Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

I'm sorry to say that ex friend sounds like a shit stirrer looking to see if you'd changed.

If something like that happened in my life I would NEVER tell my DH so he could spill it to her DH. If it was as brutal as she 'believes' she should never bring it up.

How you talk to your DF should be how you've explained it to us. Your words are full of absolute remorse and I believe you've changed. There is no shame in learning from your mistakes and becoming a better person. None at all.

@BraveGoldie, the OP doesn’t need to prove she’s changed now as an adult from what she was as a child. Most children lie at some point. It is very common for adolescents to lie, especially adolescent girls. As long as they have grown out of it by adulthood there’s no need for them to ‘confess’ it to an adult partner. If the lie was surrounding being adopted or related to someone famous etc etc would you then insist she comes clean or risks poisoning her marriage? Just because the content of the lie is unpleasant it doesn’t change the fact that she was just a child lying for attention.

OP, it was a horrible lie but you recognise that, and you have turned your life around: I admire you for that. You were a child then; you are a different person now. I suggest you ask your DP to read the whole thread. It explains the background, your own thoughts, and the perspective of many others on what you did. Go out for a walk while he does it, and when you get back, take it from there. Trust him. I wish you well.

Why is it a strange thing to pass to her husband. Surely most people share everything with their spouse. Also no one has a clue what the lie was. If it’s as bad as what the OP is saying, then it’s no doubt the friend would’ve told her husband. And if the husband was drunk, well you can imagine it slipt out.

And I strongly suspect your "friend " is no such thing.

Why is it a strange thing to pass to her husband. Surely most people share everything with their spouse.

Not this bullshit again.

Some people know how to respect the privacy and trust of others.

I'd just tell him. We do odd stuff when we were younger, I too lied, some pathalogical shit. Really screwed up too. However, I got caught out, came clean with friends in my mid 20's and left it there. Now in my mid 40's its just something I did in my teens. I was stupid, but learnt from my mistakes as you've done. Its shocking but not a biggie.

Whatever you were like then, you were a child and it was a long time ago.

She sounds awful now and she's an adult.

OP, I actually think this could be a blessing in disguise - allowing you to go into your marriage with a deeper sense of acceptance from your husband and free of the worry of 'discovery'...

I understand you wanting to disown the person you were and afraid that your fiancé might know that person. But that is maybe because you haven't forgiven yourself... you condemn that little girl. Whereas, I think that little girl was struggling really hard, did whatever she could to cope, and had huge strength and resilience to turn her life around and become the woman you are today. I understand it is not a story you want to share with lots of people, but I think it is one you should be able to share with your fiancé, and hope that it will deepen your love for each other...

If your fiancé loves you he should actually be overjoyed to be told the lie is not true. He will be relieved. To think that happened to someone he loves will be causing him pain.....

I'm sitting here thinking if my partner came to me now and told me 'I lused to lie alot when I was a child. Once when I was 13 I said I was attacted. I only told one person and I only said it once, now it's come back to haunt me. I feel so sorry about it' I would give you a massive hug. Only you know how your partner will react, he sounds supportive though
You were a troubled child
Your friend however sounds like a trouble maker - avoid her

I don’t think that telling the husband is that unusual. I can see it coming up in conversation when it transpired that he worked with your partner “oh, I remember her, she was really badly assaulted as a child and it’s always stayed with me.”

What I think is odd is her passing on a message to that effect. Unless she maybe always suspected it was a lie?

@Neednewwellies I understand what you are saying and I think I expressed myself badly. I was actually meaning prove to herself, rather than to her husband and perhaps using this language because the OP herself expressed how important it was to her to be different now. I also dont think she has to confess to her activity as a thirteen year old. However, now that her fiancé believes she was brutally attacked as a child, I think it is not right to reinforce this falsehood.

I think my fear for the OP is that she gets dragged back into the dishonesty that made her so unhappy before - and going into a marriage with such an important, distressing misconception in her fiancé's mind feels like it would do that. Thinking she was attacked is not some random fact like thinking she was born in Surrey v Kent...

Hopefully my second post is expressed better.

@NameChango

So your old 'friend' told her HUSBAND what you said, and HE has gone and bleated it to YOUR fiance?

