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Original poster

WWYD - sister and money

145 replies

Tatty101 · 31/01/2020 21:36

My DSis and her partner approached me just before Christmas to ask for a large 4 figure loan. The reasons were my DSis' partner was starting a new job and had to work a month before getting paid, some emergency dental work, their car had had an expensive break down and the Christmas period was fast approaching.

They both live with my parents, are mid-20s, no kids.

I agreed on the basis that they were clearly very much in need, that I was lucky enough to have the cash available and that they committ to a payment plan which they created and agreed to. The first payment was due on 31st Dec but my DSis' partner's car was stolen on Christmas Eve. Neither of them asked me if they could delay the first payment but needless to say, I did not receive anything on the payment date. This didnt massively worry me as I know they had a lot of extra costs due to the theft.

The second payment was due today. I have not received anything. I'm now massively regretting lending the money and I'm wondering about what to do next. Would you just assume they are planning to pay once they get the car stuff sorted or would you start chasing now? I dont want to be insensitive as I know having a car stolen (with all their Xmas presents in the boot!) is a huge deal but to not even mention anything is worrying me ...

Not to dripfeed: my DSis had financial problems a number of years ago. I and my parents helped her out and she paid it all back. This was about 5 years ago.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 01/02/2020 08:12

You need to get up, dressed and round to their house now, to catch them before they go shopping with your money!

rookiemere · 01/02/2020 08:13

Oh dear I do wish you hadn't lent them the money. I'd just be really hard nosed about getting a payment plan in place, even if it's less per month than initially planned. Get it paid back as quickly as you can, and then never, ever lend them money again.

Original poster
Tatty101 · 01/02/2020 08:14

Yeah I think this proves pretty definitively that they can't budget. And if they can't manage on two incomes, paying next to no bills then they are really going to struggle once they enter the big bad world ...

I moved away from home when I was 20 and have since lived in different places around the country. I'm now about 45 mins away from home but my DSis does seem to think that I have all the money in the world because of that.

You're all right, I clearly shouldn't have lent it in the first place but I did genuinely want to help out as it had been a rough few weeks and we've all been there.

OP posts:

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General money
KellyHall · 01/02/2020 08:15

So you gave them a very important deadline too, and they're still 1) not paying and 2) ignoring you?!

Is this symptomatic of your wider relationship? I.e. does she normally treat you with such disrespect? If so, let her know you'll be taking her to the small claims court unless you get your money by the agreed date.

I'm sorry they're treating you so badly after you were goid enough to help them. Unfortunately money often muddies even previously good relationships.

champagneandfromage50 · 01/02/2020 08:25

Why aren't you picking up the phone and asking your sister what's going on? I find it odd that you didn't mention the Dec sum and then you approach your mum about going round today. It's all very odd.

Original poster
Tatty101 · 01/02/2020 08:31

We usually have a good relationship, we spend important dates together, we booked onto a holiday together a few months back for this Summer.

In terms of me not going around straightaway, I'm working and as I say, I live about a 45 mins drive away now so it'll have to be tonight after I finish. I sent the message last night asking her to confirm the details on the standing order because I havent received anything and I've called this morning but they didnt answer so I've messaged them again saying I was expecting the money and asking what's going on.

I didnt mention the Dec sum because their car got stolen 3 days before the amount was due. I was and would expect a conversation to say 'sorry I cant pay this month because of the car' because that's what a normal adult would do but 1) accepted that maybe there's a maturity issue there and 2) that after paying the insurance excess, new keys for the car and the police charges for towing the car they probably wouldn't have the money. I thought I was being sensitive about the situation and my DSis was really upset about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tatty101 · 01/02/2020 08:33

Sorry, I mean I didnt mention the Dec payment at the time because of the above. I've mentioned it in my messages last night and this morning of course

OP posts:
needanewnamechange · 01/02/2020 08:40

So just to clarify they haven't paid anything at all ? Yeah I get that a bit late or a message to say can we pay next week etc but to not pay they haven't set up a S/O so how do they intend to pay you back ? Was it agreed a SO would be done ?

champagneandfromage50 · 01/02/2020 08:43

Looks like your sister is not very good with money given her previous issues, she is staying at your parents home and sounds like your mum still babies her so now you have given her money the dynamic with you is going to change. If she is used to getting away with things or always being babied she is likely to try and avoid you or run to your mum..... be interested to see how this plays out given she is already ignoring your texts

picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 01/02/2020 08:44

You don't need to confront as such- people forget things that are inconvenient to them.

Text again- 'sorry to nag- just checking you remember I need the repayments to sort out my mortgage, don't you?'

dottiedodah · 01/02/2020 09:06

Do you think its your DS or her DP that is taking the P? If you lent her money before and she paid it back ,then it may be him thats the spender Either way you need to get on to them ,and explain you need the money repaid ! If they are going shopping today then it sounds like they are trying to "forget" about the loan !

Iwannatellyouastory · 01/02/2020 09:11

Sorry to raise it again but why are they buying gifts they can’t afford and now apparently booking a holiday without making a payment towards what they owe you? They don’t even bother making excuses as to why they are not paying you back, but if they did you can be sure they would be using the cost of the holiday as an excuse as to why they can’t pay you back.
You and your parents are enabling this behaviour, they live with your parents so even if they are contributing I’ll bet it’s way cheaper than living in their own place and you hand over money ever time they hit a wee hurdle in life. How are they ever going to move out of your parents without a bit of their own money saved?

