Canal boat: Four 18/19 year old lads...

[Miljea]

Aaaaaand... breathe!

The mothers of the other three lads are probably on here, at a guess! That would be funny.

My DS, 18, Year out from uni, is lovely. And clueless. He's not huge on RL friends (at all), but, frankly, his RL friends, such as they are, only seem to get together in cyberspace.

Months ago DS mentioned a canal boat trip, with these other guys, for a lad's birthday. In Feb, somewhere in the Midlands. DS was at sixth form with the now-at-uni inviter, who has a uni mate and a 'local to his uni' mate to make up the 4.

I thought it would die a death, but it hasn't.

Like I said, DS is sweetly clueless.

My concerns?

Getting along the south coast. He's never caught a train alone- even a bus, other than a school one! This is Southampton to Brighton. With a change.

Driving from Brighton to the midlands with an unknown teenage driver.

Arriving late and all going yadda yadda yadda about How The Boat Works (tho the inviter has done it before, as has my DS, albeit in a 'someone else taking responsibility' (us) way.). Then bouncing off into the dark.

Not understanding what are feasible journey times. That you can't travel by night. Knowing the electrical capabilities of the boat, versus battery charge 😊 And water supply. Ending up at pubs to eat, otherwise bringing food, to reheat. Who is planning all that without being derided?

Having a cold, dark, wet, miserable 5 days because no one took control of the situation.

Obviously I need to go along to Make It All Alright 😂😂 but....

Learning experience? Brilliant holiday? Or catastrophe?

Bearing in mind, come Sept, he might be at a uni a 5 hour, inc cross-London train trip away.. 😮 We'll never see him again.

But I almost fear he doesn't know what he doesn't know.

I may be feeling rather anxious about it......

What do your 18 year olds do for holidays?

At 16 DD went camping in the Scottish highlands at a “natural” (ie no electricity, cooking on open fires etc.) campsite. Travelled by train, coach, then 4 mile hike carrying all gear between five of them.

At 17 same five went inter railing around Europe.

At 18 she was with us on our regular narrow boat holiday.

I was on my first narrow boat holiday with friends at 18!

DD is now 21 and alive despite holidaying many times without parents.

Holy shit, I'm glad my parents didn't bring me up with such a closeted upbringing.

He's 18 FGS. The only bit that really would concern me is the drive, but it would be no different if it were a mate from school.

When I was 18 I was on a narrowboat holiday when I met my husband who was on a ‘lads’ boat.
If you had asked me how they were managing I couldn’t have told you how but they did, they survived, and they had a great time.
At least one of them will have a grasp of engines, they’ll pick up steering easily enough, it’s hard to get lost, and most teenage boys will happily live out of packets of cold food (and beer).

Unless he's got sen issues, which you say he hasn't, just let him get on with it if he's keen! You say one of them has operated a boat before. Ok safety issues, but people never learn anything if they are wrapped up in cotton wool. I know times have changed but I'm a bit that he's never taken a train before. Even if he hasn't, surely he's old enough to follow instructions or know ho w to ask a member of staff for help. My dd has got Aspergers and struggles with some things but the other day I took him on a train to the nearest city and we were discussing what he'd do if he went on his own and thinking about maybe he could try it with a friend. He is 13.

You cannot be serious suggesting you go along?! as if a group of 18/19 year old lads want someone's mum tagging along. I know it's a worry but you've got to let him go for his own good.

They are actually adults, so it's not really up to you (unless you are paying). I'm sure he'll manage - it's well past time he learnt how to go on a train and look after himself a bit. My 18 year old is travelling the world, booking flights/ accommodation/ and having to look after himself for the first time. With money he earned working long hours in a pub.

I'd rather mine did a narrow boat holiday then a week in Faliraki or similar.

It's great fun, some of the best holidays I've done, I was 19 when I first went with a group of friends.

You absolutely can't go along, Jesus!

I live next to a canal (but thankfully not the one these lads are planning to visit) and hired a boat with friends in my early 20s. I am sure they will look back at their adventures fondly...one day.

