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Original poster

Please please help I'm at my wits end

110 replies

Mumshere1986 · 03/02/2020 21:50

I am 34 and have two teenage girls, 13 and 17.
My OH lives in the USA and i have a great opportunity to have my job there. Plans are in place for us to move and all was well until 6 months ago when my eldest decided she isn't coming with us and wants to live with friends or my family some 300 miles away from where we live instead of the USA.

In the last 6months she has gone from such an amazing young lady to one i don't recognise. I get hormones etc but this is totally crazy.

After 2 months of begging her to tidy her room i did it as i found fleas in her room. I gutted it and 6 hours later she went mad the fact i cleaned.
She comes over as very rude, shouting when she doesn't get what she wants then decides to hibernate in her room. She very rarely speaks to me or my other daughter and refuses to discuss the move. She has told my friend she just wants life to remain the same us living in the UK but isn't willing to meet half way. I asked her to come for 6 -12 months to finish her A levels but she won't entertain the idea at all. She did say it may be an option in 2 / 3 years if we stay then she may change her mind but my job will no longer be available and quite honestly the thought of the ling distance between my OH is hard enough as it is. She knows this takes its toll but seems to have very little compassion.
Do i cancel my job offer, cancel my wedding and life in USA to keep my eldest happy until she leaves college (2 years) or do i carry on with our plans to go and encourage her to stay at my parents ( of which she admitted she doesn't really want to go to but i leave her with no choice). Please help

OP posts:
HighNetGirth · 03/02/2020 21:52

I think you put your children first still, at this age. It is a tricky stage in er life, be there for her.

AuntieDolly · 03/02/2020 21:54

Children's needs first definitely

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 03/02/2020 21:55

I wouldn’t have wanted to go at 17 either, and I’ve seen plenty of examples of young adults being left by parents to do this sort of thing.

Why are you having to move? Why can’t your DP move to Uk

17 and 13 are terrible ages to move dc from schools never mind countries

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/02/2020 21:58

I think you need to wait a couple of years and be there for your daughters right now.

Original poster
Mumshere1986 · 03/02/2020 21:59

My oh can't move as he has a business there and my job has agreed for me to transfer over, the reason we would look to move now is because I'm 6 weeks pregnant and just want to my best by everyone but feel very thinly spread.

OP posts:
jillandhersprite · 03/02/2020 21:59

I take it your OH isn't her dad?
Seems like you don't have a great relationship with her at the moment - she's being a bloody awful teenager and it's tough. But if you go it may never recover... You have to decide if you are more important than her and pursue your life at the expense of your relationship with her.
I would choose to not go but there are many that would prioritise their own happiness over their teenager from what i see in real life and read in here...

FlamingoAndJohn · 03/02/2020 22:00

I’m assuming he is not their father.

If so then you are asking them to move house, school and country to live with a new partner.
Sorry but this feels selfish to me. Can you not wait a few years for the sake of the children?

FlamingoAndJohn · 03/02/2020 22:01

Sorry, cross post. Being pregnant does make a difference.
No wonder the oldest is pissed off though.

ByeMF · 03/02/2020 22:02

You put her first. What sort of relationship do they have with their dad and will the move abroad impact on the amount of contact they have?

XXcstatic · 03/02/2020 22:02

In her mind, you are abandoning her and putting your DP first by moving to a different continent. That's why she is acting up, not because of hormones. She is distressed - not wanting to talk about the move, behaving oddly, refusing to leave her room etc. You need to face up to her feelings, and not expect her to be compassionate towards you - that's just not realistic from a teenager who feels abandoned and second best.

OTOH, as you say, she will shortly be leaving home herself. What does your DD2 think about the move?

The fleas sound really odd btw. Human fleas live on people, not in messy rooms. Unless she is seriously neglecting herself, it's very unlikely she has human fleas. If they are animal fleas, they are not caused by her failing to clean her room - they will have come from an animal, even if you don't have pets yourself.

