start. Reasons make it into a negotiation.

TabbyStar · 08/02/2020 08:43

Text good, other than stop at can't offer you a bed, you don't want them arguing about an early start.

TabbyStar · 08/02/2020 08:44

Though do you want to go at all given all this?

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:45

Also drop the "but" because it implies you don't want to see the person. Two separate sentences. End on the nicer bit.

Bad news first: you cannot stay at mine
Good news second: we are friends
No qualifers: no buts

CherieBabySpliffUp · 08/02/2020 08:49

You don't think they are looking for anything sexual @Feelingabitashamed so are you gay? This is raising so many red flags for me.
Persistent about staying over despite you trying to fend them off.
Wanting to continue drinking at yours so yours...
Definite nope from me

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 08:51

Right. This feels incredibly assertive for me but I'm going with your advice.

Sent with a smiley or two to show I don't mean anything bad by it.

Thank you v much all. My anxiety is induced by some meds I have to take for another condition (not MH) and i can't really get away from it. It has kind of shaped my world drastically for the past couple of years and mumsnet has been a huge help navigating these small situations that really get overblown in my head. I really appreciate you all!

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:54

Let's hope the message gets through and the hassling stops.

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 08:56

No Cherie, I'm not gay myself. In all honesty while they've sort of expressed they thought I was attractive in the past but I think just the right side of saying anything too unprofessional (saying they thought I always looked nice for work), we do in a roundabout way work for the same organisation and their work is very important to them so I would be surprised if they would cross that line.

OP posts:
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 08/02/2020 09:02

I'm a cynic and find people cross all sorts of lines if they think they can get a way with it.

Letseatgrandma · 08/02/2020 09:05

they want to socialise at my house.

Sorry, but that’s really odd! Why? Do you have a massive house with a swimming pool and a hot tub or something?

If you want to socialise with someone at a house-you invite them to your house, surely?!

ShinyRuby · 08/02/2020 09:07

@Bluntness100 Your post is unhelpful in the extreme & really patronising.
Carry on having waifs & strays to stay, OP clearly stated she DIDN'T want to have guests.

Thanks for being so very understanding though.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:13

Having someone who likes you sexually, even if mostly unspoken, come round for drinks on their own late night then stay over is normally seen as an indication that the door is open to more. You would be sending mixed messages to say yes. Have you had a response yet?

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 08/02/2020 09:22

LetseatGrandma haha I wish!!

This is kind of it.

I wondered about Tork 's empathetic point on whether they might be looking to have quite a personal conversation about their gender but then thought 'maybe, but why not invite me (and others) to theirs or pick somewhere quiet we can talk?'

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 08/02/2020 09:55

You know you could just be talking about a cheeky sod, who wanted to not have to pay for a hotel room.
The fact they asked again makes me think tight arse.

picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 08/02/2020 10:32

"Quite a personal conversation" also known as some unpaid compulsory emotional labour.