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Original poster

Please please help I'm at my wits end

110 replies

Mumshere1986 · 03/02/2020 21:50

I am 34 and have two teenage girls, 13 and 17.
My OH lives in the USA and i have a great opportunity to have my job there. Plans are in place for us to move and all was well until 6 months ago when my eldest decided she isn't coming with us and wants to live with friends or my family some 300 miles away from where we live instead of the USA.

In the last 6months she has gone from such an amazing young lady to one i don't recognise. I get hormones etc but this is totally crazy.

After 2 months of begging her to tidy her room i did it as i found fleas in her room. I gutted it and 6 hours later she went mad the fact i cleaned.
She comes over as very rude, shouting when she doesn't get what she wants then decides to hibernate in her room. She very rarely speaks to me or my other daughter and refuses to discuss the move. She has told my friend she just wants life to remain the same us living in the UK but isn't willing to meet half way. I asked her to come for 6 -12 months to finish her A levels but she won't entertain the idea at all. She did say it may be an option in 2 / 3 years if we stay then she may change her mind but my job will no longer be available and quite honestly the thought of the ling distance between my OH is hard enough as it is. She knows this takes its toll but seems to have very little compassion.
Do i cancel my job offer, cancel my wedding and life in USA to keep my eldest happy until she leaves college (2 years) or do i carry on with our plans to go and encourage her to stay at my parents ( of which she admitted she doesn't really want to go to but i leave her with no choice). Please help

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 03/02/2020 22:26

You can't move her mid a-levels. No wonder she is pissed off. Why on earth would you expect her to be happy about this?

OlivejuiceU2 · 03/02/2020 22:28

Wow I’m not surprised she’s acting the way she is. Seems a completely normal response to as to what you are planning

NotALurker2 · 03/02/2020 22:28

I don't totally agree that a 17 year old should be put first. OP has a lot going on. The adults in the family decide what is best for the entire family; the teenagers don't decide. Of course she doesn't want to go, but she may love it once she gets there, who knows. I would talk to her about how great it could be, and work on turning her around. She could be very popular in the US with a British accent....

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2020 22:30

I'm surprised too that anyone would plan to uproot their family half way through A levels. Was the pregnancy planned though - maybe it wasn't. Do they even teach A levels in the states - or have the same exam boards? Have you researched the options? I went to college in the US and it's a very different system.

17 is a sensitive age - your DDs reaction seems very normal. I'm surprised you're surprised about it. You must have known it told her a message about how important her life is to you.

PleaseChooseAnother · 03/02/2020 22:34

You need to consider what would happen if your relationship breaks down - you haven't even lived in the same country as each other yet.

You wouldn't be able to bring your baby back to the UK and at least one of your daughters would be here. You might not even be able to stay in the US with your baby yourself.

RaininSummer · 03/02/2020 22:35

I think you need to stay for a while. Have baby here and wait until A levels are done. If you do not I fear your relationship with eldest will be fractured and the whole family dynamic could be altered negatively for many years if not forever.

Rainbowunicat · 03/02/2020 22:35

Nonsense @NotALurker2
A 17 year old is perfectly entitled to say they're not moving countries!
"Popular in the US with a British accent"....what are you on? You think 'popularity' would trump her existing friendships and her education? Extended family she has here? And just her general right to choose her own path in life! She's 17, not 10.

FlamingoAndJohn · 03/02/2020 22:37

How do you plan to finance the birth in the US?

That’s my question too. Even if you hand health insurance with your new job would it cover a pre existing pregnancy?

OntheWaves40 · 03/02/2020 22:38

I disagree with the majority. I think at 17 she’s old enough to decide what she wants. I wouldn’t be putting my life on hold because my child has suddenly decided they want something else. You’ve offered a compromise. It’s simple, she comes and tried it for 12 months or she lives with your parents for 12 months. Her choice. Either way you have a new job, wedding and baby on the way. She’s just seeing how far she can control you. Take charge of the situation, give her the options and stop letting her make it in to a battle.

