Please please help I'm at my wits end

[Mumshere1986]

I am 34 and have two teenage girls, 13 and 17.
My OH lives in the USA and i have a great opportunity to have my job there. Plans are in place for us to move and all was well until 6 months ago when my eldest decided she isn't coming with us and wants to live with friends or my family some 300 miles away from where we live instead of the USA.

In the last 6months she has gone from such an amazing young lady to one i don't recognise. I get hormones etc but this is totally crazy.

After 2 months of begging her to tidy her room i did it as i found fleas in her room. I gutted it and 6 hours later she went mad the fact i cleaned.
She comes over as very rude, shouting when she doesn't get what she wants then decides to hibernate in her room. She very rarely speaks to me or my other daughter and refuses to discuss the move. She has told my friend she just wants life to remain the same us living in the UK but isn't willing to meet half way. I asked her to come for 6 -12 months to finish her A levels but she won't entertain the idea at all. She did say it may be an option in 2 / 3 years if we stay then she may change her mind but my job will no longer be available and quite honestly the thought of the ling distance between my OH is hard enough as it is. She knows this takes its toll but seems to have very little compassion.
Do i cancel my job offer, cancel my wedding and life in USA to keep my eldest happy until she leaves college (2 years) or do i carry on with our plans to go and encourage her to stay at my parents ( of which she admitted she doesn't really want to go to but i leave her with no choice). Please help

I couldn’t do this to my 17yr old. You need to wait I’m afraid.

The fleas in the bedroom would have me livid though!

I agree the timing of this perhaps isn't the best, but there's this strange thing on MN where 16-18 year olds are "almost adult and should be treated as such" when it suits and "still just children" when it doesn't, and the responses tend to swing wildly between the two

In a few short months she could easily be off and away even if you stayed here, so for me the decision would hinge on whether a stable home's available to her if she still doesn't want to come

Since it appears there is, I'd think very hard before throwing away such an opportunity because of circumstances which could change in an instant anyway

I think you need to bear in mind how damaging it could be to split the girls up too. A 13 year old in a strange country with nobody to talk to will be hard.

Don't move your dc at this stage! In the middle of A levels? Are you mad? Wait till the dc have finished school/sixth form.

Have you actually thought this through because what is your halfway compromise. Have you properly thought about how her education would change etc?

Can she lodge with a friend's family where you currently live until she finishes A-Levels spending vacations with you or other family and then see where things are at?

I'm guessing you were the same age as she is now when you had her so your parents aren't likely to be old grandparents and can actively parent her if needed

How would your younger child feel about going to the USA without her sister?

Uprooting your DD during A-Levels seems really unreasonable and I can understand why she does not want to move. Having said that, you mention that she decided 6 months ago that she wasn't coming, how was she about the move before that? If she was involved in the decision and genuinely excited about going and has then changed her mind that is a bit different.

Could your OH move to the UK and either run the business from here or keep the business in the US and employ a manager to run it. Your children need to come first so if the move is not right for you and your children then why not settle here in the UK and you OH join you here. Surely your children need to come before the business.

What is your daughter planning to do after A-Levels. If her plan is to go to uni and live away then maybe the best solution is that she stays here and lives with family or friends, finishes her A-levels and goes to Uni in the UK. She could spend holidays in the US with you.

You can't even move schools mid A-Levels, never mind countries. This makes absolutely no sense.

Would you want your baby to have British citizenship? If so, you really ought to do your homework.

What is your job OP?

Surely not long after the move you'll have a newborn, is your company aware of that?

Have you got your daughters a place at in international school? I can't see any other way that your eldest could continue A Levels.

I'm really getting the impression you don't have a clue how things work in the states compared to hear.

I've lived and studied in both and there's a lot of differences. And for what it's worth I wouldn't educate my children out there (I'm back in the UK for good now.)