My mum has completely embarassed me

[Blonde2888]

Sorry this is a long story but required to give the detail to the story. I lived at home until I was 30 (due to unforseen circumstances with my father dying). My mum and I were very close due to this and she has never remarried or met anyone else. I bought my own place and finally moved out last year. I love my house, it isn't new, but has had a good bit of work done to it and it is just how I had imagined it to be. My mum hated the house from the minute I bought it, always said I could get more for my money, despite me being happy with what I had. Anyway, I met someone last year, and the relationship is great. They've moved in now and we're doing things to the house together which is brilliant, really putting our own stamp on to it. My mum comes round to the house for dinner or pops round now and again and everytime she comes round she just criticises. Now I spend a lot of time keeping the house clean, but my mum will find ways to make out my house is in a state of disrepair when its far from it. Everyone comments on how lovely the house is when they are over. Last week I brought her over to show her the new mirrored wardrobes we had had put in by a joiner as well as the new tv we had on the wall and new bed/cabinets etc. Her first words were that it was 'fine' but the doors were too loud when shut and there was a huge amount of work still to be done to finish them off. She had a go at me for not pulling the carpet up, the paint tin I got was too large and that I never ask for her opinion or help etc so now I have doubled the work I need to do to finish it all off. I ended up crying like a baby (I'm 31). I just get so worked up when she comes over as she points every single flaw out it makes me feel so down. My partner and I end up furiously cleaning before she comes over and I always feel on edge.

Yesterday she came over to do a little bit of work to the wardrobes again and I asked her repeatedly over the course of a few days what we could do to help? Did we need any tools, paint, sealant etc? She kept saying no and she would do it herself. I insisted we would help and she insisted she was fine and that we could just go out and she would get on with it. I messaged her in the morning to say we were popping to the shops to look at house bits and pieces and if she would like to come with us. Her reply 'no there is far too much to do'. I again said, we would stay to help and she said no. when she got to the house she was furious with me, saying how could i be so selfish and just go galavanting out when she is giving up her time to help me out? I was so taken a back by it that I tried to reason with her and she was so rude and horrible that I got upset (I dont usually) and she told me i was too sensitive and full of self pity. I said we would cancel our plans and stay to help and I was told to leave as she wasnt feeling sociable and I would only make things worse. She said 'I am telling you to go out so just go'. So my partner and I left after a while of trying to reason with her. We also asked if she would like to stay for dinner that way she didnt need to cook after helping out, we were told no. When we came back, she sat us down like children on the couch to tell us the 'house is dirty and a shambles' and that 'I wasnt brought up to live like this' 'we have some nerve to go out galavanting when the house is a mess and there are dirty dishes in the kitchen etc' (there was a mug and two spoons from my partners coffee earlier in the morning). She had gone through the whole house snooping in my garage and cupboards (despite me telling her we are renovating so the house will naturally be a little messier than normal). I said to her that this is my house and my space and the house is far from dirty, which I can assure you is the truth. She kept on going until I started crying, telling us how bad the house was and that everything she is saying to us is falling on deaf ears. I have never been spoken to like that before and to sit two grownups down like that has just taken me back and embarassed me. My house is NOT dirty and I take lots of pride in having and keeping a lovely home. I am very upset and dont know why she's being like this. I fear her coming over because every single time, she is so negative. I just dont know why she's acting like this. my partner thinks she may be a little jealous but I dont want to think like that. I am at a loss.

Never EVER allow her to “help” again.

Stop having her over

I'd tel her to get the fuck out of my house and not come back.she clearly hates that you 'left her' and so wants to drive you away from DP and away from your home.

I@Chrissyho you actually think it's ok for an adult to speak to another adult in that way? What a twisted person you are... everyone else is insensitive? No they just aren't willing to be abused

I think the fact that you stayed at home after your dad died is very relevant. Chances are she 'transferred' all the care and attention (or criticism) that she gave your dad onto you. I don't know which it is, smothering or hyper-criticism. When you left not only were the dynamics already skewed, but she no longer had anyone to focus her attention/criticisms on. And she either sees the house as her 'enemy' as it is now your home (rather than her house) or if she just can't change her mindset from when you were living with her. I guess it's just fortunate that it's not your partner she's focused her venom on!

