My mum has completely embarassed me

[Blonde2888]

Sorry this is a long story but required to give the detail to the story. I lived at home until I was 30 (due to unforseen circumstances with my father dying). My mum and I were very close due to this and she has never remarried or met anyone else. I bought my own place and finally moved out last year. I love my house, it isn't new, but has had a good bit of work done to it and it is just how I had imagined it to be. My mum hated the house from the minute I bought it, always said I could get more for my money, despite me being happy with what I had. Anyway, I met someone last year, and the relationship is great. They've moved in now and we're doing things to the house together which is brilliant, really putting our own stamp on to it. My mum comes round to the house for dinner or pops round now and again and everytime she comes round she just criticises. Now I spend a lot of time keeping the house clean, but my mum will find ways to make out my house is in a state of disrepair when its far from it. Everyone comments on how lovely the house is when they are over. Last week I brought her over to show her the new mirrored wardrobes we had had put in by a joiner as well as the new tv we had on the wall and new bed/cabinets etc. Her first words were that it was 'fine' but the doors were too loud when shut and there was a huge amount of work still to be done to finish them off. She had a go at me for not pulling the carpet up, the paint tin I got was too large and that I never ask for her opinion or help etc so now I have doubled the work I need to do to finish it all off. I ended up crying like a baby (I'm 31). I just get so worked up when she comes over as she points every single flaw out it makes me feel so down. My partner and I end up furiously cleaning before she comes over and I always feel on edge.

Yesterday she came over to do a little bit of work to the wardrobes again and I asked her repeatedly over the course of a few days what we could do to help? Did we need any tools, paint, sealant etc? She kept saying no and she would do it herself. I insisted we would help and she insisted she was fine and that we could just go out and she would get on with it. I messaged her in the morning to say we were popping to the shops to look at house bits and pieces and if she would like to come with us. Her reply 'no there is far too much to do'. I again said, we would stay to help and she said no. when she got to the house she was furious with me, saying how could i be so selfish and just go galavanting out when she is giving up her time to help me out? I was so taken a back by it that I tried to reason with her and she was so rude and horrible that I got upset (I dont usually) and she told me i was too sensitive and full of self pity. I said we would cancel our plans and stay to help and I was told to leave as she wasnt feeling sociable and I would only make things worse. She said 'I am telling you to go out so just go'. So my partner and I left after a while of trying to reason with her. We also asked if she would like to stay for dinner that way she didnt need to cook after helping out, we were told no. When we came back, she sat us down like children on the couch to tell us the 'house is dirty and a shambles' and that 'I wasnt brought up to live like this' 'we have some nerve to go out galavanting when the house is a mess and there are dirty dishes in the kitchen etc' (there was a mug and two spoons from my partners coffee earlier in the morning). She had gone through the whole house snooping in my garage and cupboards (despite me telling her we are renovating so the house will naturally be a little messier than normal). I said to her that this is my house and my space and the house is far from dirty, which I can assure you is the truth. She kept on going until I started crying, telling us how bad the house was and that everything she is saying to us is falling on deaf ears. I have never been spoken to like that before and to sit two grownups down like that has just taken me back and embarassed me. My house is NOT dirty and I take lots of pride in having and keeping a lovely home. I am very upset and dont know why she's being like this. I fear her coming over because every single time, she is so negative. I just dont know why she's acting like this. my partner thinks she may be a little jealous but I dont want to think like that. I am at a loss.

Stop enabling her. Don't ask her for help. Stop trying to get her approval. It'll end in tears.

Isnt the definition of madness continuing to do the same thing but expecting a different result?

Read up on narcissistic parents. My mother is like this, lots and lots of people on MN have the same experience.
Also have a look on the stately homes thread on here, eye-opening, with lots of helpful links to articles about dealing with a mother like this.

In short, it’s her not you.

Don't show her anything, don't let her do anything at yours, if she has a key get it back.
Remember you are an adult now, equal to, actually better than, her.
She will not get you to move back and have her old comfortable life back by being nasty to you.
She either shapes up, is happy for you, and finds her own life and entertainment or she will lose you and any future grandchildren.
Perhaps that needs pointing out to her - by you if you are able or by a friend / relative who might be listened to as an adult with a valid opinion.

It sounds as though she can't adjust to you leaving and is lashing out at you for moving out.
She should be happy for you but she sounds determined to find fault because you went against her buying the house and making a break for it (good for you).

Don't let her do jobs.

