If you kept your surname, what about your children?

[MonsteraCheeseplant]

Just that really. Assuming that you are not Spanish, and that you are married to your spouse, but you have different surnames. Double barrelling is the obvious solution but if you each have three syllable surnames it's not really acceptable is it?

Very few names are objectively 'nicer' than others.

Well, I agree with that.

But some names are objectively easier to live with regardless of whether they are "nice" or not. Just as some first names are easier to live with than others.

Making a massive issue out of children's names doesn't seem very "feminist" at all to me. Chose a name that won't embarrass them or cause them practical issue - what's the big deal?

But if more women give their dc the father's name than the other way round, then obviously that is an effect of patriarchy.

At a population level, sure.

It doesn't make it any less condescending to assume that the same applies to individual choices, though. In fact I'd go so far as to say that it's a strange sort of feminism that belittles women who have made pragmatic choices that you disagree with.

We created a new surname for our kids, which consists of both our names. It works well because both our names are single syllable. Think "Woodsmith" but better :-)

The kids have a different name to both of us, and we have considered changing our names too, but we are too lazy. We do refer to ourselves collectively as "the 'Woodsmith' family".

Kept my name and DCs have my name. DD1's son has her name- her DP's name is a middle name.

Double barrelling is a cop out, isn't it? I know many people who say they will double barrel. The man rarely double barrels (I only know of one man who uses both names). Usually the mother's name drops off even before school.

@HoldMyLobster - if it really was an open choice then there would be more of a mix of mothers' names. As it stands, it is very unusual for children from a relationship to take their mother's name. Every time a child takes the father's name the patriarchy is reinforced.

Our dc have his surname. I have mine. Not a big deal at all.

I use his surname for some things and have a joint account in it. I kept my name for passport. Kids have DH name. The one thing that irritates me is going through passport control when they require a marriage cert if I am not travelling with kids but not DH. They should have an optional field in passport to record names of both parents.

DH and I kept both names, not double barrelled, for precisely this reason. We wanted to be readily identified as a family. This is getting on for forty years ago so very unusual then in the UK. We still have problems with people wanting to hyphenate us - I tell them the hyphen is "silent", or with people misfiling documents because they don't know which name to use. Oh, and there not being enough space on a computer form to fit it all in.

We are often known, and describe ourselves, by our initials, eg the "ABs."

DH's family weren't keen but they just had to get over themselves. It works fine for us, and we are a unique dynasty!

Our children have my surname, with DH's as a middle name.

We married after they were born and nobody changed names.

This was important to both of us because of living in a patriarchal society. Also, we balked at doing what everyone expected us to do!

They have their dads name with my surname as a 2nd middle name. Husband was pretty ambivalent and would have happily taken my name.

Making a massive issue out of children's names doesn't seem very "feminist" at all to me. Chose a name that won't embarrass them or cause them practical issue - what's the big deal?

If it's an entirely neutral decision with no relation to feminism, why are so many men - even those who would consider themselves fairly 'feminist' - so deeply opposed to the thought of their children, or even their wives, not having their name? You only have to read back through this thread for examples.

Clearly it is a huge deal for quite a lot of people - mostly men - and it's no point pretending it's all about what name sounds 'nicer'.

We double-barrelled.

Kids are now primary school aged and it's never been an issue. we gave them short simple first names as the surnames are each two syllables.

I don't believe that either of our heritages should vanish from their names.

Double barrelled here, 3 syllable 2 syllable (mine then his). My eldest has 3-2 for first and middle names too but it works, she can drop any she doesn't fancy when she's older (as can her younger sister of course, 2-2 for her)

I will add that their dads surname will basically grant them anonymity if used and mine will be the exact opposite (his a standard British profession name and mine a foreign name that is uncommon in its own right and from a country with massive online restrictions so few others not related to me with it to be found online!), so we'll be encouraging them to use his name on casual social media and both or mine professionally when they are older. We have both considered doing the same should we choose to double barrel our names too as there are quite a few with his whole name in his profession!

Hyphenated.

And since my kids have intelligence, common sense and an ability to think for themselves I have confidence that they will make the decision that is right for them when they come to build a family of their own, and we will not be making a fuss about which names, if any, get used in that mix.

Before we had children we decided that any girl we had would take my surname and any boy we had would take my husband's. It was the only solution we could think of as we both wanted to pass on our own surname. It's certainly not ideal as there was no guarantee that we would have both sexes. If we had different, shorter surnames we would have double barrelled but as both are quite long and not in English we didn't think it would be fair on the children.

@QueenOfCatan
We have both considered doing the same should we choose to double barrel our names too as there are quite a few with his whole name in his profession!

Exactly the same here, I have a non british heritage and a unique name, my husband has one of the most common names, first and last.
.he has anonymity online, I'm hugely easy to find.

People tend to refer to us as a family using the double barrelled version even though neither of us use it officially

We both have publication etc. Records that would make it awkward to change now.

@OllyBJolly

Double barrelling is a cop out, isn't it? I know many people who say they will double barrel. The man rarely double barrels (I only know of one man who uses both names). Usually the mother's name drops off even before school.

Not remotely true. My kids are at school and use the full, hyphenated version always.

My husband and I each kept our names and the kids have their own surname.which includes both
Which is actual equality.

@IcedPurple Almost no man would ever even consider taking his wife's name, no matter how 'nice' it was.

When me and DH married, my DH took my surname, so our children will have my family surname.

Just because (many) men make a fuss about the DC having their name, even if their name is less nice, doesn’t mean women should do the same just to even things out.

I’m not going to insist my kids have my less nice name in order to bring down the patriarchy but at the expense of my kids.

I kept my surname because it works well with my first name, and people can spell it. I was happy for kids to have DH's surname because mine is quite boring and his is pretty unusual and much more distinctive - eg you can get a gmail address is your own name easily because not many people have it!

DH has changed his name by deed poll a few years ago so that my surname is one of his middle names, and the kids would like that too, but we haven't got around to it yet. It would be a good idea and we have occasionally had extra questions if I'm travelling with the kids but without him, so it might help.

My children have my husband's surname although mine is also on their birth certs.
I've never forgiven him tbh and hope that one day they'll choose to double barrell or take mine.
Husband also regrets it because of how resentful I've been about it over the years.
It astonishes me how many kids still have the father's surname in this era.

Both my sons have DP's surname. I disowned my Father as soon as I left home and there was no way my son's were going to continue the family name. Also my son's are the only boys in DP's family so it seemed right they should take his family name into another generation. I don't think it matters so much with girls as if they get married in the future there's a high chance they'll take their partners surname anyway.

Also my son's are the only boys in DP's family so it seemed right they should take his family name into another generation

Not remotely true

Maybe not in your own isolated case. I'd say maybe a dozen of DD1's friends have hyphenated names on their birth certificates - every single one uses only the last name, their fathers'.

I don't think it matters so much with girls as if they get married in the future there's a high chance they'll take their partners surname anyway.

But what if their surname is 'nicer' than the man's?