If you kept your surname, what about your children?

[MonsteraCheeseplant]

Just that really. Assuming that you are not Spanish, and that you are married to your spouse, but you have different surnames. Double barrelling is the obvious solution but if you each have three syllable surnames it's not really acceptable is it?

It's OK, you don't have to keep repeating yourself over and over to someone who is perfectly well aware of the patriarchal nature of name-changing traditions, and perfectly capable of making her own decisions based on her own knowledge of her own name.

You're making this very personal and hence getting rather defensive, but I was speaking in general terms. I don't actually have a clue about your personal circumstances, nor are they relevant to my point. Which still stands.

Dc also has my surname

difficult to pronounce and spell

"I’m no contact with my father, so felt like the patriarchy was going to win either way!"

Did you ever consider changing your surname to your mother's surname, and giving that surname to your child?

We discussed it at length, and could find no compelling reason one way or the other for DC to have my surname or his surname. Our names sounded awful double-barrelled, and neither would work as a middle name. So we tossed a coin to pick one of our surnames.

I kept my name.
My DC have their father's as their surname. They each have 2 middle names, the second is my surname, this was so they could go double barreled when older if they wanted.
His name is a lot easier to spell than mine.
We also agree that if he'd had a "silly" surname eg. Smelly; he'd have taken mine.

Some names really are nicer than others.. as I said upthread I mainly wish I had my mum's surname as it is very elegant (whereas my dad's is very clunky and aslightly weird while also being really boring..). I'm not married so my baby will have the same name inflicted on them, at least at first.

Fern
At risk of being a broken record...
Did you ever consider changing your surname to your mother's surname, and giving that surname to your child?

My DD has both. DPs name then mine. DPs dad has a hissy about it as apparently the most important (mans) name should be last. DD has my maiden name as my portion but after having a conversation with my mum about how I don't like my maiden name I regret a) not changing mine to something else (I loved my nan's maiden name) and b) DD now has a portion of name I don't want for myself. But there is absolutely no way on earth she would have DPs name as a sole name. Made that mistake with my other DC.

Two surnames, no hyphen, mine first. Mine is often mispronounced, almost always misspelt and DH's rather comedy German surname. Think Gallagher Heinz. They look a bit odd put together, but there was no way I was giving up my surname. DS loves his name.

Both surnames without a hyphen. It would have felt wrong for her to only have DH's name. Plus we are from different countries - both of which can be funny about foreign surnames - so wanted to give DD the most options we could.

Neither surname is "nicer" but DH's surname is certainly more unusual - less than 20 people in the world have it, while mine is shared by over 5.5million!

@AnotherEmma I should have seen that question coming

I did consider changing it in my 20s but decided not to - it's a big deal changing your name as an adult and the usual interpretation would be that I had fallen out with my dad (which I haven't at all) so I decided to let it lie. In the last 10 years or so people at work have started using a variation of it as my nickname.. it's still ugly but it's kind of grown on me so wouldn't change it now. Plus I'll be relying on my dad for childcare so even more reason not to rock the boat

It is a patriarchal tradition, but it’s what men and women seem to want. ( in most cultures, even in cultures where women never change their name).
I think there is something psychological about linking the children to the man via a name. I think it’s more to do with male insecurities.

DS has both surnames. Our only debate was which order sounded best. I would say more children in DS’s class have both parents’ surnames than one.

And if my name was Dungbucket and my husband’s was Smith, it still wouldn’t occur to me to take his name.

I have never liked my surname, and I do like DH's very much; so even though on principle I kept mine, I was happy for DC to have DH's - and have mine as a middle name. Not 100% ideal, but there it is. Having mine as a middle name helps a bit at airports if I'm travelling with DC but not DH.

I kept my surname but it's very difficult to spell or pronounce for most people despite being native UK (Scottish). I didn't want to inflict that on my kids so they have their dads surname which is easier to spell and pronounce.

I’ve known some women with really nice surnames who still have their dcs their DH’s awful surnames!

My dcs = my name

Did you ever consider changing your surname to your mother's surname, and giving that surname to your child?

But my mother's surname is the same as my father's surname; and her birth surname is my grandfather's surname....difficult to escape the patriarchy.

They will be 50% mine and 50% his so they will have both our names. Up to them if they want to only use one when they get older.

A friend gave both her children her surname as a second middle name. Her surname and their dad's surname didn't double barrel well together either way around.

Following on about "nicer" names... I knew a man surnamed Raper who took his wife's name on marriage, effectively ending his line of Rapers. There's no way she'd have used it and he now wishes he'd changed it years ago.

I also know a kid whose surname is double barrelled and includes the name Nobb. Obviously, he gets horribly teased.

You're making this very personal and hence getting rather defensive, but I was speaking in general terms. I don't actually have a clue about your personal circumstances, nor are they relevant to my point. Which still stands.

Yes, you've made it repeatedly. Silly little women giving their children their father's name because of the patriarchy.

Each of those women is an individual. Belittling their decisions does no one any favours.

XH and I both have double barrelled surnames (ancient ones, not 'joined together' ones). Our DC have one part of my surname, because double barrelled surnames are a PITA and my surname would otherwise have died out as my siblings don't have children. We were married for 25 years. So XH is the one whose surname is different. None of us has a problem with that.

My dc have my name. If their father had wanted to take it too, that would have been fine, but he didn't.
I don't think criticizing the continued exercise of patriarchal tradition is the same as 'belittling' women's decisions. I know I am an intelligent feminist. I also know that despite that, I sometimes do things that are influenced by the patriarchy (eg wearing make-up). The fact that so many women have their children take the father's name is 1. An effect of patriarchy 2. Not evidence that they are stupid.
That's not hard to grasp, surely, HoldMyLobster?