My mum has completely embarassed me

[Blonde2888]

Sorry this is a long story but required to give the detail to the story. I lived at home until I was 30 (due to unforseen circumstances with my father dying). My mum and I were very close due to this and she has never remarried or met anyone else. I bought my own place and finally moved out last year. I love my house, it isn't new, but has had a good bit of work done to it and it is just how I had imagined it to be. My mum hated the house from the minute I bought it, always said I could get more for my money, despite me being happy with what I had. Anyway, I met someone last year, and the relationship is great. They've moved in now and we're doing things to the house together which is brilliant, really putting our own stamp on to it. My mum comes round to the house for dinner or pops round now and again and everytime she comes round she just criticises. Now I spend a lot of time keeping the house clean, but my mum will find ways to make out my house is in a state of disrepair when its far from it. Everyone comments on how lovely the house is when they are over. Last week I brought her over to show her the new mirrored wardrobes we had had put in by a joiner as well as the new tv we had on the wall and new bed/cabinets etc. Her first words were that it was 'fine' but the doors were too loud when shut and there was a huge amount of work still to be done to finish them off. She had a go at me for not pulling the carpet up, the paint tin I got was too large and that I never ask for her opinion or help etc so now I have doubled the work I need to do to finish it all off. I ended up crying like a baby (I'm 31). I just get so worked up when she comes over as she points every single flaw out it makes me feel so down. My partner and I end up furiously cleaning before she comes over and I always feel on edge.

Yesterday she came over to do a little bit of work to the wardrobes again and I asked her repeatedly over the course of a few days what we could do to help? Did we need any tools, paint, sealant etc? She kept saying no and she would do it herself. I insisted we would help and she insisted she was fine and that we could just go out and she would get on with it. I messaged her in the morning to say we were popping to the shops to look at house bits and pieces and if she would like to come with us. Her reply 'no there is far too much to do'. I again said, we would stay to help and she said no. when she got to the house she was furious with me, saying how could i be so selfish and just go galavanting out when she is giving up her time to help me out? I was so taken a back by it that I tried to reason with her and she was so rude and horrible that I got upset (I dont usually) and she told me i was too sensitive and full of self pity. I said we would cancel our plans and stay to help and I was told to leave as she wasnt feeling sociable and I would only make things worse. She said 'I am telling you to go out so just go'. So my partner and I left after a while of trying to reason with her. We also asked if she would like to stay for dinner that way she didnt need to cook after helping out, we were told no. When we came back, she sat us down like children on the couch to tell us the 'house is dirty and a shambles' and that 'I wasnt brought up to live like this' 'we have some nerve to go out galavanting when the house is a mess and there are dirty dishes in the kitchen etc' (there was a mug and two spoons from my partners coffee earlier in the morning). She had gone through the whole house snooping in my garage and cupboards (despite me telling her we are renovating so the house will naturally be a little messier than normal). I said to her that this is my house and my space and the house is far from dirty, which I can assure you is the truth. She kept on going until I started crying, telling us how bad the house was and that everything she is saying to us is falling on deaf ears. I have never been spoken to like that before and to sit two grownups down like that has just taken me back and embarassed me. My house is NOT dirty and I take lots of pride in having and keeping a lovely home. I am very upset and dont know why she's being like this. I fear her coming over because every single time, she is so negative. I just dont know why she's acting like this. my partner thinks she may be a little jealous but I dont want to think like that. I am at a loss.

How old were you when your dad died?

Nice post Jux

Hi just a thought. I agree with many of the suggestions made here, but have one other to add. MENOPAUSE. Having gone through it myself can confirm that it can send you batshit crazy! Only you know if this behaviour is unlike her, or as others have said, due to jealousy, empty nest , narcism, emeshment etc.

The fact that she made you cry and caused you embarrassment, instead of righteous anger - could imply your role in the relationship is as a “dutiful daughter”. Which will make it hard for you to be critical of her - but it is ok to love someone but not like them.

Whatever the cause of her behaviour, it is out of order. Whether you deal with this with anger, firmness or kindness is up to you. But you will have heard from everybody On this board that it is her not you. Perhaps with the help of your boyfriend you can “reset” this relationship on a more equal footing.

I have lived with a narcissistic mother all my life and her behaviour never changed and I finally realised she had been exploiting my gentle nature since I was a child to make me parent her!

But when the menopause hit me and my behaviour changed and I became depressed, more than usually anxious and tried to isolate myself socially - my family were nothing but kindness.

Best of luck to you.

I recognise this situation. It was me for many years. I don't think I ever really solved the problem with my my mum until she became ill with Alzheimer's and I became the adult carer. I wish I had dealt with it when I could. I might have had a better relationship with my mother and appreciated her as a capable and interesting adult. She might have even learned to see me in the same light.

