My mum has completely embarassed me

[Blonde2888]

Sorry this is a long story but required to give the detail to the story. I lived at home until I was 30 (due to unforseen circumstances with my father dying). My mum and I were very close due to this and she has never remarried or met anyone else. I bought my own place and finally moved out last year. I love my house, it isn't new, but has had a good bit of work done to it and it is just how I had imagined it to be. My mum hated the house from the minute I bought it, always said I could get more for my money, despite me being happy with what I had. Anyway, I met someone last year, and the relationship is great. They've moved in now and we're doing things to the house together which is brilliant, really putting our own stamp on to it. My mum comes round to the house for dinner or pops round now and again and everytime she comes round she just criticises. Now I spend a lot of time keeping the house clean, but my mum will find ways to make out my house is in a state of disrepair when its far from it. Everyone comments on how lovely the house is when they are over. Last week I brought her over to show her the new mirrored wardrobes we had had put in by a joiner as well as the new tv we had on the wall and new bed/cabinets etc. Her first words were that it was 'fine' but the doors were too loud when shut and there was a huge amount of work still to be done to finish them off. She had a go at me for not pulling the carpet up, the paint tin I got was too large and that I never ask for her opinion or help etc so now I have doubled the work I need to do to finish it all off. I ended up crying like a baby (I'm 31). I just get so worked up when she comes over as she points every single flaw out it makes me feel so down. My partner and I end up furiously cleaning before she comes over and I always feel on edge.

Yesterday she came over to do a little bit of work to the wardrobes again and I asked her repeatedly over the course of a few days what we could do to help? Did we need any tools, paint, sealant etc? She kept saying no and she would do it herself. I insisted we would help and she insisted she was fine and that we could just go out and she would get on with it. I messaged her in the morning to say we were popping to the shops to look at house bits and pieces and if she would like to come with us. Her reply 'no there is far too much to do'. I again said, we would stay to help and she said no. when she got to the house she was furious with me, saying how could i be so selfish and just go galavanting out when she is giving up her time to help me out? I was so taken a back by it that I tried to reason with her and she was so rude and horrible that I got upset (I dont usually) and she told me i was too sensitive and full of self pity. I said we would cancel our plans and stay to help and I was told to leave as she wasnt feeling sociable and I would only make things worse. She said 'I am telling you to go out so just go'. So my partner and I left after a while of trying to reason with her. We also asked if she would like to stay for dinner that way she didnt need to cook after helping out, we were told no. When we came back, she sat us down like children on the couch to tell us the 'house is dirty and a shambles' and that 'I wasnt brought up to live like this' 'we have some nerve to go out galavanting when the house is a mess and there are dirty dishes in the kitchen etc' (there was a mug and two spoons from my partners coffee earlier in the morning). She had gone through the whole house snooping in my garage and cupboards (despite me telling her we are renovating so the house will naturally be a little messier than normal). I said to her that this is my house and my space and the house is far from dirty, which I can assure you is the truth. She kept on going until I started crying, telling us how bad the house was and that everything she is saying to us is falling on deaf ears. I have never been spoken to like that before and to sit two grownups down like that has just taken me back and embarassed me. My house is NOT dirty and I take lots of pride in having and keeping a lovely home. I am very upset and dont know why she's being like this. I fear her coming over because every single time, she is so negative. I just dont know why she's acting like this. my partner thinks she may be a little jealous but I dont want to think like that. I am at a loss.

Look up enmeshment, then find a counseller to help you deal with it.

Your mother considers you to be part of her. She expects you to do everything as she would, and can't contemplate that you might to otherwise, as how could you, seeing that you are her? Therefore she can't accept that you've moved out and started your own life (many years after you could have done) and needs to get you back in the fold.

It will be hard standing up to her. I know, because I was in a similar situation. (She still thinks we are...). Mine has huge trouble with the idea that I live somewhere a million miles away from where I grew up and keeps thinking I'll move back when I've seen sense. If I say I wouldn't want to live there again I get told 'I'd get used to it'. The fact I don't want to have to get used to it is neither here nor there. She stayed in the family home for years after I left, on the assumption I would eventually move back. Whenever she visits she criticises, to the point it's become a game. Luckily she lives too far away to visit often. She's already tried to argue how I'm going to bring up my imminent child, and won't accept that things have changed in the last 40 years.