Invite her round to visit, but if she's rude or critical tell her you don't want to hear it, you'll live in your house as you want. And if she doesn't stop she'll have to leave. (After all, why stay somewhere you think is a mess/dirty etc?)

She didn’t re marry because you are both close, but because she chose not to go out and meet someone new.
If she’s lonely that’s not your responsibility

Is her behaviour always been so controlling, or do you think it’s suddenly worse?
I ask because certain medications or illness can cause massive changes in personalities , has anything changed recently?

Does your Mum work , friends or have any other interests apart from you?

I wondered if she’s depressed?
Clearly you don’t deserve her behaviour and can’t allow her to ruin your relationship or happiness.
I just wondered if she has always been controlling

Time to cut the umbilical cord. Take the keys off her (or change locks) and tell her she's not welcome until she behaves like a human being.

She’s angry you ‘left’ her by moving out and now have someone in your life who is important. She feels pushed out and is acting like an arsehole. Call her bluff, tell her to be nice or fuck off.

G1etOffTheTableMabel gives good advice. Change the terms of your relationship. Your mother is bullying you in an atrocious way. It's not fair and it's not your fault, but try to stop giving her the opportunity to do it.

What were the circumstances of your staying at home so long? I understand that your father died, but that is still unusual. What was she like to live with? How did she behave towards you then? I'd be surprised if this were truly a complete bolt from the blue.

Don't allow her to do any jobs. Don't allow her to have a key. Please don't allow this to continue as eventually it will affect your relationship with your DP. My mother started like this and one day when she arrived and made a smart comment DH pulled her up on it and she never did it again. She does it because you allow her to but honestly I know how hard it is. It sounds so easy to others but you have been so used to this behavior that's it's normal to you.

So much of your OP rang true for me and my narc mother.

I think like others have said you're only seeing her behaviour properly now you're not totally immersed in her world. I bet she always been like this. For me it really became apparent once I had children. Couldn't bare to treat them the way she had treated me - and I didn't have a terrible childhood by any means but I was determined that my children wouldn't have a super-controlling mother like mine (although who knows, I'll probably fuck them up in other ways!)

Nowadays I visit my mum at her house and she very rarely comes here. Due to an arm injury she can no longer just call round out of the blue as she can't drive anymore, which is a silver lining that I am very grateful for!

Know in your own head what you will and won't accept from her and get your partner onside. Good luck standing up for yourself!

Tell her after this last performance, that she is banned from visiting the house.
Your willing to go to hers, or go out shopping or meals.
If she starts to rant , go to the loo.
This gives you time to plan rather than just sitting being attacked.
When she starts her rant hold your hand up palm towards her. Day clearly do you want to stop, or shall I go?
Pick up your stuff and look at her.
If she says sorry if not walk.

I thought you were going to say she was concerned that you've let a bloke you've only fairly recently met, move into your house.

That would be my biggest concern if I were her.

But I agree with others, she does sound jealous and needs to fill the 'void' in other ways.

Whose idea was it for her to fix the wardrobes - yours or hers?

Am I reading right that you argued and she shouted at you to leave your own house, and you did?

And your boyfriend just sat there whilst your mum chastised you both?

None of these things are normal. Learn how to engage with her as an adult and apply the same boundaries to her as you would to anyone else.

If that was my mother, she'd never be setting foot inside my house again.

Easier said then done, but you don't have to let her treat you like this. You sound like you have some great ideas about how you want your house to look, and are doing what you can, then getting trained professionals to do the more complex bits (like the wardrobe). Your mum should be praising and encouraging you.

You definitely don't have to let her be in the house unsupervised by you or your partner, and telling you how to behave in your own home.

It sounds like your mother is struggling to see you as an idependent adult.
I suspect she is also ressentful of you leaving her house and starting to live your life because it means she is left on her own, the first time since your dad died. And she isnt coping well with it.

You need boundaries, and strong ones at that.
Don't ask her or let her 'help out' in the house. Just tell her that you realy apreciated what she has done but ow feel you really need to get on with it by yourself, like the grow ups you both are.
If she critises you, just tell her that you think she is unfair and that your house is fine like it is. Don't argiue on the fie details, dont try and defend yourself. And Don't run around tring to have the house sparkling clean etc... she will always find something wrong (the wrong sie for the pot of paint fgs!) because the issue is NOT how clean your house is but her own ressentment.
I would also direct your encounters around her rather than you. Talk about what she has been up to. Encourage her to go see friends, to be nolved in a sprt/association/voluteering etc.... She needs to build a new life for herself wo you in the centre stage.

