My mum has completely embarassed me

[Blonde2888]

Sorry this is a long story but required to give the detail to the story. I lived at home until I was 30 (due to unforseen circumstances with my father dying). My mum and I were very close due to this and she has never remarried or met anyone else. I bought my own place and finally moved out last year. I love my house, it isn't new, but has had a good bit of work done to it and it is just how I had imagined it to be. My mum hated the house from the minute I bought it, always said I could get more for my money, despite me being happy with what I had. Anyway, I met someone last year, and the relationship is great. They've moved in now and we're doing things to the house together which is brilliant, really putting our own stamp on to it. My mum comes round to the house for dinner or pops round now and again and everytime she comes round she just criticises. Now I spend a lot of time keeping the house clean, but my mum will find ways to make out my house is in a state of disrepair when its far from it. Everyone comments on how lovely the house is when they are over. Last week I brought her over to show her the new mirrored wardrobes we had had put in by a joiner as well as the new tv we had on the wall and new bed/cabinets etc. Her first words were that it was 'fine' but the doors were too loud when shut and there was a huge amount of work still to be done to finish them off. She had a go at me for not pulling the carpet up, the paint tin I got was too large and that I never ask for her opinion or help etc so now I have doubled the work I need to do to finish it all off. I ended up crying like a baby (I'm 31). I just get so worked up when she comes over as she points every single flaw out it makes me feel so down. My partner and I end up furiously cleaning before she comes over and I always feel on edge.

Yesterday she came over to do a little bit of work to the wardrobes again and I asked her repeatedly over the course of a few days what we could do to help? Did we need any tools, paint, sealant etc? She kept saying no and she would do it herself. I insisted we would help and she insisted she was fine and that we could just go out and she would get on with it. I messaged her in the morning to say we were popping to the shops to look at house bits and pieces and if she would like to come with us. Her reply 'no there is far too much to do'. I again said, we would stay to help and she said no. when she got to the house she was furious with me, saying how could i be so selfish and just go galavanting out when she is giving up her time to help me out? I was so taken a back by it that I tried to reason with her and she was so rude and horrible that I got upset (I dont usually) and she told me i was too sensitive and full of self pity. I said we would cancel our plans and stay to help and I was told to leave as she wasnt feeling sociable and I would only make things worse. She said 'I am telling you to go out so just go'. So my partner and I left after a while of trying to reason with her. We also asked if she would like to stay for dinner that way she didnt need to cook after helping out, we were told no. When we came back, she sat us down like children on the couch to tell us the 'house is dirty and a shambles' and that 'I wasnt brought up to live like this' 'we have some nerve to go out galavanting when the house is a mess and there are dirty dishes in the kitchen etc' (there was a mug and two spoons from my partners coffee earlier in the morning). She had gone through the whole house snooping in my garage and cupboards (despite me telling her we are renovating so the house will naturally be a little messier than normal). I said to her that this is my house and my space and the house is far from dirty, which I can assure you is the truth. She kept on going until I started crying, telling us how bad the house was and that everything she is saying to us is falling on deaf ears. I have never been spoken to like that before and to sit two grownups down like that has just taken me back and embarassed me. My house is NOT dirty and I take lots of pride in having and keeping a lovely home. I am very upset and dont know why she's being like this. I fear her coming over because every single time, she is so negative. I just dont know why she's acting like this. my partner thinks she may be a little jealous but I dont want to think like that. I am at a loss.

I could have written the majority of your post some years ago OP. In my case (and I don't believe it to be uncommon) her behaviour escalated and became more and more outrageous, manipulative and cruel. The only explanation I can think of is some kind of personality disorder/s.

I am no contact with her now, and my mental health and general outlook on life has improved one hundred-fold.

My MIL can be like this. I’ve known her many, many years and can ignore her catty comments but I used to be very upset by them. My house was never clean enough either, despite my being really house proud. She was the same with my SIL and was once overheard referring to her as a slovenly bitch (she isn’t). It took me ages to appreciate how incredibly jealous she is of me

Careful use of my partner throughout the OP makes me wonder if the OP's partner is not a man as has been assumed by many of those replying. So there may be an added difficulty for the OP and their partner in standing up to her mother if they are also wary of her mother's reaction to a same sex relationship.