She won't take up new hobbies / go to places where she might make new friends as she thinks I'll fill that gap, but then moans she's lonely when I refuse to play along. I ignore. There are options, she just chooses to ignore them.

I had counselling for about 3 years. I now have strong boundaries which no doubt make me look like a bitch to her friends, but if I didn't my mental health would be screwed.

You need to put your foot down. Do not let her in the house on her own (preferably at all) and as soon as she starts she needs to leave. It's hard to get the courage to stand up to her, but you will.

Seriously, I would stop her visits.

This ^

If you don't, you will both end up saying/ doing something you regret - as it is, if you can keep her at a distance, you can probably salvage your relationship.

I suspect that because you have lived "at home" so long, she still sees you as a child, and not a fully-functioning capable adult. She may be a narc - or she may be genuinely worried that you can't make your own choices and decision without her there to hold your hand.

She needs to

a) let you go and accept that you will decide for yourself what to do with your life

b) accept you may make mistakes - that's part of being alive - but no-one dies because a wardrobe door is noisy

c) accept that if you make mistakes you are intelligent enough to learn from them

d) get something else to fill her waking hours now that you aren't in her home

Does she have any friends? Any hobbies? She really is over-invested in you and it isn't healthy for either of you.

Keep her out of your house OP. She’s not invited anymore as all she does is upset you.

Emotional incest. Try and find some therapy as it will get worse before it gets better.

You need to stand up for yourself, don’t let her in your house any more and don’t take her crap! If she starts to criticise you when you are at hers or out, just get up and walk away.

What work did she need to do on brand new wardrobes?? Beside the point I bit I know but I just can’t imagine what she needed to be doing for so many hours.
She told you to leave your own house... and you did? Surely you can see that this is completely bonkers? What on earth did your partner say?
Tell her she isn’t welcome in your house until she can treat you like the adult that you are.

she is jealous.
She had you at home, under her control for years and youhave had the nerve to walk out, and to have your own home, and, how dare you, be happy!

Your world no longer revolves around her, and she can't cope with that, so she has to try and be in charge by criticising you.

You are an adult. You don't have to listen to this. Practise saying things like
I like it the way it is.
No, it isn't dirty, it is fine, pelase stop critisiing .

and so on.

She’s completely out of line. Totally.

But you’re not helping. You need to stop seeking her validation & accepting her help

She’s used to having you to herself and resents your new partners place in your life. All your best building is probably reminding her if happy times with your Dad but instead of sharing that with you and being happy for you, she’s becoming bitter about it.

She needs you to need her & the more you prove you don’t - the harder she’s trying to prove you do.

She didn’t even want to teach you what to do to finish off the wardrobes, because next time you won’t ‘need’ her to do it for you!

But as (most) everyone has said, it’s YOUR house and YOU need to stop allowing her to run it, & you, down.

A S others have said- meet her out or go to her house, but if she is at yours start telling her that you didn’t ask for her opinion about ‘x’

Understand where her behaviour is coming from, but don’t accept it!

What Mabel (on the table) said.

What probably happened with the wardrobes is that Mum didn't particularly like them and is annoyed that the OP chose them without discussing it with her or taking her opinion into account, so she's made up or embellished an issue with them so she can maintain a bit of control and be the "sorter outerer". Keeps her in control and in the house.

She will have just told the OP that she is sorting it and as the OP is still under her spell somewhat, she did as she was told like a good girl. Only she's not a little girl anymore and she needs to take control back.

Sounds like maybe she's picking at you/your home to keep you feeling on edge and vulnerable because she's not No1. in your life any more.

Also sounds like she's over invested in your life.

Consider keeping meetings to coffee/lunch ie away from your house for the time being?

Yesterday she came over to do a little bit of work to the wardrobes again

Why?