I think the pp up-thread has got it right. Your mum can't see you as anything other than a dependant child and an extension of herself. She is also, probably unconsciously, jealous of your success and of your partner. She is almost certainly surprised and confused at how her baby girl can have achieved anything without her. She truly believes that you stayed at "home" so long because you were not strong enough to manage by yourself and that you need her in order to survive. You have proven her wrong, but she comforts herself by finding "proof" that you can't really manage without her.
You automatically feed in to this perception, by unconsciously slipping into a dependant child role when she is around. It's so easy, and almost impossible to prevent yourself doing it. You may need some professional counselling to help you as the role is so ingrained.

You need to accept that you are an adult. You have achieved a lot on your own and you now have a loving, supportive partner. You have your own home which you are keeping the way you and your partner want. You are both adults doing what adults do. Making a home and a life away from your parents. Your mum has no automatic right to share that life, although you would probably like her to if she could but treat you as the successful adult you are . Before she is ready to be part of your adult life, she must stop treating you as a child and recognise you are a responsible adult with adult rights, including the right to privacy, and responsibilities, especially to your partner.

Remember: your life, your house, your rules. She has NO automatic right to a key to your home, or even an automatic right to visit you. It is NOT her home to decide what needs doing. She is there as a visitor, not a resident. Maybe she should not be left alone there, just as you would not leave other visitors to roam around and invade your private spaces unsupervised. You may have nothing to hide but why should she know every little thing about you? It's not healthy or normal.

I lived at home until I was 30 (due to unforseen circumstances with my father dying).

OP I would explore this, possibly with a therapist or a very good counsellor. Your father dying wouldn't necessarily have meant you had to stay with your mother. It seems to me that either that bereavement created a dependency, or actually she was quite manipulative beforehand. Other people go through the tragedy of losing a parent relatively early in life without needing to remain with the surviving parent in the long term.

What stood out for me is how careful you are about making sure the house is clean and your defensiveness over this. Sweetie, it doesn't matter. It's your house. You can turn it into a shit pit if you want to - your mum doesn't get to comment or judge.

Please get some help with unpacking all of this. It will be difficult but you do need to reduce your contact with her.

I just dont know why she's acting like this

You don't, it's right at the beginning of your post. You didn't move out until your 30s. You haven't developed the part we all need to with our parents when we move out until much later on. She's likely feeling abandoned.

This ISN'T your problem though and it's time to own being an adult. You are not a child and she needs to be trained out of treating you like one.

Maybe an assertiveness course might give you fast help? Once you start standing up to her and stop pandering then it gets a whole lot easier, trust me. This is YOUR home, not hers and she doesn't get to make you feel bad in it.

Tell her until she stops being so nasty it's better you meet elsewhere for now. Cut down on the contact, she needs to get he town life or the next thing you know, she'll be moving in.

*you do

My DM is like that. She doesn't get out the doorstep now and it's much easier that way.

You were close in the past because you lived in her house and did things her way. Now you are starting to become independent and do things your way she can’t cope with it. You’ve even had the temerity to fall in love with someone else.

Your partner is quite right, there is probably an element of jealousy to this. There is also fear, she has realised she is no longer the most important thing in your life and she is scared of being lonely. That’s why she’s belittling everything you do - she wants you to feel so inadequate and incapable that you will come running home to your loving mummy who does everything properly and will take care of you. It’s coming from a place of love but it’s a controlling and unhealthy form of love.

Other people have given you good advice. You need to set clear boundaries. See her outside the home more. Do not accept any offers of help. Pull her up on things she says that seek to undermine you (my own mum once tried to instruct me on the correct way to de-ice my car, I pointed out that I was in my forties and had been doing it very successfully every winter for over 20 years!) and politely tell her you will agree to differ. Above all else - take back your power, don’t let her be the boss of you anymore. I found personal therapy very helpful with this.

Get the key back or change the locks. Don’t return calls or messages, you risk loosing your partner

My mum is like this. Therapy taught me it's because she's a narcissist. I try every year at Christmas to make friends but she cannot help herself and ends up being a total cunt to me every time. Sorry but it's the truth. I'm NC for my own sanity and mental health.

However tidy my house - my parents and MIL are like this - I tend to ignore and not react and limit where they go plus clean like a mad thing before visits. Hate vsist to them without DH and they massively interferring with travel plans or trying to.

FIL tends to take over any project and make it last way longer than it needs - but sometimes as he has skills can be worth it.

You need to learn to manage the behavior - it likely won't change but you can control how you react to it.

So as a start try and meet outside the house, second don't allow access without you being there and then stop her going places you don't want -may mean having DP there to say no if you can't.

Also don't tell her what you are doing with the house or answer question - change subject or be firm and broken record we are doing x.

@Ingridla it’s a very hard road 💐 Hope you’re doing ok.

my own mum once tried to instruct me on the correct way to de-ice my car,

My Mum won't allow me to know how anything about any appliance I own and have bought even if I've had it years.

Do not let her carry out any more repairs to your house. I bet she’s filled it with her old stuff as well, hasn’t she? She might as well be weeing round the furniture - she’s territory marking. You need to set your own boundaries now. Your house is NOT a mess. Visit her at hers only. She’ll push back and try to insist but you CAN do this. You will loose your partner if you don’t tell your mother where to get off. This is his home too now. My MIL isn’t anywhere near this bad but still enough of this to cause years of stress, and I wish wish wish DH had made an early stand. Trust me, she needs you. You have more power than you think. Also - therapy.

