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Original poster

Please please help I'm at my wits end

110 replies

Mumshere1986 · 03/02/2020 21:50

I am 34 and have two teenage girls, 13 and 17.
My OH lives in the USA and i have a great opportunity to have my job there. Plans are in place for us to move and all was well until 6 months ago when my eldest decided she isn't coming with us and wants to live with friends or my family some 300 miles away from where we live instead of the USA.

In the last 6months she has gone from such an amazing young lady to one i don't recognise. I get hormones etc but this is totally crazy.

After 2 months of begging her to tidy her room i did it as i found fleas in her room. I gutted it and 6 hours later she went mad the fact i cleaned.
She comes over as very rude, shouting when she doesn't get what she wants then decides to hibernate in her room. She very rarely speaks to me or my other daughter and refuses to discuss the move. She has told my friend she just wants life to remain the same us living in the UK but isn't willing to meet half way. I asked her to come for 6 -12 months to finish her A levels but she won't entertain the idea at all. She did say it may be an option in 2 / 3 years if we stay then she may change her mind but my job will no longer be available and quite honestly the thought of the ling distance between my OH is hard enough as it is. She knows this takes its toll but seems to have very little compassion.
Do i cancel my job offer, cancel my wedding and life in USA to keep my eldest happy until she leaves college (2 years) or do i carry on with our plans to go and encourage her to stay at my parents ( of which she admitted she doesn't really want to go to but i leave her with no choice). Please help

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 03/02/2020 23:16

An example of USA High School system.

My son is in 11th Grade (equivalent to UK Year 12). He will have one more year. By then to graduate he needs to pass...

4 years of English
4 years of Math
3 years of Science
3 years of Social Studies
2 years of PE
1 year of Computers
1 year of Art

plus a certain amount of "electives" over the 4 years (don't remember the exact amount of classes he needs to take).

dreamingbohemian · 03/02/2020 23:23

There are no A levels in the US. She would be dropped into the last year of American high school, having no idea how any of it works, and it really is completely different (you don't study selected topics, everyone has 4 years of everything). She would immediately have to start the university application process, which is pretty tortuous.

How would she even pay for university there? You do realise it's insanely expensive -- would you even be eligible for student loans?

If you go, you have to let her stay in the UK or it will fuck up her life. This is really obvious.

But it's ridiculous that you go, for all the reasons everyone is saying.

AbsentmindedWoman · 03/02/2020 23:27

Does your eldest want to go to university? If so, do you realise the expense of uni over here? Unless you can fund her she'll be saddled with huge loans.

The UK uni loans are very small in comparison.

If your other half runs his own business, how big is it - is he able to easily add you all to his insurance?

I must say, I can see why your daughter is upset by this. Have you ever lived in the US before, have your kids visited much - are you planning on moving to a city or will they be in a remote area?

Nam3Chang3Again · 03/02/2020 23:29

Does she want to go to university? Giving it a go for a year will almost certainly mess up her eligibility for student finance in the UK.

managedmis · 03/02/2020 23:32

Talk about adulting!

pauapaua · 03/02/2020 23:36

You've got one child who will be choosing her GCSEs soon and another who will be making decisions about her future and you want to up sticks and move them abroad to live with somebody they hardly know and away from the rest of their family ? Yeah, great idea OP.

FlowerArranger · 03/02/2020 23:39

Does your employer even know you're pregnant?
Are they seriously wanting yo move a heavily pregnant employee over to the US?
And how is this going to work with maternity pay and maternity leave? Both if which are minimal in the US.

This is on top of the obviously crazy idea of moving a 17 year old to a completely different school system in an alien land, away from friends and the only life she knows.

And not only is university tuition is extortionate in the US, as a new immigrant without a green card she would not qualify for financial aid or loans.

wonderrotunda · 03/02/2020 23:45

My mother did this to me. I was rejected by her in favour of her new man and it has affected my self esteem and relationships for over 40 years

justjuggling · 04/02/2020 00:14

Until fairly recently I was in a long distance relationship with a man in Australia (long story, knew each other years ago, lost touch, he emigrated, got back in touch) and we talked about me moving there, is having a baby etc. But my daughters are similar ages to yours and didn’t want to go, vehemently didn’t want to go, and consequently I called time on my relationship. I miss him, my heart is a little broken but I’d have missed them more so it has to be this way. No advice or solution for you, just thought I’d share my story and say I feel for you.

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 00:19

Your DD should come first and she is completely reasonable to not want to move country mid A-levels

AmyFl · 04/02/2020 01:15

Is this a reverse and you're the daughter, as there's no way this can be for real otherwise.

Tillygetsit · 04/02/2020 02:14

I was your daughter at 17 OP. My father was seconded to the USA for 3 years and I stayed with a friend of my parents whilst finishing A levels.
I went wild that year! I was then given the choice of more study or joining them. I felt abandoned that year which led to some pretty reckless behaviour and I couldn't get on that plane quickly enough.
I also cried when we had to come home. I can remember feeling very mixed up about it all. I will always be glad to have had the experience of living in another country but really missed my friends at first, then missed my American friends ( especially one beautiful boy in particular) when I came back. For my parents it was always their way or the highway so no discussion with us children about whether to go or not and that felt horrible.
My advice would be to sit down with dd and have a long calm chat whilst really heating what she's saying.