Did you invite her? Then don’t!

Did she invite herself? Then say no, that won’t be necessary.

If you have cups in the sink, so what this is your house and your home. If she doesn't like it then tough! My father was very controlling and even when I moved out at aged 19 (20 years ago) he still tried to control me and hated it that he couldn't. When I bought my first home he would "advise" me to do really awful things to the house or would criticise things because he was consumed by jealousy. Thankfully, my husband and I would just laugh and ignore it. I think you need to stand up to your mum and be firm otherwise it might also start affecting the relationship you have with your partner.

Nest building not best building - bloody
phone!

She may be a narc, I don't know. What I see is a mother whose daughter has now left home (after 30 years) and who misses her desperately. She is also angry - this is like grieving, so anger does have a place - and she is trying very hard to suppress that anger because she really doesn't want to say "how dare you grow up? you are my child and dependent upon me and I love you and miss you and want you back and I want to protect you and have you near me at all times because I am also terrified you are going to get hurt without me there to look after you like I did when you were a baby......." She's trying very hard not to say all that but it is coming out anyway. And not only have you moved out but you've found another, more important, relationship, so she's being supplanted everywhere. She feel your loss badly. And she still wants to protect you from possible harm, as mothers do. These are habits she is trying to break but is failing atm.

She is grieving the relationship she had with you. It is empty nest, but you didn't do that to her when you were 18 (or maybe you did but you came back) so it seems less understandable.

You can either keep crying (showing her you're still a child, so stop) or you can show her you've grown up; stop rising to her digs. Just say that you're sorry she feels like that. Telll her that you're happy with things as they are. Ask her if she's OK as this isn't like her. Do it in private. You don't need your dp hanging about witnessing it, allow your mum some dignity while you assert your independence. Be patient with her.

Some brilliant advice here. All I would say is do not let her treat your partner in this way either. My mother was dreadful like yours but always wary of my OH. Yours must be firm with her too.

I'm sorry OP, but at no time after the age of 18 was "mummy" coming over to help
Your bed that you've made, and hard to put a stop to it now.
I'm surprised your dp puts up with it tbh. Can he not fix the wardrobes without mil having to come over?

It must be really upsetting to see her being like this, especially as you were so close but it sounds like a “what’s REALLY bothering you” situation. I think you know already though - she is deeply sad, lonely and misses you. She’s taking her emotions out on you and what your house represents - your own life. Not condoning her behaviour at all but it seems obvious that her constant criticism is her way of being in control and focusing her bitterness, resentment and ultimately sadness towards you and your house. Until you tell her she is out of order, she won’t open up.

You need boundaries

This is so, so way past normal acceptable behaviour OP, from any other adult, let alone from a parent... Your mum sounds absolutely batshit.

Agree with other posters:
Get a counsellor, and start learning about healthy boundaries
Practice standing up to her and saying 'NO'
Stop letting her come over whenever she feels like it
Change the locks if necessary
Read 'Toxic Parents'
Recognise that she will never change
Go low-contact (for your own self-preservation)

I don't think any amount of 'being patient' is going to help I'm afraid. Not from what you've written anyway (unless this is a complete one-off). She doesn't want you to be happy, and she's not going to let you be.

^^ Good advice from Jux.

Your mother is acting childishly, and you have to be an adult to protect yourself.

If your mum can't stop the criticism and the contradictory behaviour, you need to at least keep her away from your house and not talk about the house with her.

I think she’s jealous now you have a life of your own and she’s possibly lonely and miserable in her own life too. My Mother always picks on something in my house though fwiw. It can be absolutely pristine but she will open drawers and cupboards until she finds something out of place, it’s so weird... I just shrug it off.

It’s quite sad that the first emotion you feel is embarrassment. Most people would be angry or livid or something more directed towards your mother, whereas you feel her behaviour reflects on you. She’s emotionally abusive and you need to completely disengage from her, before she ruins your relationship with your partner, and you end up back with her for the rest of your life.

@Drabarni why do you assume the sexes of the partners and then assume that a man would be able to fix wardrobes? 🙄