I have a few questions for you but topmost is

1. Does your mother have a key to your home? If she does and she won't give it back, then change the locks so she can't get access to your home when you're not there.
2. Why is she giving you input into your wardrobes/carpet/dishes being left around? It's none of her business. She has her house, you have yours. Stop looking for validation from her for stuff you're doing in your house. Just be happy to know that you're happy with what you're doing in your house.
3. What does your partner say about any or all of her 'input'? I'd imagine that a heart to heart would be useful and you have to be able to hear the tough stuff as well as the nice stuff.

Yes she is your mother but you have to move out of the child-adult relationship to a more adult-adult relationship.

Best of luck with it!

It is now more than 10 years since I told my parents what I was going to do, rather than what I have done.

They no longer get to know about things in the planning/doing stage. They dont get to hear about the jobs i have applied for, but the one I am starting. They see my new car on the drive, not that I'm thinking of changing it. They are told when and where we are going away (or just see photos on Facebook if I really cant be arsed with the conversation about why x is the wrong place to go), not told we are looking at holidays.

Your mum would have no reason to ever go in your bedroom, so she doesn't need to know what wardrobes you've got or how they close. That you felt she had a right to step foot in your bedroom was a mistake.

You need to realise she has no right to information about your life. Her opinion of your house doesn't matter. She thinks its messy. Ok,why does her opinion as someone who doesn't live in the house matter? It's not a question of is it dirty or not, but why is it any of her business how other adults live?

You need to become emotionally independent of her before you can make her emotionally independent of you.

I found that uncomfortable to read as I have daughters your age and would never treat them that way. I think that your mum is feeling abandoned as you lived with her well into adulthood and she is now feeling a bit redundant. She needs to get a life for herself outside of you and you need to stop needing her approval. Most other people would be livid rather than crying so there is obviously some sort of over attachment when you are an adult and she is basically treating you like a naughty child. You have to set boundaries or you will never get her off your back. Don't let her have a key to start with and don't ask her to do jobs for you at home. If she starts to have a go about your house (your poor partner, fancy being lectured like that) then tell her it is none of her business and you are happy to see her but you are an adult now and will not be bullied by her. In the nicest possible way you need to grow a backbone and stop letting her get to you.

Just a thought, have you tried to do/say the same sort of things in her house when you visit her? "Mum, you can't live in a hovel. There are dishes left everywhere" (said with a deep sigh as if the world is about to end), or "Mum, there is a layer of dust over everything. You really must dust better" or whatever takes your fancy and then you can finish if she says that you're being rude you can say "Well, my home is no dirtier than here so if this is fine for you to live in, my home is fine for me to live in. We'll say no more on the subject so let's move on".

My mum does this. I told her if her opinions continued she’d no longer be welcome. If it was really that disgusting instead of criticising she was more than welcome to get the mop/hoover out and do it herself. I wouldn’t be helping nor thanking her for doing it. Soon after that she stopped and we get along much much better. My house isn’t a tip, I’ve got small children so it’s not immaculate, but I just wasn’t happy with her constant comments.
When we lived together she was the same. She used to go away for the weekend when I was 17, I’d have the house immaculate, cooked dinner ready when she came home and she moaned that the washing machine wasn’t cleaned inside. I told her at that point I’d be doing no more and moved out.

So you've had wardrobes professionally finished & she is coming over because there's "loads left to do"

Wtf?

Are you happy with them?

If not-tell the fucking joiner & stop letting your mum piss about!

What does your partner say about it?

Tbh I'd be furious if she was still welcome!

My narc mother still says to me that I am over sensitive and selfish. She does this after she has attacked me and I get upset. Classic narc behaviour.
You need to set strong boundaries with you mother. I really feel for you.
For a Marc mother you are nothing but an extension of her and because of this if must all bs pert or else she is not perfect.
At 52 my mother still tries to tell me whom I can and cannot see. If I meet with someone she has had a run in with them I am a traitor.

The only way to move moved is to set firm boundaries and have ways of handling her that keep her at a distance.
Good luck

Don't even listen to these VILE replies!!!

I believe that, to her, her house was perfect and it was perfect when YOU were in it. Her comments about your house aren't to upset you. She feels lost since your father passed and, now that you found a partner, she probably feels like she lost you one more time and she resorted to a bit of self-pity. I would be incredibly patient with her and just continue to call or text her, show her you are there for her even though you do not live together anymore. Can't believe some replies here are so insensitive!

Argh my mum is a bit like this.
I love her dearly but her standards are impossible. Tbh, now I just roll my eyes and keep on doing what I'm doing but it used to bother me. I'd bust a tit cleaning the house then she'd come and spot the one thing I'd missed.
She wouldn't ever sit me down and bollock me like a child though...she knows id sharp show her the door if she did! You need to stand up for yourself. In your OP you cried three times because of what she said to you, but how often does she really make you cry?

Think the mum has joined the thread.