She thought you'd live with her forever, and possibly hoped that whoever you met would just move in too. It's really, really obvious from what you've said.

You still think that she somehow doesn't understand how much she's hurting your feelings and that if she did she would stop. She's doing it because it hurts your feelings, because she is angry with you and she doesn't want you to like the new life you have with your partner better than the old life that you had with her.

I think that the best thing that you can do is to say to yourself that you are a grown-up making a family life with your partner now. If you like your home and the work that you are doing on it, and if it is cleaned to a standard that suits you, that's enough. It really really is. She doesn't live there, she doesn't have to like it.

She will stop doing this when you stop giving her the emotional payoff of crying, becoming upset and seeking reassurance. To her this is proof that she still matters. I agree with the previous posters who have said to stop inviting her to the house and especially to stop asking her to do work on it. If she wants to see you, that's fine - tell her you'd love to have a coffee or come to her house. If she asks to come to your house, just say "No, Mum, let's just have a nice time at your home/go out". If she offers to help you with the DIY, say "That's really kind of you but we're actually enjoying doing it ourselves and you know how upset you got last time".

Don't get angry. Don't get upset. My mum used to do this sort of thing a lot and I think that refusing to engage with it, whilst being really happy and enthusiastic when we had nice days when we didn't argue, taught her that the best way to carry on being an important part of my life was to facilitate nice time together.

Why is she doing work on your house? You need firmer boundaries. She feels she can comment because you're involving her too much.

I also don't understand why you bought new wardrobes that your mum needed to work on.

If you want to be treated like an adult, then you need to act like one. So, don't let your mum do work on your house. Don't leave her alone in the house. Stop looking for approval from her ... and everyone else.

She didn't embarrass you. If she was talking rubbish, she embarrassed herself. If anything she said was true, then your actions have embarrassed you.

PS the hardest bit I think is accepting that trying to make her see how much she's hurting you is a waste of time (she already knows) and trying to make her admit that she's being unreasonable/a bad parent is also a waste of time. Ignore the attempts to get attention that are bad and destructive, give lots of positive feedback for the nice things that she does. Either she'll work out that to maintain a relationship with you she has to be kind and supportive, or she won't, and you then decide whether you want that in your life or not, basically.

And (sorry) give yourself permission to assess the way she's behaving honestly. The problem is that you know, objectively, that she's behaving incredibly badly, but because she's your mum and you love her you also feel guilty for feeling that way about it. Let go of the guilt. It's not inconsistent to want a relationship with your mum other than one where she gets to say whatever she's thinking and take out whatever she's feeling on you but you don't get to even think that she's behaving badly

If she has a key to your door take it off her.

She does have the key to your head - work on taking that off her too. You are an adult. She is your mother but you are no longer a child. She can be told no... and any emotional reaction she choose to throw at you is entirely down to her. You can hold your own boundaries, live your own life and she will have to deal with that.

She also has trhe key to your heart... and that is what is making you cry. Your expectations and her actions in no way match. Starty doing waht User suggested. Head her off at every pass. Keep her in her own home or in public spaces. Your home is off limits to her. Forever, if need be.

Start seeing her as a tantrum filled child. Yes, really! Turn those tables on her. Chide her gently, smile and nod, stay calm, even more so when she starts shouting or crying.

ither she will tone it down or you will have buit yourself some nice string physical and emotional barriers. Either way she won't be in a position to reduce to tears any more.

Good luck. You can do it.. let your OH help you out with the emotional wobbles.

One way to solve this is to stop allowing her into your home. Why on earth is she doing work for you? Do it yourself or get a professional in. Visit her at her house or for lunch out instead. That way she won't have opportunity to criticise your home.

NomDeDieu makes a lot of sense, I believe you have arrived at that moment that many of us endure, when you realise you are an independent adult, and for your mum bless her, her daughter has flown the nest. This situation comes with it the ability of a parent, particularly a single parent to become annoying, and for you to strive to make her proud of you: forget it. Brush it off, don’t let it annoy you, its your life and if it is a mistake you must bear the consequences. Your mum will need help during this transitional stage, so stick to your guns and continue to have her over for dinner, try not to be upset by snide remarks, just remind her in a confident happy way that it is your life.

She is pissed off that you moved out. I think you need to lay some boundaries with her. My mum was very much like this, but I moved halfway across the world. I hope you can sort something out with her. She needs to see you as a adult. X