I am very surprised that the boat yard is renting out boats at this time of year - just the liveaboarders are on the canal at this time of year and the Canal and Rivers Trust maintenance guys. I am even more surprised that they are happy to rent to under 25's AND all-male. Have they paid a substantial deposit?

You are not allowed to cruise after dark (so they will need to stay put from about 4pm-8am).

Anyway:
-the towpath is likely to be very muddy or icy (or both). Walking boots are probably better than wellies.
-make him watch a video of how to work a lock and tell you where the cil is. We had a particularly bad summer when 3 separate groups managed to sink their boats in the lock (back of boat stuck on cil and then they tried to fill it too quickly). It is a right pain.
-make sure he closes the paddles when they leave the lock (or the section above might get low on water and the lower section might flood).
-take gaiters or waterproof trousers
-take thermals and a wooly hat
-keep dry clothing in a dry sac or plastic bags - it can get very damp on a cold boat in winter.

• take spare loo rolls (have a habit of getting dropped in shower etc)
• take long matches to light the stove

I managed to steer a boat at 13 - it's not difficult (as long as you can see above the roof!).

When navigating, we used to allow 20 minutes for each lock and 4 miles/hour on the canal (brisk walking pace).

Today 01:47 Tippexy

He’s 18 and never travelled by bus?

Have you ever thought you might be smothering him*

Entirely normal IMHO.

I have a 26 year old and 22 year old; both have driven from the age of 17. We don’t live on a bus route. So, when you get we would drive or give lifts to the nearest train station or airport, since then they drive.

I doubt either has independently been on a bus!

As I have already stated, no, he hasn't been on a train alone before. Why? Because he doesn't socialise in RL. At all.

He doesn't make friends at all easily, and has cried before about how the odd group he has been 'peripheral to', like at school, has moved on without him.

I don't know why he can't make friends. Tho I don't think he tries.

So it was perhaps a bit of a surprise to me that this canal boat invite came along, tbh. I've never heard any of these lads' names before (not that DS is particularly chatty, anyway!).

He hasn't been on a train or bus alone because he has never had anywhere to go or anyone to go with.

Yes, he will be lonely at university.

I worry that he is the tag along. I worry that his 'social currency' is low so, for instance, once he arrives in Brighton, he will be expected to make his own way to the inviter's house, 3 miles away, for example. I worry that he will 'agree' to things he's not that happy about because he needs to stay in the group.

I have warned him about the stag ban. I hope he has the confidence to either 'demand' the hirer checks, or does it himself. He's already getting an edge of anger in his voice when I suggest this would be a very good idea. Oh MUM, FGS!

Like I've said, he doesn't know what he doesn't know. He's never chosen to go out in the world.

I worry that the other three Unknown's will get pissed and try and operate locks, that my son's lack of presence will prevent them from listening to him if he tries to stop them.

I would feel 100% happier if we were talking camping in the New Forest in May.

And suggesting I go along was a joke 😂

Not understanding what are feasible journey times. That you can't travel by night. Knowing the electrical capabilities of the boat, versus battery charge 😊 And water supply. Ending up at pubs to eat, otherwise bringing food, to reheat. Who is planning all that without being derid

TBH - I suspect many people who hire a boat out first time don't know this stuff.

And have a very big learning experience.

As I have already stated, no, he hasn't been on a train alone before. Why? Because he doesn't socialise in RL. At all

I hear you. It's hard and it's hard to make someone socialise outside of online games if they don't want to.

DS (14) took his first bus journey alone this week - because he has never had to take one alone.

lowprofile but if 3 drunk lads sink a boat in a lock, he'll drown along with them, doesn't matter who's 'responsible' for the catastrophe.

Yes to this. Understanding cills and the danger they pose whilst in a lock is really important.

^ This. There was a case somewhere in the last few years where the boat caught on the cill and the people on the boat drowned.

MNHQ are always telling us that Mumsnet exists to make parents' lives easier so there really is no need for some of the arsey replies OP has received.

