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Original poster

How do I put someone off staying at mine when I made an excuse last time?

111 replies

Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 14:52

Hi all,

An ex colleague/ friend has put me in a bit of a position. I have really bad anxiety and know I am making much of it! Would appreciate thoughts on how to respond.

They invited me to drinks in my town as they are visiting which I accepted. They then invited themselves for a 'sleepover' (not in a sexual way) that night. I wasnt so comfortable with this as I don't actually know them that well and i really value my time at home regrouping for work so made an excuse.

Turns out I got the date wrong so drinks are actually in 2 weeks. They have asked again whether they are able to sleep over now. Should I just make up another work related excuse?

It's not a question of living far away and needing a bed for the night, they want to socialise at my house.

I know none of this is the end of the world but they are being a bit persistent (I wouldn't have invited myself to someone's house unless they were a much closer friend nor have asked twice) and I'm just not that comfortable! They're not the quickest with picking up social cues so I am expecting a reminder.

I know it's ridiculous posting but my anxiety makes things seem harder than they are.

OP posts:
OrangeBuddha · 07/02/2020 18:31

I think you should make a different excuse this time. If it's obvious, so be it. Just say you are not available that evening as you have ABC visiting you.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 07/02/2020 18:35

So this bloke is an ex-colleague, more of an acquaintance than a good friend, who needs to be in your area for work, invited you out for drinks then asked to stay overnight? Do you know if he's trying to meet up with other people too, or if it would just be the two of you? Either way, you don't need to justify your reasons. Just say "no, that doesn't suit." Don't say sorry.

If you don't want to meet up after work for a long night then you could suggest a quick drink after work before he gets the train home. Just decide what you want-- a night out, a quick catch up, or nothing more than saying "hi, let me know when you're free for a break and a chat" when he's in the office that day.

So once you've decided, you don't need to justify it to anyone. If you want to go out, great. If you prefer keeping the night free, great. If he asks again just say "it'd be good to meet up (if that's what you want) but staying over doesn't suit." Your reasons are valid - whether that's feeling uncomfortable, wanting the next day free, whatever.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 18:58

Itwillbe, don't be daft, I didn't suggest she has all types of Waifs and strays to stay, ffs. 🤪

Op, if you're not comfortable with this person, just say no. It's ok to fo that, just say this weekend doesn't work either, I'm sorry and leave it there.

It's ok to say no.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 07/02/2020 19:01

I think if you feel awkward saying 'no', you could say you have other people staying that weekend and you dont have the space.

PuppyMonkey · 07/02/2020 19:03

Could you move to another city, OP? Grin

SomethingOnce · 07/02/2020 19:10

Say you’ve got worms Grin

(Discovered DD has them last night. Some good should come of this.)

TorkTorkBam · 07/02/2020 19:10

I would not make an excuse. I would go with "No, sorry, not possible." Then change the subject.

If pressed on why not don't even engage. Give a little laugh and joke like "Why do you need to know nosey parker?" Or give a cheeky grin and say "none of your business!" If in writing just plain ignore it. You've said no already so there's nothing further to add. If they ask again get a bit shirty and say "I already gave you an answer. Please don't make it awkward." Then change the subject.

QueenArseClangers · 07/02/2020 19:11

‘Listen ex colleague with weird boundary issues: I only have family or best friends staying over. You’re not ten so stop asking for a ‘sleepover’. ‘

I’d actually ghost them as they sound a bit hard work and attention seeking.

redexpat · 07/02/2020 19:14

No that doesnt work for me.

missproportionate · 07/02/2020 19:14

‘Sorry that doesn’t work for me’

‘Can’t do the sleepover - oiling forward to meeting for drinks, see you at xx’

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/02/2020 19:25

Just because he no longer identifies as male, it doesn’t mean he can identify out of his body or physiology. It would be a flat no from me. Drama queen.

Sandinyourshoes · 07/02/2020 19:35

No way would I be able to sleep a wink with only a semi-stranger in the house. Seen too many horror films. And there are phone cameras and videos these days. It may be paranoid of me but there it is. As pp have said I would just say no, giving no reason, and if they persist it just reinforces how anxiety-inducing the whole thing would be.

CookieDoughKid · 07/02/2020 19:38

Just say no I'm sorry my house is out of bounds and I'm not feeling up for it. If you say it confidently and bluntly enough you'll pass it off fine.

CookieDoughKid · 07/02/2020 19:38

People see through you if it looks like you are making up excuses.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 07/02/2020 19:41

A male acquaintance who can't seem to take no for an answer, and is being persistent, wants to stay overnight at your house, and is making you, a woman who lives alone, feel uncomfortable.

Not a chance.

I'd cancel the 'drinks' too.

TheFastandTheCurious · 07/02/2020 19:51

Just tell him that you don't know him well enough to allow him to sleep over, if he persists then cancel the meet up.

Lipz · 07/02/2020 20:10

I hate all this sleep over business. I can't understand why people can't just book in somewhere. Grown feckin adults getting all excited about a sleep over. There's a couple of people I don't mind. I find even saying a straight out no doesn't work. They still insist. I'll be watching for tips myself

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 20:41

Grin as a last resort worms is a pretty solid excuse!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 20:51

That's it, Lipz I don't understand why they're so keen to stay. If they needed somewhere for an early start I would understand but it's this making a big deal of having a night in when we actually haven't seen each other in ages.

OP posts:
OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 07/02/2020 21:11

Night in? So it's a case of a random bloke asking for a night in and to stay over?

Original poster
Feelingabitashamed · 07/02/2020 21:25

Well yeah, continuing the drinks at mine rather than just a bed for the night. Theyve not pertained to wanting anything sexual and I don't think they are looking for that (we are still technically colleagues anyway) but I just feel a bit 'no'.

OP posts:
Missushb · 07/02/2020 21:31

I know exactly what you mean. This is you trying not to be rude when they are the rude ones. Definitely tell them it doesn't suit you, go for a drink if you want or dinner but then home yourself if that's what you want.

BBBear · 07/02/2020 21:47

Tell them you don’t like people staying because your home is your ‘sacred space.’
I’m sure someone gender neutral will be on board with that.
And if they persist you’ve got a CF/pushy fucker on your hands and you should cancel the night out.

HollowTalk · 07/02/2020 22:36

If they are newly trans, would they perhaps feel safer in your home than going out?

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 07:41

If they are newly trans, are they wanting to have a all girls together night in where you affirm the new identity and talk about womaning?

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