Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

It sounds like it would probably ease your conscience to explain to your DP that you lied when you were a kid, especially since you've made such huge changes in your life since then.

What's infuriating is the fact that if the lie were true, you wouldn't owe your DP any kind of explanation as to why you didn't tell him, and for him to admonish you for not telling him shows a huge lack of sensitivity on his part.

He doesn't have any kind of right to know all the trauma of your past, and if you say you don't want to talk about it then he needs to accept that and not press you for more information.

but
What does stand out to me is this friend sharing what if had been true a horrific private experience! How dare she expose you to a loved one like that. If this had been true it's enough to have potentially caused a huge trauma triggered mh crisis.

This screamed out to me too...

who the hell does this... we know now it's not true .. however who the HELL does this woman think she is bringing such a trauma up .. let alone share it.. then PASS it on to your finance all without your permission.. WTF

I agree with everyone else.
The biggest problem here is the shame you still feel. Shame can make us do weird things.

Tell your husband you make that story up as a child and you are mortified that she believes it. Emphasise that you didn't get anyone into trouble.

PS, when very drunk, I did something not dissimilar at 19 as a student. I was trying to get a man I liked to feel protective of me. I'm embarrassed but not ashamed.

What were the consequences of the lie? Didn’t someone get arrested, investigated?

While I agree that there is a time and place for honesty I think in this case a firm ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ is the best option. Appreciate you were only 13 but if my DP had lied this big and it got round to my work colleagues I’m not sure that my reaction would be the most reasonable.

Perhaps say you think she is stirring and you don't want to get back in touch with her, but perhaps he can politely wish her well on your behalf and say you are busy at the moment if her husband brings you up again.

This woman is one to avoid OP

I suspect she knew you were lying (by the sounds of it you were uncovered many times if you lost many friends and family) and said this to her husband to cause trouble / drama

As for lying - you were 13. You’re through it. Good on you, forget about it.

I’d write to your DH. Don’t make it long and waffley. Perhaps even print off this thread. I understand you’d find it v difficult to talk in person

Either she is absolutely insane or she doesn’t believe the lie and is trying to cause trouble.

You just need to tell your fiancé that you made it up when you were a child. You haven’t murdered anyone!

I don't think you need to drudge all this stuff up again. She is s wagon for passing that on as a message, you were thirteen, you have been big enough to fix what was going on in your life and work hard on yourself. I would say to your partner that she has the totally wrong end of the stick. You don't need to berate yourself any more than by the sounds of it you do already. Shame will make you sick, and you're after changing your whole life. That's brave, many people never. change. Let yourself off the hook and forget it!

@misspiggy19 Read the original post again. No one was named or investigated.

Look it's not great obviously but it was a long time ago its not like you did it recently. I think you have to tell your partner the truth and obviously he probably isnt going to be thrilled but if you have always been honest with him then hopefully he will understand it was in the past. Personally the friend situation I think it's more likely she found out you are settled happy ect and said to her partner oh I'm so happy as she was assaulted as a child, awful experience ect and he has drunkenly repeated that it doesn't seem malicious to me. I was sexually assaulted at 17 I've only ever told my best friend at the time she promised she would never tell I hope she hasn't as my family/ husband dont know but realistically she may have told someone I dont know ? That's the thing when we confide in someone we can never 100% know they wont discuss it with someone.

You were an inexperienced 13yo child who expressed your distress by lying. Other 13yos in the same circumstances do far worse, inflict lasting harm on themselves or others & yet do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions for many years or at all.

You took responsibility for yourself as an adult & sought help to grow. This is admirable.

Your fiancé knows you as you are now. Maybe they know about your childhood years & actions, maybe not. Your future with your fiancé is built on truth & trust, so better that he knows about this episode in your life than not.

Your fiancé’s colleague was out of line, even if they were drunk. Many an unmarked offhand comment has had devastating effect when taken home & repeated. Is said fellow a real friend? Workmate? Same level looking to advance?

I too would be wary of the ‘friend’. Between the colleague & his wife ‘friend’, they have poor judgement & little discretion.

I am another who thinks the friend was out of line to mention it.

OP, I was so ready to judge you, before I read your post...but you CLEARLY have completely turned your life around. You were 13 when the lie was told. Not an excuse, but you were a young child. Thankfully you didn't implicate anyone. It was clearly a cry for help.