SmellyBeard · 03/02/2020 22:02

Does she know about the baby yet?

Dowser · 03/02/2020 22:02

Gosh you are torn aren’t you.
Please don’t leave your daughter though

Original poster
Mumshere1986 · 03/02/2020 22:03

No he is Step Dad and they love him tremendously my youngest is so excited and wanting to move but as i say the eldest is saying no.
Many thanks for your advice though, i appreciate answers, deep down i know i will be staying I'm just wanting what's best for us all as a family

OP posts:
seltaeb · 03/02/2020 22:06

You cannot seriously expect a 17 year old to move to the US. She is almost and adult and entitled to make decisions about her own life. It is no surprise she is being difficult.

hoodiemum · 03/02/2020 22:07

It would be pretty complicated to change school/college in the middle of A levels, wouldn't it? Different ones do different boards etc, and teach things in a different order. I'd say it's very unlikely not to have an impact on her grades.
What subjects is she studying? Is there even a school in US where she could do the same subjects? Or would she have to muddle through with the completely different US system?
I have to say, knowing how incredibly important my DDs' friendships were to them at that age, as well as the importance of getting the best grades they can for future life opportunities, I can completely relate to her feeling horrified about such a big upheaval at this stage in her life. Another idea that might possibly be worth looking into would be to see if anyone local to her current college could have her live with them as a paying guest? Perhaps a friend's parents, whose older children have already moved out? And you fly her out to US for holidays?
But if it was me, I'd definitely stay until she had finished A levels. This is a really important stage in her life, so I wouldn't be rocking the boat. In 18 months, you're free to move without any guilt.

seltaeb · 03/02/2020 22:10

Sorry but I do not understand why you would even contemplate having a baby when you already have two teenagers, especially when the father lives abroad. You have created an almost impossible situation where there is no solution that is right for everyone.

crimsonlake · 03/02/2020 22:14

I am surprised you would even consider moving when your eldest is in the midst of her A levels. She cannot just continue her course in the US?
What on earth were you thinking?

LisBethSalander07 · 03/02/2020 22:14

She feels that she's no longer important to you, and is acting up accordingly. New partner, new baby and moving thousands of miles away all on top of teenage hormones? No wonder she's upset.

You need to put the children first. Always. And 18 isn't some magic coming of age. I've still got 2 at home, aged 24 and 22. She's going to need you for a good few years yet.

And any partner worth having would be bending over backwards to make this easier for you, not harder.................

giggly · 03/02/2020 22:16

Please don’t choose a man over your child. she will never forgive you and probably mentally never recover.

cheeriolover · 03/02/2020 22:21

Is it also a possibility that if you're new baby's country of residence becomes the USA you could get stuck their if the father won't allow you to take child back to the UK? Or perhaps you have to leave as you have no visa and child gets to stay? I'd be careful and find out legal implications before you go off gallivanting.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/02/2020 22:21

I think it is now a very tricky position with you now being pregnant and you should have carried on taking proper precautions until moved and settled. Now you are between a rock and a hard place. I don’t understand why your daughter won’t come to the states but would move 300 and live with other family members TBH as both are an equivalent uprooting.
You need to talk to her... does she know about the baby yet? I can see why she’s upset-TBH this is something my narc off a mother would do, as her needs always superseded her children’s

choli · 03/02/2020 22:22

How long have you known this guy? How do you plan to finance the birth in the US?

Rainbowunicat · 03/02/2020 22:22

Wow! Some shocking life decisions here. Why would you expect a 17 year old to want to move countries? Why on earth would you get pregnant again? I think you are massively unreasonable, tbh. You should be prioritising your existing children. She's a young adult, she presumably has a life of her own. I'm not sure why you'd expect her to finish A levels in a different country... have you looked into this? Do they even have A levels in the US?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/02/2020 22:22

of

Rainbowunicat · 03/02/2020 22:24

I also think your kids are more important than his business. He should be the one moving.

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