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Original poster

Please please help I'm at my wits end

110 replies

Mumshere1986 · 03/02/2020 21:50

I am 34 and have two teenage girls, 13 and 17.
My OH lives in the USA and i have a great opportunity to have my job there. Plans are in place for us to move and all was well until 6 months ago when my eldest decided she isn't coming with us and wants to live with friends or my family some 300 miles away from where we live instead of the USA.

In the last 6months she has gone from such an amazing young lady to one i don't recognise. I get hormones etc but this is totally crazy.

After 2 months of begging her to tidy her room i did it as i found fleas in her room. I gutted it and 6 hours later she went mad the fact i cleaned.
She comes over as very rude, shouting when she doesn't get what she wants then decides to hibernate in her room. She very rarely speaks to me or my other daughter and refuses to discuss the move. She has told my friend she just wants life to remain the same us living in the UK but isn't willing to meet half way. I asked her to come for 6 -12 months to finish her A levels but she won't entertain the idea at all. She did say it may be an option in 2 / 3 years if we stay then she may change her mind but my job will no longer be available and quite honestly the thought of the ling distance between my OH is hard enough as it is. She knows this takes its toll but seems to have very little compassion.
Do i cancel my job offer, cancel my wedding and life in USA to keep my eldest happy until she leaves college (2 years) or do i carry on with our plans to go and encourage her to stay at my parents ( of which she admitted she doesn't really want to go to but i leave her with no choice). Please help

OP posts:
Juliette20 · 04/02/2020 06:34

I wouldn't be having another baby with kids that age either and would be focusing on enjoying being with my at daughters the age they are. Why on earth would you want to start again? And moving to a country with zero maternity pay or rights run by an orange numpty doesn't make any sense either. I wouldn't even feel safe having kids in school there with the ridiculous gun laws, and the education system is poor compared with the UK.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 04/02/2020 06:39

My dsis was made to emigrate when she was the same age. She resented it her whole life. Also, all the stuff about having a baby in the states.

avocadoincident · 04/02/2020 06:40

The op has come on asking for advice on a specific situation. She didn't ask for advice on family planning or having children with a larger age gap.

Op, I know you've said upthread that you'll probably stay and for the record I think put your daughter first for a bit longer as in the long run relationships will benefit.

CherryPlum · 04/02/2020 06:49

Love the OPs username, 'Mums here' - no she's not!

I honestly don't know what advise to give, you've put your family in a very difficult position, and I feel sorry for your kids.

BentNeckLady · 04/02/2020 06:56

Is this man someone you actually know or someone who have met online and the met up with a couple of times?

atankofskunks · 04/02/2020 06:57

If your OH is serious about you and his baby on the way he would find a UK job and move here. It seems to me you have far more to lose than he does. You shouldn't go OP. To do so would be ridiculously selfish and unfair on your children.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/02/2020 07:09

You sound incredibly selfish.
Everything you've said in your OP is about you and your feelings. Nothing at all about the way your children feel.

Was the baby planned?
He needs to move to you or be a long distance dad.
Sorry but your existing children don't mean less than the unborn one.

YasssKween · 04/02/2020 07:41

Why can't your other half move here at least for a year or two to see what that's like?

You might not even be compatible living together... what is the plan if that happens? Or if you break up for another reason? Uproot the kids and move them here after they've had to shift to a whole new life there?

Surely it makes more sense for one partner to move rather than the other partner, their two children who are settled here (I understand one was happy to go, but she is already settled here so not awful if the move is now off), uproot the moving parent from their support system and also living where healthcare is incredibly expensive, at a time healthcare will 100% be required due to pregnancy.

Your work will be happy for you to be there for a couple of years when much of that time will include maternity leave?

The crux of the matter is this - Why won't he move here in order to be near his child and to avoid uprooting an existing family unit?

scubadive · 04/02/2020 07:52

She knows this takes its toll but seems to have very little compassion.

And you have? As a poster said earlier are you the daughter otherwise this makes no sense. Nothing about your post suggests you care emotionally about your daughters life, it comes across that she is an annoyance and spoiling your plans.

And in amongst all this that your daughter is dealing with you talk about a messy bedroom and her not being grateful for you ‘gutting’ it!

Are you really for real op?

FlamingoAndJohn · 04/02/2020 08:01

What about the father of your daughters. How does he feel about his children moving so far away?

