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Original poster

If you kept your surname, what about your children?

200 replies

MonsteraCheeseplant · 30/01/2020 18:21

Just that really. Assuming that you are not Spanish, and that you are married to your spouse, but you have different surnames. Double barrelling is the obvious solution but if you each have three syllable surnames it's not really acceptable is it?

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 30/01/2020 20:48

*So if your name was Slut and your OH's name was Jones, which would you choose for your children?

I'm always curious to know how far feminism goes.*

I'd give the children both names and only use my own surname for myself.

What do you think most men would do in such a situation? Most men would never even consider 'allowing' their children to take their mothers' name exclusively, no matter how embarrassing their own name might be.

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 20:52

What do you think most men would do in such a situation? Most men would never even consider 'allowing' their children to take their mothers' name exclusively, no matter how embarrassing their own name might be.

The colleague I knew in this situation changed his name upon marriage, and the children took their mother's name.

Apart from anything, having an email address with 'slut' in it means that it's rejected by most servers, which really didn't help him do his job Grin

StripeyDeckchair · 30/01/2020 20:52

I kept my name.
DTs have my name because

  • I carried & gave birth to them and believe me that was not fun.
  • his name is rubbish
  • he wouldn't agree on a date/time to register their births so I went ahead & did it without him

D2 & S2 with partner have my name because he thought it was important all children had the same surname and acknowledged that in the UK none can pronounce or spell his name correctly.
Hes fab.

Mistigri · 30/01/2020 20:52

So if your name was Slut and your OH's name was Jones, which would you choose for your children?

Lol. My surname isn't offensive but we live in a European country where it's impossible for people to pronounce correctly. It also gets spelt wrong all the time including on official papers. I'm not sure why I'd want to inflict that on my kids just to show that I'm a good feminist.

Chickenstakenover · 30/01/2020 20:56

Mine has my surname and not his Dad's, it went far better with the first name we gave him.

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 20:58

It also gets spelt wrong all the time including on official papers

Mine too. It's almost the same spelling as a very common name, but one letter different. I spend my life sending paperwork back to people. I can't count how many people have actually told me I'm spelling my surname wrong.

AnotherEmma · 30/01/2020 21:01

If I had an offensive surname I would change it as soon as I could (16? 18?) and would choose the surnames of one of the women in my family. I would then keep that surname (whether or not I got married) and pass it on to my child.

Good enough answer for you?!

PiratePetespajamas · 30/01/2020 21:02

We double-barrelled. I think they’re both nice but mine is Way more unusual and there was NO WAY I was not giving it to my children. Husband was a bit taken aback, I think, but didn’t argue; his family were stupidly hung up about it (more interested, apparently, in what surname the first baby would have - because I’d kept my surname on marriage - than what sex it was Hmm). Anyway, it’s worked out just fine. I would like us all to be double-barrelled, really, but I think DH can’t really imagine himself anything other than what he is. Oh, funny that...Hmm

Bamboo15 · 30/01/2020 21:03

I let the kids have his name on the basis that I can double barrel at any point to share their name save them the bother of two surnames.

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 21:07

If I had an offensive surname I would change it as soon as I could (16? 18?) and would choose the surnames of one of the women in my family. I would then keep that surname (whether or not I got married) and pass it on to my child.

So we agree that some surnames actually are, genuinely, 'nicer' than others?

IcedPurple · 30/01/2020 21:10

So we agree that some surnames actually are, genuinely, 'nicer' than others?

Very few names are objectively 'nicer' than others.

It wouldn't even occur to the vast majority of men to give up his name in favour of his wife's 'nicer' one, let alone give it to his children. That's because women take men's names. Men don't take women's name. That's the patriarchal tradition, however it may be dressed up.

Blackcountryexile · 30/01/2020 21:11

I kept my own name when we got married. Couldn't see the point in changing a perfectly good name. When I was pregnant with our first DC I decided that this baby was mine but I wanted to give her DH's name as a gift to him. My surname is one of their given names . I was never bothered that both my DC's had a different surname from me. When they were little I explained to anyone that needed to know and as soon as they were old enough they did. Worked fine for us.

stairway · 30/01/2020 21:13

I kept my name but gave my kids his name because it is traditional ( in his country) It’s quite a nice name and links them to his culture and country. I think if he was called smith I would have kindly suggested using my name. I didn’t keep my name for feminist reasons though I just couldn’t see the point of changing it. It doesn’t bother me having a different name to my children, in fact I quite like having a separate identity to all of them really!