No matter what her motivation is, you are obviously going to have to squash it. And the only way is to be blunt with her. Dancing around things isn't going to work.

I could so easily have been you. Dad died when I was 23 an age many of my friends were still living at home. As it happened I was working in London and about to start some specialist training so I didn’t move home . My mother certainly hinted and even did up my bedroom so I could. She constantly went on about the nearest big town with equal facilities to what I was doing in London.
I had lots of guilt I tip toe on egg shells around my mother and don’t argue back.
When you loose a parent when fairly young you almost become responsible for the Remaining parent, you also don’t get to grieve properly as the surviving parent is the primary griever. I don’t think it is a healthy dynamic.
You have actually been very strong to move out and get a relationship. I am also rather surprised it’s not your partner being criticized here. I can’t advise as my mother has also behaved quite controlling over me but I have just stepped back as I have got older. Don’t make yourself dependent on her would be my advice and certainly you don’t need her help in your house.

I think you need to "give her her space" - tell her that she's obviously too busy and over-tired to be giving up her time to help you, so she'd be better off staying away until she's feeling better.

Or if that's too pass-agg for you, then just stop her coming over at all.

You need to establish appropriate boundaries - she's being an utter bitch to you for whatever reason and you're continuing to have her back for another dose - this needs to stop before your relationship is ruined beyond repair.

I like the poster who stopped telling her parents in advance what she was going to do, and changed it to just telling them when it was a fait accompli - sounds like a good plan for you as well - but then don't invite her round to criticise.

And for heavens' sake STOP allowing her to do anything to your house, either with you in it or out, you have no privacy or anything! She's being overbearing beyond what is acceptable and you need to stop accepting it.

thanks for all the replies, I was a bit overwhelmed with the number of them. To provide a little background to some of the questions asked, my father had depression and took his own life when I was in my early 20s. I stayed at home primarily until I got myself sorted and also probably to continue helping my mother out financially. We became extremely close because of what we had to go through.What I do have to say is, despite what happened in my first post, my mum has always been my rock. She is the kindest, loveliest and most generous person who has and always will dote on me, but sometimes this is to my detriment as she is also a complete perfectionist and a worrier, and since what has happened, I am all she has. We have no other family and I have no siblings. I know she is very lonely, and misses me a lot, and that me moving out and having my own life is not my fault - albeit she sometimes makes me feel guilty for it, without meaning to. I was very down of late, I struggle with depression myself and so I was a little over emotional (hence the bursting into tears and looking like a baby when she constantly criticises me and the house). But I am still very offended and have received no real apology. I have since told her that what she did was unnacceptable and not her place to comment like she did, let alone sit us down as if it were some last resort intervention. All DIY will be handled by us from now on and also that she may need to have a think about how she is really feeling about our relationship, because she is clearly putting how she's feeling onto me. I hope she manages to work it out and we can talk things through, but until then, I am keeping a health distance. We'll see what happens.

She would have been leaving on the end of my foot if she had spoken to me like that in my own home. Don't let her in your house again & if she asks why, tell her it obviously too dirty for her standards so you won't be inviting her again, then stick to your guns.

Well done @Blonde2888

Oh, I am so happy you did not push her aside and I hope you will soon resume your close relationship with her you once had. x

I think you handled it very well. But if she is not able to make that emotional 'separation' from your life being independent from her, I think you should suggest she seek counseling about feelings of abandonment. She may feel (consciously or subconsciously) that your dad's suicide as well as your moving were, in a way, abandoning her.

Yes, far better to broker for peace. Well done

Well done, Blonde2888.
Your Mum may need help with her own issues but don't let her put them onto you again.

Have you noticed changes in her behaviour? Before my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's she was fixating in her neighbour and created problems and made small ones huge with her, shortly after moving her out of her place due to this, we realised she wasn't right. Some tests later revealed she was in early stages on Alzheimer's.

People suffering from it can become mean as anxiety levels rise, they fixate usually on things that aren't real, they are lonely and need companionship that they usually refuse also due to anxiety.

They can be confused and feel angry a lot of the time. Would it be worth reading up about Alzheimer's and keeping an eye for similar clues?