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Original poster

If you kept your surname, what about your children?

200 replies

MonsteraCheeseplant · 30/01/2020 18:21

Just that really. Assuming that you are not Spanish, and that you are married to your spouse, but you have different surnames. Double barrelling is the obvious solution but if you each have three syllable surnames it's not really acceptable is it?

OP posts:
minipie · 30/01/2020 23:16

@Mistigri why was my post condescending?

NotGenerationAlpha · 30/01/2020 23:21

DH surname. I don’t really care either way. I just don’t want to change my name as it’s my name and what I have been known for over 30 years.

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 23:46

I don't think criticizing the continued exercise of patriarchal tradition is the same as 'belittling' women's decisions.

I did not say that criticizing the continued exercise of patriarchal tradition is the same as 'belittling' women's decisions. I'm perfectly happy to criticize the continued exercise of patriarchal traditions.

I'm pointing out that some women have their children take their father's name for reasons unrelated to the patriarchy. They are perfectly well aware of the patriarchy. They choose to consider the mother's and father's names equally and find the best choice for their family given their names and situation.

And to belittle their choice to do so is unhelpful.

baxicom · 31/01/2020 00:30

DD has DH's surname. It was me who made the decision; I'm sure DH would have been happy to go along with it if I'd wanted to give her my surname or double-barrel our names. I opted for his name because it's a very bog-standard British name, whereas mine is ethnic and I want DD not to be subject to the racism and prejudice I've experienced when people realise I'm an ethnic minority (I grew up in the UK so I have a British accent, but attitudes change when I tell people my name and they realise I'm from an ethnic minority).

I do also have a DS (not DH's, had him as a single mum) who has my surname (the default option as his bio dad wasn't involved), so I also saw it as having one child with each of our names.

Keeping my surname was always more of a decision borne of laziness, rather than a feminist statement, so I don't feel particularly proud of keeping it.

bringbackfonzi · 31/01/2020 00:32

But if more women give their dc the father's name than the other way round, then obviously that is an effect of patriarchy. That's what the pps you took issue with were saying, weren't they? I didn't see them belittling individuals.

bringbackfonzi · 31/01/2020 00:33

That was to Lobster

Lucked · 31/01/2020 00:36

DHs surname. It is not important to me as I am no less their mum.

DillBaby · 31/01/2020 00:40

I tried double barrelling my own name and it was an absolute pain in the arse so I changed it back to my maiden name. No way was I going to inflict that on my child when I didn’t even want to use it myself. He either had to have my name or DHs. So we just went with DHs name to prevent elderly relatives whinging about it. They barely accept me keeping my own surname never mind giving it to DS as well. I get so many passive aggressive comments about it and cards addressed to Mrs DH even though they know that’s not my name.

HoldMyLobster · 31/01/2020 00:45

Bringbackfonzi - I guess what I'm saying is too hard for you to grasp.

Never mind.

bringbackfonzi · 31/01/2020 00:49

Oh, ok Lobster. Now I feel a bit belittled!

Perverted · 31/01/2020 01:06

I gave my children my name and (now ex) dh took my name too. But I am a tyrant and this is why I am divorcedGrin

Rumboogie · 31/01/2020 01:18

Dcs have my DH's surname, and that's fine. We did discuss it and he thought we should give them mine, but that then has other connotations (this was a while ago - they are grown up) and I didn't want them teased/bullied at school.

I do wish I had given them my surname as a middle name.

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2020 05:30

We don't have children but if we do then they'll have my surname

echt · 31/01/2020 06:37

The deal was a boy would have DH's surname, a girl mine.

ProfYaffle · 31/01/2020 06:48

DDs have my name.

I would have liked to double barrel as it makes a comically aristocratic name but Dh is against all double barrelling for reasons I don't really understand. He would've been happy to change his name to mine but was too lazy to go through with it. His surname is also a not very nice one that causes school yard teasing so he wasn't keen to impose it on our dc.

eurochick · 31/01/2020 07:00

We double-barrelled. Two, two syllable names. It's a bit cumbersome but I wasn't settling for anything else.

paradyning · 31/01/2020 07:03

My surname as middle name

Mariagatzs12 · 31/01/2020 07:06

I was married once but never took his surname (thanks HO!} Our DD only has his surname and I regret it every day..

SushiForBreakfast · 31/01/2020 07:13

Both the children have my surname.

coolwalking · 31/01/2020 07:16

Apologies if already said but how are your double barrelled surnamed kids going to deal with their own marriage names? Triple barrelled?

peardrops1 · 31/01/2020 07:18

Give the kids your last name. Can't bear these men who get all huffy at the very idea, as though you've threatened to literally castrate them in front of all their macho friends. Jeezus.

eurochick · 31/01/2020 07:18

@coolwalking this is always asked on these threads. I don't get the issue. They will make their own choice, as I did. That might be to take their spouse's name (I hope not but it will be their choice), keep theirs, mix the names or pick something new.

tealandseagreen · 31/01/2020 07:21

My second name is a unisex first name. I've kept my name and given my children it as their middle name. It's been great at airports. Doubled barrelled as such but without all the stress of it. They have got my husband's surname as their surname.

FernBritanica · 31/01/2020 07:23

But if more women give their dc the father's name than the other way round, then obviously that is an effect of patriarchy.

It is, at a population level. But making broad brush statements like nicer is an excuse ignores the fact that pps on here are individuals who each have their own reasons for giving their children their or their partner's names. Asserting that someone is blindly following the patriarchy when you have no idea of their individual circumstances is belittling.

pollysproggle · 31/01/2020 07:27

I kept my name and officially the kids are double barrelled with my surname being first which is quite a rare surname.
I never use the full double barrel just my name- school, doctors etc they're registered with my name.
I wholly expect the kids to chose when they're older which name they want to use. Mine, their dads or both- mine is the nicest though, I don't have brothers so it would be nice if they carried it on.
DH doesn't care in the slightest what they use.