TheDIsiilusionedAnarchist · 30/01/2020 21:13

DC1- his surname, my middle name
DC2- his surname, my family middle name
DC3- my surname, my middle name

It does mean my two living children have different surnames, hopefully they won't care. DH didn't care which surname, he has his mother's.

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 21:14

Very few names are objectively 'nicer' than others.

But some actually are. I'm glad we've agreed that.

And in those cases, it's OK for the woman to not give her children her name, and she's not acting that way because of the patriarchy.

Some of us actually are intelligent feminists who make decisions because they make sense.

Ginger1982 · 30/01/2020 21:15

"When I was pregnant with our first DC I decided that this baby was mine but I wanted to give her DH's name as a gift to him."

So you don't think of it as his baby too?

BunsyGirl · 30/01/2020 21:16

Hyphenate or you both have the same surname - it doesn’t have to be his surname, it could be yours. Would he take yours if you are set on keeping it?

RNBrie · 30/01/2020 21:18

I changed my name when we got married, we then had 3 dc so they all have his name. I eventually admitted I deeply regretted changing my name and went back to my maiden name. All three of my dc say they will change their surnames to mine when they are 16. It's become a bit of a family joke now, it will be interesting to see if any of them do!! My surname is much nicer Smile

BunsyGirl · 30/01/2020 21:18

Very few names are objectively 'nicer' than others.

Oh, they are...I hated my surname and couldn’t wait to get rid of it! And it was nowhere near as bad as a friend’s who became a ”Longbottom” after she married and quickly regretted it!

JaneDarcy · 30/01/2020 21:19

Baby is first name, middle name, my surname as another middle name, DH's surname .
Generally goes by first name, surname

IcedPurple · 30/01/2020 21:21

But some actually are. I'm glad we've agreed that.

I think you're being a bit tendentious here.

Your extreme example of someone with the name of 'Slut' is a pretty rare scenario. The vast majority of names are entirely inoffensive, and the 'niceness' of them is entirely subjective. Yet time and time again you'll hear women on these threads say 'Oh I took my husband's name because his is so much nicer." Which is fair enough I guess.... except for the fact that roughly equal numbers of men and women have the same 'nice' and not so 'nice' names, yet equal numbers of men and women do not change their names on marriage. Nowhere near. Men very rarely do, no matter how not 'nice' their names are. That's because what is normal for women is humiliating for men.

To ignore the deeply patriarchal thinking behind the tradition of name changing is highly disingenuous.

IcedPurple · 30/01/2020 21:23

Oh, they are...I hated my surname and couldn’t wait to get rid of it!

Do you have brothers? Could they also not wait to get rid of their objectively not nice name on marriage?

And it was nowhere near as bad as a friend’s who became a ”Longbottom” after she married and quickly regretted it!

She didn't automatically 'become a 'Longbottom' though. She actively chose to be. Why didn't her husband drop his name in favour of her presumably 'nicer' one?

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 21:26

To ignore the deeply patriarchal thinking behind the tradition of name changing is highly disingenuous.

It's OK, you don't have to keep repeating yourself over and over to someone who is perfectly well aware of the patriarchal nature of name-changing traditions, and perfectly capable of making her own decisions based on her own knowledge of her own name.

As I said earlier, perhaps you could start accepting that some women on here are intelligent feminists even if they give their children a name other than their own.

AnotherEmma · 30/01/2020 21:28

"So we agree that some surnames actually are, genuinely, 'nicer' than others?"

Oh, yes. My surname (both my surnames, in fact) are much nicer than DH's. His surname is ugly and difficult for most people to pronounce and yet. And yet, there is no way he would ever have considered changing it when he married me. There is no way he would ever have considered not giving it to our child. Because he grew up in a patriarchy.

(Apart from the surname question he is actually pretty damn feminist, or I wouldn't be married to him!)

Bitofeverything · 30/01/2020 21:28

I’m no contact with my father, so felt like the patriarchy was going to win either way! (As have never liked my name as a result.) Didn’t want my DS to have my father’s name, and DP v close to his family...