ALHanes2 · 03/02/2020 22:38

Your eldest is due to take exams that may define the beginning of her career. Don’t make her move and don’t abandon her. I’m not surprised she is acting up, she must feel incredibly destabilised by this. I feel for your situation but your children come first.

scubadive · 03/02/2020 22:38

You can’t move your children age 13 and 17 away from all their friends and life and everything they know. Teenage years are really tough and this could be very damaging long term to their mental health.

Moving anyone at 17 in the middle of their A levels, telling her to finish them off in US where they have a different system is beyond the pale. You could wreck her results and therefore her future and her mental health all in one go.

Is this post for real??

My god I’ve just realised your you are not married, so your OH is not your daughters father?? I wondered why he had taken a job so far away if it was so hard for you.

So you are going to uproot your children’s lives to chase your boyfriend halfway round the world.

I’m not surprised your daughters behaviour has deteriorated, you’ve shown her exactly where she ranks in your priorities!

yogo · 03/02/2020 22:40

They don't do A levels in the USA

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 03/02/2020 22:42

How long have you been together? I think it would be a disaster moving over.

scubadive · 03/02/2020 22:44

Omg I have just read you are also pregnant, your poor daughter will really feel pushed down the pecking order, Are you really surprised she feels like she does. That’s quite an age gap to juggle with into their lives too, it’ll clearly impact them and the quality of your time together. You are asking an awful lot.

BarbedBloom · 03/02/2020 22:46

She can't continue her course in the UK. The american system is totally different. I suspect if you leave her behind your relationship will be irrevocably damaged. This is truly awful timing. How will you pay for the birth? This may impact your youngest daughter too as again, american school system is totally different. You could post in the living overseas section to find out more about that.

I do feel for you but I can understand your daughter's position. You will also be very vulnerable on a working visa, unmarried with a baby who is an american citizen. If things go wrong you could find yourself moving back to the UK without your baby. Also, what terms will you go on as american maternity leave is not the same, some people only have two weeks off

BarbedBloom · 03/02/2020 22:47

Continue her course in the US even

screamer1 · 03/02/2020 22:47

@OntheWaves40 she may be old enough to decide, doesn't mean it'd be the right decision. She needs her mum and stability. I hate this attitude that once you get to 16 you're basically left to your own devices.
I never needed my parents more than ever from the ages of 17-21.

nsav · 03/02/2020 22:57

No. I am 20 and I think they’re just being selfish. Go, OP!!

UhKevin · 03/02/2020 22:57

She’s just seeing how far she can control you

Yes, of course, she’s just playing a nasty mind game, and just doing so because she can. Makes sense. Hmm

Did you live teenage years at all?

pelirocco123 · 03/02/2020 22:59

So your OH lives and works on the US ( presumably he is American ?)
You have a job opportunity in the US ....even though you are pregnant
You think your daughter can complete and sit her A levels in the US
And apparently you have all been given visas to live and work in the US
Hmmm

GreenTulips · 03/02/2020 22:59

DDs friends mother has just done this.
She is now living in a single flat doing there A levels sorting out finances and bills.

She’s struggling with cooking and housework. She’s quite lonely and scared at times. These places aren’t the best for a young vulnerable girl.

She keeping at it with help of friends, but I don’t fancy her chances at high grades.

She’s hoping to go to university but her mothers not here to do the visits etc.

Not good.

stophuggingme · 03/02/2020 23:03

@Mumshere1986 you are not at your wits end. You are exasperated because you have found yourself in a position entirely of your own making and you are scapegoating your eldest child. Who is still a child.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/02/2020 23:04

You want her to accept a new baby, and a move to America half way through her A levels ?
Terrible timing, could you not have waited a bit longer before getting pregnant? My dds are slightly younger than yours, and they would be terribly upset if I wanted to move them now.
New man, new baby, new country, none of it her choice, of course your daughter is upset . You need to do as much as you can to focus on her now and support her through her A levels, not move her to an entirely different school system !

Bartlet · 03/02/2020 23:09

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YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 03/02/2020 23:11

USA education system is NOTHING like the UK education system. There are no A levels. High School is 4 years, and you graduate from an accumulation of credits you receive over the 4 years. I'm not sure what school would look like for her here. She will be missing A LOT she would need to graduate.
As far as the insurance, having a baby, in the USA they now have to cover pre-existing conditions so if you get insurance with your job there you will be covered.

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