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Original poster

WWYD - sister and money

145 replies

Tatty101 · 31/01/2020 21:36

My DSis and her partner approached me just before Christmas to ask for a large 4 figure loan. The reasons were my DSis' partner was starting a new job and had to work a month before getting paid, some emergency dental work, their car had had an expensive break down and the Christmas period was fast approaching.

They both live with my parents, are mid-20s, no kids.

I agreed on the basis that they were clearly very much in need, that I was lucky enough to have the cash available and that they committ to a payment plan which they created and agreed to. The first payment was due on 31st Dec but my DSis' partner's car was stolen on Christmas Eve. Neither of them asked me if they could delay the first payment but needless to say, I did not receive anything on the payment date. This didnt massively worry me as I know they had a lot of extra costs due to the theft.

The second payment was due today. I have not received anything. I'm now massively regretting lending the money and I'm wondering about what to do next. Would you just assume they are planning to pay once they get the car stuff sorted or would you start chasing now? I dont want to be insensitive as I know having a car stolen (with all their Xmas presents in the boot!) is a huge deal but to not even mention anything is worrying me ...

Not to dripfeed: my DSis had financial problems a number of years ago. I and my parents helped her out and she paid it all back. This was about 5 years ago.

OP posts:
Melvinsmum2020 · 01/02/2020 09:57

I wouldn’t bother going round.

I would text saying you believe they are out shopping, and that they seriously need to reconsider their priorities and divert shopping money to you as the first and second repayments.

I would also say that unless you receive at least one payment by 9am Monday you will start a claim with the small claims court. And follow it through. She needs a kick up the back side and to start living in the real world.

I know she’s your sister and you maybe don’t want to fall out, but she is taking the piss and will not pay you back under normal methods, I guarantee. Either you stay a mug and write off the money or get some courage to get your money back.

Easy for me to say I know, but at almost 60, I have learnt that people will only treat you like Sh1t if you let them!

Iwannatellyouastory · 01/02/2020 10:01

Look I get it from your parents point of view I still help support my grown up kids, but they are both on low wages and also don’t take the piss.
Why are you getting dragged into this though? It’s excuse after excuse isn’t it?
Even if the holiday was booked ages ago they will only have paid a deposit, so could cancel, they will still have the remainder of the cost to pay, spending money etc.
Him starting a new job, what happened to the last wage from his previous job, that money is supposed to cover expenses til you get your wages. Did he leave a job without another to go to, was he sacked?
Dentists will let you set up a payment plan to pay a big bill if you ask them, I’ve had to do it.
Now with two wages coming in, their first priority should be making payments to you but they are not!
If you ever get this money back wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you NEVER lend them money again let them get a bank loan or actually, you know, leave within their means.

FraglesRock · 01/02/2020 10:08

I'd be kicking off, they've gone shopping??!
Don't be afraid to get them told. She's taking you for a mug.

Tell her to get to the bank and have it repaid in full if she doesn't want to make the payments she's agreed to. Ask to see the s/o she already set up.

Interested in this thread?

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General money
BonnesVacances · 01/02/2020 10:11

I think you need to show your sister and her boyfriend that your mortgage payments in April will be £x higher without paying off the lump sum you've lent her and why you need it back. Show them that if they don't pay it back in time, they have left you financially worse off every month and that now you are paying a higher interest rate.

And even if they do pay it back, never lend them money again. They need to borrow from a bank, suck up the interest themselves, and understand that they can't just cancel standing orders each month.

MarthasGinYard · 01/02/2020 10:13

They weren't 'clearly in need'

They sound like a pair of life's takers

CallmeAngelina · 01/02/2020 10:17

It's not too late for the bank loan option. They could take out a loan for the amount they owe you, pay you back in full, so you're OK for your mortgage in April, and then they will be committed to an actual institution for the repayments and won't be able to piss about.

In fact, I would insist on that at this point. They've abused your kindness, so tough shit on the consequences.

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/02/2020 10:18

I think you need to tell your parents exactly what is going on here and enlist their support in getting the money back. Your dsis and her boyfriend sound very selfish and I think it's going to take a lot of unpleasantness from you to get repaid. I'd be phoning and leaving messages every few minutes until she picks up the call or you flatten her battery. And same to him too. They're taking the piss and you need to hassle them like a debt collector would now. I wouldn't feel guilty either. They're the ones with the poor behaviour so far and if they'd stuck to their side of the agreement or talked to you, it wouldn't be like this now.

FraglesRock · 01/02/2020 10:21

And don't faff about, I wouldn't show them your accounts but I'd be saying that my bills will bounce tomorrow so I need paying today or it will affect my credit rating which I won't accept.

Be firm and don't accept anything but your money

Whynosnowyet · 01/02/2020 10:29

You have been had big style op.
Bet your dm has a go at you for being so insensitive as to ask for it back...

PanamaPattie · 01/02/2020 10:30

I think you should prepare to say goodbye to your money and your sister. Your parents will probably take her side and you will be the bad guy for upsetting her. Very sorry OP.