Tillygetsit · 04/02/2020 02:15

Hearing not heating.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/02/2020 02:42

you expect her to move continents for a man and an (as yet unborn) baby in her A level year and you are surprised she isnt showing compassion?!

Why the hell should she when you clearly dont have any either?!

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/02/2020 02:43

Sorry but this is clearly "I want..." from you versus "I need...." from your DD and you are not listening to her. Very selfish of you.

namechange1041 · 04/02/2020 03:37

You sound like my mum OP.
She left me when I was 16 & went to the other side of the world.

endofthelinefinally · 04/02/2020 04:05

You sound very self absorbed.
Is your bf very rich? How are you going to pay for maternity care in the US. I doubt you will get insurance if you are already pregnant.
Will your employer go to all the trouble and expense of moving you?

TheTeenageYears · 04/02/2020 04:05

You can’t port A levels within the UK never mind Internationally even if there is a British school in the US which does A levels rather than IB. Have you actually looked into the school side of either thoroughly- her going to the US or a new school within the UK and able to continue her current studies? We live abroad and from our own experience and understanding of others it just isn’t possible whilst studying A levels.

Is there a realistic option for her to stay at her current school and live with a host family? Have you discussed this properly as an option. Lots of kids board for 6th form who haven’t done so previously and plenty of kids come back from living abroad for sixth form and stay with family members.

Teenagers can be very difficult and if you escaped a difficult relationship up to 16 ish you can consider yourself fortunate in my opinion. No one here knows your relationship like you do, I don’t necessarily think you will be abandoning her if you go, it really depends on how she see’s things - she could very well benefit from the space right now.

The baby complicates things - not least from a work perspective for you. How can you transfer when you will be having a baby and really think through the fact that maternity benefits are nothing like the UK in the US. There are many variables at play here and only you can decide what’s best. If Dd1 is in Y12 now you could look at uni options in the US or just agree that her coming over every holiday now and in the future will be great although if you are also working that will be incredibly difficult to manage.

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 04/02/2020 04:52

I think you should stay in the UK until your youngest DD has left school. It's unfair ok both your DDs to rush their education to move.

Why can't your OH move to the UK now if being together is so important? That way your DDs will not be uprooted.

Agree your eldest DD is likely to be acting up as she's overwhelmed with teenage angst combined with the idea of the move & a new baby. You need to shoe her she's still a priority

mortforya · 04/02/2020 05:24

I feel so sad for your dd. Please don't abandon her, she needs her mother more than ever before, please put your children before your life, it is not the time to put yourself first, later in a few years will be. Please tell her today that you are not leaving her or expecting her to uproot to America, put this child out of her misery, I can't imagine being 17 and my mother, who is my security, landing this bombshell on me

WanderingMilly · 04/02/2020 05:47

If it were me, I would take the job, move to the USA. As you say, the job won't be there forever. Your 17 year is going through a phase, she may be upset but you've haven't "abandoned" her as some others are saying. You want her to go with you, she has that option. The fact that she doesn't like it is up to her. If she wants to stay in the UK, let her.

If your other daughter wants to go with you, why does your 17 year old having tantrums trump the desires of the other daughter? You are their mother, they go with you, this is life. Your older girl may choose not to go, her choice, accept it.

You may put your whole life on hold, miss your OH and miss out on the job offer just for a teenage phase which will blow over in years to come...your daughter will grow up and leave home anyway one day and you will be left with - what?

Make the move and do what you want to do. Give your older daughter the choice whether she comes or not, she is old enough to take the consequences of her choices.

sashh · 04/02/2020 06:08

OP

You don't seem to realise what a disaster you are proposing to your 17 year old.

Taking her out of A Levels and into the US system, a system so different she may struggle to get a HS diploma.

That would leave her with no options of uni in the US and as she won't have A Levels no place in the UK, with the added difficulty that she would not be eligible for uni funding in the UK.

You also need to think seriously about your 13 year old, you need to commit to staying in the US until she finishes high school because swapping back to the UK system is so problematic.

I don't think your eldest can go with you without serious implications for the future.

Is there some way she can stay at the same college in the UK? Staying with a friend? renting a flat for her? Finding some lodgings?

Juliette20 · 04/02/2020 06:17

She's acting out because she has realised you don't give a shit about her. How far down your list of priorities is she? Fifth at best after new man, new job, new baby, new country? I feel sorry for both of your kids. What a situation you have put them in.

AnnaFiveTowns · 04/02/2020 06:20

Moving your teenagers across the world at such a critical time would be very selfish. He should come here, business or no business. And if he's not prepared to do that then you go your separate ways.

Kylee300 · 04/02/2020 06:20

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