Tell her no problem, that was the last time she sees you or the house.

The fact that she encouraged you to stay at home because your dad died is the first problem.

You were only ever 'very close' to your DM while you were living your life in a way that suited her. I suspect you've had a dysfunctional upbringing all along.
This will only get worse as she gets older. Time to disengage a little.

It’s quite sad that the first emotion you feel is embarrassment. Most people would be angry or livid or something more directed towards your mother, whereas you feel her behaviour reflects on you. She’s emotionally abusive and you need to completely disengage from her, before she ruins your relationship with your partner, and you end up back with her for the rest of your life.

^^ This

Good grief. Your partner must have thought she is outrageous as she is! Whatever the reasons for her behaving like this you need to set up boundaries. If she offers any help around the house say that you don't need it and if she has a key get it back. Make it clear that you're not that interested in her opinion on the house as you live there and not her. Basically disengage as you are over 30 and she needs to stop treating you like a teenager.

I'd get this out of chat to relationships. One or two PPs have no idea what you're going through, but you've had some good advice. You're enmeshed with your narcissistic mother. None of this is your fault at all. Do some reading (I would recommend Will I Ever Be Good Enough?) and see yourself as deserving of counselling. Congratulations for seeing her behaviour as unhealthy, and . It gets easier.

She sounds like a classic narcissist. Google and see if you recognise....

She is jealous

She is a martyr

You CANNOT please her because she doesn't want to be pleased.

You have to learn to distance yourself and stop applying all your normal/human/reasonable reactions in your dealings with her. It's hard but essential for your mental health.

I have issues with my mil. OH bought our house a several years ago when we’d only been seeing each other a little while - we live together now. Mil seems the house as just Oh’s even though I have contributed so she has a right to it because she helped him buy it (I mean she gave him a nudge to get his ass in gear and buy a house and donated a small amount of money). She comes over tells me to do this and that, it’s either too clean and I’m not spending enough time with my kids (rubbish) or it’s too much of a mess and I’m lazy. I can’t bloody win. She snoops round the house telling me to do this and that, I need to do that. Moving our stuff around.

I believe they think they’re helping when actually there just making us feel like crap.

She’s your mum. I don’t think you can change her but make sure you stand your ground. Don’t let her talk you down.

Not much advice but you are not alone. Hugs 🤗

She is too enmeshed with you and resents you moving out and living independently. Whatever her reasons, you need to detach and set boundaries. This is not normal behaviour and you should not accept it as such.

I do worry her partner will do a runner.

She is plain jealous! She needs a new hobby or a man!

It will never get better as she is trying to exert control over you, because she has nothing else in her life.

I think she's not coping with the fact you have now moved out. She had you to herself for a long time and was presumably able to dictate everything in her own home.
Now you aren't there she's struggling with this and is acting out and trying to control you in your new life.

She also seems to be angry about the whole thing.

I also wondered if you are in a same-sex relationship and your mother has some issues with this, hence some of this behaviour.

If she has a key, take it back.
When you are feeling calm tell her that her coming round and criticizing everything in your home is unacceptable so in future you will go to hers or go out somewhere together and not meet in your home.

"Mum, I love you very much, but I'm 31, not a little girl and it's not ok for you to criticise me or my house, even if you think it is justified. If you do it again, then I will leave immediately." Every time she has a go at you, point out what she is doing and leave her to it. It is obviously easier to leave her if you are at her house or out and about. Harder if she is at yours. For this reason alone, I'd not invite her around. If she comments about not being invited round to yours, explain that the last time she came round she was so unpleasant you don't want her round again. You need to consistently and calmly link her behaviour to consequences. Like with a toddler. And try and stay zen about it all. Presumably she wants a reaction. The less reaction you give, the less control she has over you.

Boundaries!

I'd send her a text saying
"Mum, you've overstepped the line. DP and I will not be treated like a children in our own home. I love you, but you are hurting me. I hope you can understand why I'm upset. We've got a lot on this week, but perhaps we can meet for coffee (at a cafe) at the weekend xxx"
Then go low contact for a few weeks. Or as long as it takes.

Why did the wardrobes need fixing? if the fitter didn't do a good job you should have taken it up with them, not your mother.