FlowerArranger · 04/02/2020 08:05

Why can't your other half move here at least for a year or two to see what that's like?

Immigration doesn't work like that.

Plus it can be quite difficult for immigrants to find equivalent jobs in a new country. Not to mention qualifications potentially not being recognized, lack of relevant experience, different ways of doing things...

The whole thing is a mess. Looks like the OP rushed into this without giving any serious thoughts about how this could actually work.

OP - where are you? How about an update.

FlowerArranger · 04/02/2020 08:08

What about the father of your daughters. How does he feel about his children moving so far away?

Oh yes, there's this too!!

She'd need the father's permission or a court order. Although, given their ages, the court would consider the children's views on the matter.

But the whole thing is crazy.

Topseyt · 04/02/2020 08:30

You really couldn't have timed any of this worse if you had tried.

Yes, you do need to put your daughters first, put your relationship on hold for now and cancel your job offer in the US. Pregnant or not.

You stay here until your teenagers have finished school and are safely settled at uni. At the very least!!

pauapaua · 04/02/2020 08:37

OP I think you are grossly underestimating the impact you will have on your daughters if you do this. My parents emigrated without me and our relationship never recovered. Living alone without any family in the country (we emigrated here) was horrible.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 04/02/2020 08:42

Children need you for much longer than 17.

I have adult children, they are always boomeranging back and forth. And they still need support

stophuggingme · 04/02/2020 09:10

@Mumshere1986 has disappeared I see Hmm

Or have you turned into @WanderingMilly who seems to be the lone voice of support on here for your rampant selfishness

iamtinkabella · 04/02/2020 10:19

i agree with @Onthewaves40, at 17 she is old enough to understand the reasons for you moving and is old enough to make her own choices. She is old enough to be living on her own at this age and you have given her a choice to come with you i wish i got asked to go to the USA at her age. This really is a massive opportunity for not only you but your younger DD! DD1 is being selfish for stopping you and your DD2 from being able to have this amazing experienceHmm

candycane222 · 04/02/2020 10:45

Why is suddenly becoming an immigrant a "massive opportunity"?

FlowerArranger · 04/02/2020 10:55

i wish i got asked to go to the USA at her age. This really is a massive opportunity for not only you but your younger DD!

And you know this how???!!
Have you ever actually lived in the US for a prolonged period?
Spending a fortnight in Florida doesn't count...

lastqueenofscotland · 04/02/2020 10:59

The USA has an education system totally different to ours she could not just it in. It’s a horrible time to move.
Also the US is a vastly more conservative place than the UK in the main, attitudes can be hard to adjust to.
You are being hugely unreasonable. Wait for a bit when she’s not in the middle of a hugely important exam season. Also does she want to go to uni? It is so drastically more expensive than here and the system again is very different.

How well do you know this man have you lived with him before ever/spent more than 1/2 weeks at a time. Sounds like an utter disaster.

lastqueenofscotland · 04/02/2020 11:00

Also what part of the US it is massively influenced what a massive opportunity (or not) it is.

OhSoOuting · 04/02/2020 11:02

Because this all makes sense.... Hmm

aSofaNearYou · 04/02/2020 11:18

Wow. Was the pregnancy planned? If so it does seem like exceptionally poor planning to go down that route now. I don't agree with others that you should just put your existing children first, you now have to put your baby's needs into the mix as well and they should be with their father. But if you had only waited a year it wouldn't have been such horrendously bad timing to do this.

It would be different with a younger child but she is 17 - months from being an adult and finishing full time education. She may have already had plans and aspirations for where her life was going, where she was going to live, moving out and uni etc, and you are taking that away from her months before she would be free to choose and plonking her in a different country. Not to mention how much it will confuse her exams at this stage.

With that in mind, will the baby be born before or after she finished her A Levels? Either way I think you need to stay where you are until that is completed, and then think about moving. At that point she would be free to stay.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/02/2020 11:21

I don’t see how she could possibly ‘come for 6-12 months’ to finish her A levels! Systems in the US are so very different. She’d probably have to start again, more or less from scratch.

Personally I’d stay until she’s finished her A levels - so very disruptive for her otherwise, never mind all the social stuff, making new friends at what can be a difficult and self conscious age anyway.

HoppingPavlova · 04/02/2020 11:47

You need to put the kids you currently have first. That’s your obligation.