Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

You were a child when you told big lies. Leave it in the past

1. That woman had no right to reveal your personal business to anyone. Please stay away from her as she cannot keep a confidence nor does she have any common sense. Such indiscretion!

1. Yeah, you made up a horrible lie. But you have got help for it and you are living your amends by being an honest person now. Do not be harsh with yourself. Imagine if a friend told you this story. What would you say to her? Talk as kindly to yourself.

1. As itsgettingweird says, tell your DH and get him to tell the colleague that his weirdo blabbermouth wife to shut her trap.

1. You will be OK.

My sister, all of us are broken and full of shame. And we also have beauty and strength inside of us as well.

@Durgasarrow

Be kind to yourself x

You can tell your husband the truth without having to unpack the whole thing with his work colleague and your old friend. You are not the only child who told lies like this. Among many other 'stories' my friend told me she was adopted, but I mustn't tell anyone because it was a secret. She wasn't but I believed it for years. I don't know what provoked her to make this up. She went through this phases in her early teens. My suspicion is that it is something to do with puberty hormones. We have all grown up and she is a perfectly normal adult without a lying problem.

You need to tell him the truth. You don’t have to tell him everything. Just that you were a stupid little girl who told a lie which escalated and you deeply regret it.

You can’t get married to this man and have this hanging over you. You need to be honest.

What absolute barstards to say that to each other that bloody demon drink again:(

If i were your husband financee etc I'd just give you a BIG hug and say as long as your OK now, it was when you were little more then a child and it must have caused you a lot of greif and stress at that time then was then now is now.

You had what were efectivly mental health problems issues back then you've been fine now for many years its all over and alls well and I hope you can rid yourself of this burden and he and thee be happy together.

As to this other couple shame on them big time:(

Well that was strange of her to talk about that and even weirder for hur husband to bring it up. What if that was true, like they believe it is, and you hadn't wanted your husband to know!
As for your dh, it wasn't a lie you told him, someone else told him so imo he cannot be angry at you for lying, because you didn't lie to him. You were 13 and you have had help.

You are being way to harsh with yourself. And what gives her the right to bring it up with your husband, that is more unforgivable than you telling the lie in the first place. Neither of you are 13 anymore.

Arent you glad its untrue if a person you confided in ended up telling her husband who in turn told yours?! I would tell your husband that its not true. You were a troubled 13 year old child who lied. That's it. Nothing else to say. Noone asked them to share your secret from years ago. Tell your husband not to talk about it anymore.

Then said that she'd always remembered the brutal attack and was happy to see I'd overcome it

If she thinks you've overcome it, why on earth would she go gossiping about it to people in your life? What a horrible thing to do. It's such a huge betrayal. You made your mistake when you were 13, but she's decided to disclose such a sensitive thing that's not her secret to tell, as a fully grown adult.

Unless the friend is incredibly stupid, it looks like she said this to be malicious. It just doesn't make sense otherwise.

And for your DP to hear a rumour like that and then demand to talk about it after you've said you don't want discuss it (as should be evident to him from the fact you'd never told him) is unreasonable too.

I know it didn't happen, but I think everyone around you, who obviously think it's true, seems to be behaving incredibly insensitively. It's not a piece of gossip to be traded. What kind of people are they??

You haven't hurt anyone but yourself. Your 'attacker' didn't suffer because he never existed. I have serious doubts about your 'friend'. Had she been a real friend she would have spoken to your parents and the Police. I think it was nothing more than a drama to feed her imagination and she knew all along it never happened. Hence her rather late desire to resurrect the story and have some 'fun' at your expense.

I agree to show your fiancee this thread and let him draw his own conclusions from the facts as they are.

Whatever the result is is definitely time to put this, and any other tall stories, to bed and live your life as you want to , with honesty and clarity

Although you’re already fully aware that lying, especially about things like this, is completely wrong - I can’t help but focus on your “friend” here. Nobody with any decency would pass on a message like that before knowing for a certainty that the recipient (your partner) was aware of the issue. Shady as fuck indeed. You were young and stupid, you’re genuinely remorseful and thank goodness nobody has suffered as a result of your lie. I don’t fully see the benefit for anyone in telling the truth now but I understand that lying even by omission to your partner may not be how you want to proceed.

this is why those of us who have any contact with other people's kids are trained to protect ourselves because some kids tell hideous lies.

if you'd done it last year it would be an issue. Just come clean, explain you were 13 and a different person (as most of us are from when we were 13), are revolted at it and never did it again.

and I agree, what a strange thing to bring up. Someone needs a life...