BronteSisters · 01/02/2020 09:20

Personally I would be calling them up but on the other hand they seem to have had a kick in the teeth by life right now so I'd be thinking of moving the date of the first payment back one more month (depending on their pay day) and most definitely no more. Find out what day they are paid and they have absolutely no excuse then not to pay.

LittleDragonGirl · 01/02/2020 09:22

I would definitely keep on them about the money, I like you would try to be sympathetic, but my sympathy would run short if they couldn't even show me the decency to at least message and explain they are unable to pay.
Good on you for having it all in writing as worse case you have to take it further you have all the proof it was a loan.
You could always call your parents and explain shes been ignoring you and if they know anymore?

Drum2018 · 01/02/2020 09:22

Do your parents have a landline? If not just ring your mothers phone and ask her to pass you onnto your sister. I'd be fuming at this point if my sister ignored my message and attempts to call. She's making matters worse for herself now. How well she was on the ball enough to cancel the standing order as soon as the car was stolen! It wouldn't surprise me if she'd cancelled it before that, only setting it up in your presence so it made it look as if she was serious about paying you back. Get on the phone to your mothers landline or mobile now and demand to talk to the sneaky cow.

Melvinsmum2020 · 01/02/2020 09:23

They work full time and they live with your parents. They should be rolling in money.

This, with bells on. I think they could be rolling in it if they wanted, but enjoy spending their money on shopping and such like, in the knowledge that Op will help in times of need (as before). Why, given previous problems, hasn’t she saved up an emergency fund, before buying lots of Xmas presents, booking holidays, days out shopping?

I can’t believe your mum had the audacity to tell you they wouldn’t be contactable as out shopping for the day. She should have your back and be telling them in no uncertain terms to pay you back before going shopping.

Is there a reason that your parents didn’t lend the money, if they helped last time? Do they all think you should be the go-to lender?

I am guessing your Sis is the golden child, they all think that she deserves to spend her own money and be bankrolled by you.

I too have a GC sibling, but he got his money from DM. He has never dared ask me to help, I would laugh him out of the country.

I don’t think you will see that money again. A lesson for the future “Never a borrower or lender be”.

ThanosSavedMe · 01/02/2020 09:27

Well now you know never to lend them anything again

Very cf of them to go shipping today when they owe you money

Original poster
Tatty101 · 01/02/2020 09:29

So no money paid at all to date. I lent the money in Nov with the first payment to be made in Dec. I asked her to set up a standing order in front of me and she showed me the screen with it all confirmed so I can only assume she's purposely gone on the cancel it. Which somehow makes it much worse ...
I like her partner a lot but apparently neither of them are great based on this! My DSis initially wanted me to just lend it to her but I made the point of it being it both of them because the reasons she asked for it were joint.

The holiday was booked months before this. And as I say, the presents thing wasnt the reason for the loan. As far as I can tell, they did cut down on Christmas presents this year but I cant be 100% because they were all stolen!

My parents charge them next to nothing and they get everything done for them e.g. washing, cooking etc. I totally agree they need to grow up and I've had so many chats with her about where she wants to go with life, what she wants to do etc. She has a good job and is on roughly £21k which when you have no bills is a huge amount!

When my DSis initially asked me, she said her options were me or the bank which was going to charge them interest etc. I thought this was a lesser evil

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/02/2020 09:31

Don't wait until they've been shopping to remind them! Remind them now so they have absolutely no excuse.

Melvinsmum2020 · 01/02/2020 09:32

Letting her borrow from the bank would have been kinder in the long run, it would have helped her grow up as there would have been no chance of defaulting without repercussions.

She would have had to cut her cloth to suit...

Original poster
Tatty101 · 01/02/2020 09:32

There is definitely a bit of the 'golden child's syndrome.

My parents don't have the spare cash.

I feel oddly betrayed by the whole thing. My parents dont have a landline and my Mum is also in work until 4. I'm definitely going straight there after work today and I'm still holding out some hope that she'll respond to my messages. I've also messaged her partner now too

OP posts:
Tannerfamily · 01/02/2020 09:32

The fact that they have not mentioned anything about payment shows they don’t have your repayment on their list of priorities.

If it was a bank she got the loan from she would have had to make the Dec payment regardless of the car theft.

She is being silly ignoring you.

I hope she responds saying she’ll pay the money today. I would disappointed in your shoes and would let her know that.

Original poster
Tatty101 · 01/02/2020 09:35

I am seriously disappointed and I've put that in the message and on the voicemail.

I'm still kind of hoping it's just a mistake and she's taken down my account number wrong or something.

OP posts:
pelirocco123 · 01/02/2020 09:41

You said in your opening post they were clearly in need.I disagree they both live with your parents , their living costs must ge low. You said he started a new job , what happened to his wages from previous job ? As for Christmas that is not a priority money need

Littlewelshridinghood · 01/02/2020 09:42

I can sympathise OP. I've never lent my sister a large some like you have but the amount I've lent her over the last couple of years has accumulated to be in the hundreds and I've only received half of it back. She has a good paying job but has zero money management skills. And I only ever got the half back because I chased, nagged, called her multiple times. Just plain rude and shady. It got to the point where I had to refuse to lend anymore money. And after speaking to mother about it it turns out she owes my mum a sum of money too. Don't be afraid to upset them by asking for the money back, they agreed to pay, make them aware that you've realise you've not received any payments.