Teenagers might legally become adults on their 18th birthday but they're individuals with differing levels of maturity and confidence so it doesn't matter if your son independently went to live with the Maasai at 14 years of age for the six week summer break. OP has genuine concerns about her son so just wanted a chat and some advice.

OP - it's certainly not a given that your boy will be lonely at university. School can be utterly shit for making proper friendships but uni is a whole different ballgame and I hope he finds his tribe.

No advice about the canal trip as the combination of teenagers, water and alcohol scares me too!

Obviously I need to go along to Make It All Alright 😂😂 but....

I don’t understand this but. Has he asked you to go, or are you thinking you should and would be wanted?

Just in case anybody is wondering, the average canal is about 1.2m deep and locks have step ladders in them.

OP I would make sure your son has the financial means to book himself into a nearby Travelodge/Premier Inn (or you can do it for him) and get back home.

It is surprising how resourceful young adults can be.

Oh sorry, I see you’ve answered that already.

I think you’re setting him up to fail, OP. Have a bit of confidence in him and he might benefit from it.

You remind me a bit of my mum. She’s great but we lived in a very rural area with no buses or trains. I now live in a big city and if I mention to her that I’m going anywhere by train, she frets and tells me to make sure I ask the conductor if I’m on the right one.

I’m 38.

'Better drowned than duffers if not duffers won't drown'

OP I once made the mistake of asking for advice about my 14 yr old catching a bus for the first time. Got absolutely slated. Called a bad parent, need to stop molly coddling him, why in earth doesn't he know about buses aged 14 etc. All I wanted was a bit of support. And I posted in Chat as you have done, not AIBU.
People like to make huge assumptions about other people's lives and experiences and project their own views onto that.
I would worry too in your position. I'd try my best to talk through all the practical details and tell him I am at the end of the phone if he needs help. I'd worry all week but let him go.

Angelina, and others.

Thanks for your understanding of the situation. And I hoped the way I wrote : Obviously I need to go along to Make It All Alright 😂😂 but.... demonstrated humour!! Like I'd take myself along, uninvited, on a lads holiday. I'll just fly a drone over them, 24/7.

Re: uni, my older DS wasn't much better in terms of RL mates before going to uni. Luckily he made a good friend half way through Y1, and went into a Y2 shared house with him. Unluckily friend left 6 weeks into Y2... but DS is coping (and coming home quite frequently) but at least it's 25 miles away, as opposed to Leeds or Kingston, which is where DS2 wants to go!

I have looked at the T&Cs for the boat hire, which says:

"Anglo Welsh are one of the few operators who will entertain celebratory parties"... They also need the names and ages of all who will be there, so they already know that they are a party of 18 year olds!

I am 'amused' at how full the higher education threads are with worried sick parents and 'not coping' students. Why aren't they all camping with the Maasai? ...😂. But many parents, rightly or wrongly stick a label on their DC's social incompetence, like 'social anxiety', so now they have a SN to pin it on.

I haven't done that with DS, 'label him', for all those who were waiting for my 'He has SN' remark. His life, largely lived on-line, is very common especially with socially awkward young people.

Rejoice that yours is leading a group of 15 mates along the Silk Road.

@Madcats

Doesn’t matter how deep the water is (far deeper in locks than 1.2m- denham deep lock is I think 16ft when full?) Or the steps. I know many seasoned boaters- including my exDH and I- who have had near misses. I also know a fair few who have had nasty accidents in locks when the boat has cilled, when they’ve fallen in with the paddles up, when the boat has jammed in the lock due to damaged brickwork and the water has dropped below it.... one fatal accident involved a boater of 40 years standing slipping into a lock, cracking his head on the side of the boat on the way down, and drowning.

Honestly, whatever you think of this thread, underplaying the very real danger putting a boat through a lock is silly.

With gentle prodding from me, and much eyerolling from him, he says they are all meeting in Brighton on Saturday to 'discuss' this. Great.

What time? Dunno

Where? Dunno...

However, he'll have to get the right train- there's been a derailment locally adding an hour to a 2 hour journey along with 3 potential changes of train to the journey!!

I'm sure there's a direct train service between Southampton and Brighton?