HollowTalk · 01/02/2020 10:58

She's shopping right now with your money. It's time to come down really hard on her. And if your mum doesn't have much money then they should be paying a decent amount for rent and bills and food, too.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 01/02/2020 11:23

Perhaps the mum doesn't have any spare money because she's already bankrolling the pair of them.

They may well owe money to others, you have to make yourself a priority as they don't seem to be treating you with much respect. If you want to be at the front of the queue before shopping trips etc, you'll have to be very clear to them that you're not putting up with this.

Maybe you've had years of being treated this way by your family so you haven't noticed or have downplayed things, but your mum should be on your side. Uncontactable because they'll be out shopping? What a lot of nonsense.

Jaxhog · 01/02/2020 11:47

I feel for you. Relatives can be so very shitty about loans, even when they're in writing. You have every right to be both angry and disappointed. She set up a standing order to allay your concerns, then deliberately canceled it. She will probably moan and wail about how could a family member press her for money when she's in such deep trouble (was she not insured btw?). When, of course, it is HER trading on family sympathy!

It's too late now, to tell you that you should NEVER lend to a family member if you mind not getting it back. But, for now, all you can do is to press her for the payments to be reinstated and brought up to date. You could threaten her with legal action if she doesn't, but I doubt that would work. She needs a sharp reminder that a bank would be quite unsympathetic and that she would be in deep Dodoo if she had gone that route. Family pressure may be your only option at this point, so get your parents on board now about how unreasonable she's being.

Good lick!

Morporkia · 01/02/2020 12:11

I really hope you get your money back @Tatty101 but from what I’ve read it sounds to me like your going to have to haul your sister over the coals to get it 😞 good luck x

BemidjiMinnesota · 01/02/2020 12:48

CallmeAngelina

It's not too late for the bank loan option. They could take out a loan for the amount they owe you, pay you back in full, so you're OK for your mortgage in April, and then they will be committed to an actual institution for the repayments and won't be able to piss about.

In fact, I would insist on that at this point. They've abused your kindness, so tough shit on the consequences.

I think this ^ is the best idea. You tried to do them a favour and it hasn't worked out so you need your money back in full.

No good deed goes unpunished as they say!

Drum2018 · 01/02/2020 18:07

Good idea - you should tell her to get a bank loan now to pay you back and let her be answerable to the bank from now on.

needanewnamechange · 01/02/2020 18:25

Did you go and see your sister after work ?

forrandomposts · 02/02/2020 08:57

How did you get on OP?

ladybug2020 · 02/02/2020 09:09

How did it go?

BlouseAndSkirt · 02/02/2020 09:34

I very much hope she hasn’t put the wrong account number in the SO because if so the money will be eith someone else and it is entirely up to them whether they pay your DSis back.

You need to emphasise that the April deadline stands. If you haven’t got the lump sum to re-mortgage for a good rate your mortgage for the next 20 years (or whatever) could add up to thousands more.

The money for his salary was cash flow. They should have paid that back as soon as he got paid. The lack of payment in respect of stolen car, the same. They should have paid as soon as they got the insurance ££.

They need to give you December and January payments as a lump sum and restart the SO.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/02/2020 13:55

How did you get on @Tatty101? Did you have the chat with your DSis last week?

Original poster
Tatty101 · 03/02/2020 21:26

Hi guys,

Thank for all your help and advice.

We spoke and she's paying the loan back in one lump sum out of a bonus from work in a few months (and before the deadline thankfully!)

She was definitely taking the mick and I definitely needed to pull her up on it. Lesson learned, don't try to help out where money is concerned!

Thanks for everyone's input

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 03/02/2020 21:47

You still need to make sure she's paying you monthly amounts up to that point. She has form for not being reliable, she's spending YOUR money now. She can't be trusted.

Love51 · 03/02/2020 22:19

Anyone opening a book on whether that happens, or whether something goes wrong with the bonus. You still need paying before then. I can't believe you are being so relaxed about this! Because chances are she won't pay, and you'll be stuck paying a less favourable mortgage interest rate for decades, because you didn't want to let her borrow from a bank.
Plus you'll still be the bad guy for wanting repaying even though :
Her and boyfriend split up
His job didn't last
They neeed a holiday
She's pregnant
The bonus was less than expected
The bonus is only for top 5% not everybody
The bonus is delayed til Nov (happens at dh's work every year,!)
They are saving for their own home
They bought a dog that proves expensive.
Your mum / dad (maybe brother?) think you should just leave it

I don't have a sister. I do have a brother with a history of being shit with money. Not my money though, he knows my boundaries are too high!

strawberry2017 · 03/02/2020 22:33

That wouldn't sit right with me. Bonuses are not guaranteed and unless she has it in writing from her company that she's getting the amount she needs to pay you back she can't rely on that money.
Will it be paid in time for your remortgage? Does she have a plan for if the bonus doesn't materialise?
She's taking the absolute piss and just delaying the fact you won't have the money in time.
The fact she didn't even speak to you about this shows how little she respects her own sister.
Please let this be a lesson to you - never lend them money again.
With living at home there should be no reason why they don't have substantial savings.