This is fucked up!

BTW you were only a kid, so don't beat yourself up.

This old friend and her husband need a verbal kicking though. AWFUL.

I agree with @Neednewwellies. Yes, of course, explain to your partner but there's no need to go into detail about the extent of your lying. Keep it simple and don't make too big a deal of it. I suspect that your "friend" knew it was a lie and that, at 13, you were not as great at lying as you thought you were... Best of luck OP.

Oh OP I feel for you. As you have already told your DP that you don't have any contact with childhood friends because you wanted a fresh slate I would be inclined to repeat this. It's not a lie.... You were young, It was in your past and you don't want to discuss it end of.

The fallout could be massive, it's one of those things that noone can predict how it is going to end but I would attempt to minimise before telling the whole truth.

Also OP, you say you don't lie now.
But surely, if you don't tell your husband that this was a lie then he'll have to think for the rest of your lives that you were sexually abused as a child. So the lie will still be ongoing.

Also, him seeing you as somebody who was sexually abused as a child could seriously alter your dynamic. It's a massive thing to process. Imagine finding out your husband was abused as a child. You be heartbroken for him. But it could also damage the relationship. Some partners can't handle it. Some partners begin seeing any future sexual contact as 'wrong' and tainted. Some partners start treating you as a permanent victim. This could break you up at some point down the line if he believes this.

Either he finds out you lied OR you let him think you were sexually assaulted. Which is lying.

I'm sure your husband will be happier finding out you weren't sexually abused than be angry at knowing you made things up.

@NameChango Agree also, with the posters saying this woman is not your friend. Not if you have had naff-all to do with each other in nearly 2 decades!

I don't think I worded that correctly but I hope you know what I meant.

But then the poster below raises a valid point in regards to DP always thinking you were an abused child. That shifts my mindset a little..... So actually my post is of no use.

I'm one of those you've just apologised to - nasty sexual assault at that age.

And I wouldn't hold it against you. I think it's wise not to pass it back to the old friend. She doesnt need to know and it will cause such bad feeling.

Your fiancé needs to know the truth though. I feel so sorry for you having to face up to this when you've long since learned your lesson, but I don't think you should lie to him.

Good luck. . And for what it's worth, from one stranger at least, apology accepted.

As others have said I have a very low opinion of your “friend” and nothing but admiration for you.

My SIL told me something about her past in confidence once and I have never mentioned this to my DH.

Both your friend and her DH need to learn some discretion and compassion.

My high school best friend was a compulsive lier. She told white lies and big horrible lies.
She has a somewhat troubled/hard upbringing and craved the attention and reassurance.
I am still in touch with her to date -but not as close due to life just being busy unfortunatly-
Today though she is a mature lady with a good job and a lovely partner. And I love her to peices still, regardless of everything she is a good kind person.

I am just sharing to show people can forgive and you are a different person to who you were.
I hope you chat with dh goes well.

I work with someone who I knew as a child, and I also knew that suffered CSA. We live in a completely different part of the country now so it’s a huge coincidence that we work together.

I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone about her past. It’s absolutely not my place to do so and I don’t even want to tell her that I wouldn’t because it’s absolutely none of my business.

I think your friend is in the wrong but her husband even more so. He has crossed a big professional line here, drunk or not.

op thirteen is a child! Children lie, and make mistakes, they are learning as they grow, as are we all.
I think you should be extremely proud of the fact that you realised the lies were getting out of hand, and addressed the deeper problem. That shows your true character far more than lying as a child and older teenager.
Forgive yourself.
Your friend should not have shared this info anyway, what if you had chosen to never tell anyone else ?
Either you say “I was a very unhappy child at the time, and I lied and embellished things to try and get some sympathy and affection “
Or you choose to move on and refuse to talk about it. Either way is fine, it is your past, and your choice.
Forgive yourself and move on OP, as you would forgive any child struggling.

Kids do awful and stupid things. My feelings g as the woman probably knows it's not true and is being horrible stirring up trouble. With that in mind I would tell your fella that she's mistaken, and must have got the wrong end of the stick. I don't see why you should admit your lying past to him really as it was so long ago