I had such mixed feelings reading your OP @NameChango as I was sa as a child but I have to say, stupid as this may sound, that your apology at the end has really made a difference. Of course you owe me nothing, and might not even be bothered that it mattered to me, but I hope you take it in the spirit it is meant and that it matters to you too.

You did a really stupid thing. I suspect you had no clue what being assaulted really meant and had no idea what a big serious thing it is. You've learnt from it. You have matured.

I really hope your fiancé can move on from this, he has no need or right to forgive you as has made no different to his life though you could argue he has benefitted from you never lying to him.

Regarding the friend, only you can know if telling them the truth will work out okay for you.

.

You say you've completely changed and don't lie any more but surely not telling him about this large part of your life is a lie by omission (huge well done, by the way, because I don't think some people appreciate how hard this is to actually do and stick to) so don't start again now.
Just tell your husband the truth.
Or if that's too hard, show him your post on here where he can read people's responses too.

It'll be hard. But you've changed, which is even harder than this.
It's better it's all out now than after you're married.

I'd have been proud to tell my partner about my past and how hard I worked to change so if I'm honest I find it a tad odd you've not told him this massive part of your life (which would have avoided this entire situation) but I understand everyone is different so maybe start married life with a completely clean slate and tell him everything.
He's hardly going to hold something like this against you when it happened at 13 years of age. Bullshitting something like this as an adult is disgusting. But you were a messed up kid. Just tell him.

You were 13 so can be forgiven! also, why did the friend tell your husband? she should not have done that at all.

You should tell your husband the truth, you were only 13 and it was a mistake. I would question whether your friend knew that you had lied and was trying to create a problem for you now.

Just tell your fiancé the truth about the lie. Explain that you were 13 and lied for attention, just like lots of 13yr olds do.

However, I’m more shocked than an adult woman mentioned the incident to her husband and your partner. Surely if you believed that someone was the victim of a serious assault you’d not be gossiping about it years later? I think that she knows you lied and wants to catch you out.

Just be breezy. If I saw her I’d probably laugh and say something like, “oh matey, you were so easy to wind up when we were kids, I can’t believe you took anything we said seriously, especially the obvious whoppers.” And then move on to another topic.

Hi, op. My heart goes out to you💐

I found this in an article about forgiveness. I did and said some things in my earlier years that I have a very hard time living with. From therapy I have a good understanding about my behavior. I don't know if this will help at all but it has brought me comfort

OP, stop beating yourself up. You were a kid and troubled.

You don't even have to own up if you don't want to. Tell him you have to wish to have contact with people from your childhood. I'm a bit perplexed why she's gossiping like that tbh. Why would anyone want to bring up something like that with this much time past? For all she knew you might not have told your bloke. I'm in the she's stirring camp because she knows it was crap.

Don't show your bloke this thread. Just tell him you don't want any contact with her and to let it drop.

*passed

It's a very strange thing to pass on via her husband, drunk or not. However she has passed it on and now you need to deal with it.

Does your fiancé know anything of your past at all? I think the best thing you can do is to be completely open and honest, you were 13, we've all made mistakes, and many of us at a later age than 13.

You have held onto a very large burden for so long. I do understand. Totally due to my parenting. I was / am a very truthful person so lying for me is / was a big deal. I did it because I was backed into a corner by my mother and it was self preservation. My lie wasn’t even a bad lie. But it was something my mother held over me as proof of not loving my father when he died. It took me to my 40’s to have the courage to confess my lie to my therapist and I see it for what it was. A girl, in pain.

You otoh sought help and revealed who you were then in your 20’s. That’s something to congratulate yourself with. Give yourself a big hug and see the success you have made of your life so far. I really think you it would be wise to tell your fiancée. Not doing so could lead you to a place, you left behind. You must have been in so much pain. You were a little girl.

Sounds to me like this former friend knows it was a lie OP and she's not forgiven you for it and obviously doesn't realise you're a different person now. Just tell your DP that it was a moment of madness, you were going through an attention seeking stage when you were a child and that no-one was effected by the lie.

Please dont beat yourself up over what you said when you were 13. You were a child. I can tell by your words how much you have changed and regret your behaviour.
You have clearly grown and matured into an honest and sensible person.
As PP have said, I really think you should show your partner this thread, your OP and all our responses. We all understand. I'm sure he will too.