You have to tell your OH, but I think you know that. I'd show him your first post on here. It comes across really well. You're not making excuses for what you did, and acknowledge that you've moved mountains to become a different person. Hopefully he'll understand. There's no reason why he shouldn't.

Agree with those who say tell DP that it was a story you made up when you were a kid. It didn't go any further but that you regretted it. You'd rather not talk about it - and certainly not have it become a topic with these two acquaintances. Reassure him that you were not attacked and that you are a truly honest person. And then drop it and never refer to it again.

Most of us lie when we are children/ adolescents. It is part of testing out our growing personality.

Honestly, i think you are massively overthinking this.

At 13 there are all sorts of ridiculous rumours going around, i would have just laughed and said it never happened (it didn’t) and “we all used to tell stories at that age to get attention” (true) and let it drop.

I went to school with a girl that told the most amazing fibs, i see her regularly as she lives only five minutes walk from me. I can remember the lies but i would never ever ever bring them up, it’s just “hi Sue, hows the boys?”

OP, I was abused as a child. Those experiences led to all manner of behaviour from me including self harm, fasting, smoking, drinking, drugs and lying. Lying is seen as something shameful in our society, when it’s often a symptom of other mental health issues or trauma just as much as those other things. Being “a liar” has huge stigma, and I understand why you’re so upset about this.

You were a child. There must have been a reason for you behaving as you did - is this something you’ve established? It sounds like you’ve learnt massively from what happened in your childhood, it’s time to let go of the shame of it.

If my DH told he had told such a lie in his childhood it wouldn’t stop me loving him or make me leave - i would just be worried about what he must have been going through to do it, and be concerned for him.

Let it go! Honestly, you were THIRTEEN. It's a horrible thing to lie about but you acknowledge that and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. It's terrible that they brought it up actually, if it was true then it could have been awful for you.

You were a kid and she is a big gossip! Massively downplay it and laugh it off saying something like, "can't believe she even remembers that! It wasn't even true!"

As for your friend 1) she had no idea of your DH knew and it's a shady thing to pass on a message of that sort through him 2) I would just pass on similar well wishes and leave it there. If she pushes the issue just restate you don't want to talk about it. There's currently no friendship there to link you and will just stir up painful things from the past for both of you.

Totally this.

You lied - but had this been the truth, she would have betrayed your confidence in the most dreadful way. She doesn't even have the excuse of being a child, as you were - she's an adult woman who has effectively said something that could have caused huge problems for you - perhaps she was hoping to, perhaps she was just trying to feign an intimacy with you, perhaps she just "didn't think."

As PP has said - just tell her that you are fine now and don't want to talk about it or re-visit that time in your life (which is true - you don't want to go back to telling lies). Tell your DP the truth, but ask him not to discuss it with anyone else, and to shut them down if they try.

I would warn his colleague and your "friend" too, that if anything about this is talked about you'll know exactly where it's come from.

You were a silly child who needed attention for whatever reason, and you got it by telling lies. You aren't the first, nor will you be the last. You didn't cause problems for anyone else by (say) accusing an innocent teacher - you confabulated a scenario which made you (in your eyes) more interesting than you were.

Really - it isn't as big a thing as you are worried about - kids do/say all sorts of stuff. Get the support of your DP and don't socialise with this conniving witch.

No, my fiancé doesn't know about any of the lying. I lost many friends and relationships over it, it tainted everything for my entire teenage years. When I met him it had been years in the past, I was no longer having therapy and was in a good place. I didn't want it to taint anything else. He asked once why I'm not in touch with any school friends, and I said that too much had happened and I needed a clean slate. He respected that. Reading that it's a lie by omission breaks me a bit as honesty is such an integral part of who I am today. I guess that gives me something to think about.

I just don't want to tell him how big an issue it actually was, it wasn't just this one lie, albeit the biggest there was hundreds. The tiniest things, pretending I'd moved from a part of the country I'd never been to, making up pets that had never existed, boyfriends I'd never had, I got caught of and humiliated (rightfully so) multiple times and it's shameful. I want him to know who I am today. Not who I was. I just don't want this to open a whole can of worms. I don't want him to look at me differently, or agree with people's stances on here that I've lied to him for years by not telling him.

@SunshineCake

Your fiancé will be relieved more than anything that it isn't true! Goodness me, just tell him that you used to be a drama queen. Your were a child.

You certainly don't need to bother telling him any more x