Stop letting her come over. When she calls, say "You always seem stressed at my house so we'll meet in town". Or go to see her. Don't ask her for any favours. For whatever reason (probably a purely selfish one) she is very unhappy about the choices you've made and she's made a role for herself that makes her feel like your life will crumble without her intervention. If she has a key ask for it back. If she says no, change the locks.

You’re living in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You and your mother are both adults but have got stuck in a pattern of over-critical parent and powerless child.

You don’t have to live like this. Time for a big change.

Time to put some space between you so you can both get on with life. You won’t ever make her happy so stop trying. Take away her power, decide what your boundaries are.

Look up Bethany Webster and her work on 'the mother wound'. also read Children of the self absorbed.
also Toxic Parents

light bulbs will go off in your head. x

This sounds a lot like my MIL - what it boiled down to is that she did not want him to have his own, independent life or have serious relationships but wanted him to stay home with her. It was a severe form of emeshed behaviour and jealousy.

It started from a similar place as you - he stayed home into his 30s because his father had a terminal illness. But in his 30s he wanted more independence:

• she had a full on tantrum when he bought a 1 bed flat at age 32 - because she had this strange idea in her head that he would either live with her or buy a house so that she could move in
• she split him up fro his fiancee by being horrible
• she had lots of "health scares" to get him to run around after her

When I met him it started up again - anonymous phonecalls at night, silent treatment to me when visited (including Christmas day), expectations of 1 hour daily phonecalls plus 4-5 visits per week. Nothing was enough ... in the end we moved to a different country to get away.

I tend to agree with @SaskiaRembrandt - she's not jealous. If she was, she wouldn't be helping out would she. The empty nest syndrome sounds more likely OP - to put it blunt, she no longer has anyone (you or your late father) to boss about anymore.
Be civil, but stop letting her into your bedroom !!! It's your private space, you're a grown woman and you're in a relationship! It's your partner's space too now - how would you feel about all of this if your MIL was acting this way? You'd ask your partner to sort her out.

I think she became too dependant on you, especially after your Dad died so now that you have a life of your own she has become jealous and resentful and she taking out on you through the house. She was way out of order. Does she have her own friends? She needs to really start to build a bit of life for herself and not be so invested in yours.

This ^^

OP, well done on getting your home and working so hard to make it how you would like it to be.

Congratulations on your happy relationship.

As others have said, I think your Mum is jealous, has not got over the fact that you moved out, and feels abandoned after the death of your dad and then you (quite reasonably) moving out.

She just can't bring herself to be happy for you.

This is her problem, not yours.

If there were signs of this before you moved out, and she has always been like this, then yes, she probably is Narc.

Either way you need to protect yourself from it and you certainly need to make sure your partner does not get caught up on it and have to put up with your mother interfering in your now joint home.

So, if possible a calm talk with your Mum along the lines of 'we seem to be getting upset with each other over the house..' and tell her you have appreciated her help but you need to make your own decisions now, for better or worse. That she has her home, and you yours. You hope you will each be welcome in each, but do not expect to be involved.

Invite her less often and for very specific things 'Would you like to come for Sunday lunch from 12-3 ?' And don't show her or discuss your home improvements.

Visit her to cut her off at the pass visiting you!

Practice a series of phrases to shut down her comments. "Each to their own...oh, is it raining again?" "Oh well, we love it, nowt so queer as folk...did you get your stuff back from the cleaners?" "LOL Mum, you always say that...never mind, as long as we are happy that's all that matters to Dp and me...did you see Wisting?"

Imagine her comments dropping off you like water off a duck's back. Actually visualise that.

She's not helping you and your partner, she's trying to take over and control everything. Change the locks and put boundaries in place. Expect that she will up the verbal insults and attempts and control until she finally get the message.
Be prepared for crying, diagnosis of terminal illnesses, attepts to split you both up and all the rest to try and vacuum you back under her control.

I think you have to ease your mum into a new life for herself , you and your house are only the problem in as much as she wants things back to the way they were ,and that can never happen . I daresay she is a little jealous . Perhaps you can find her a walking group or other group or club to join , or perhaps is is depressed and needs some help or even a bereavement group , even if it was years ago, you leaving home may have brought it all back .