Typical British? Funerals

[askmewhat]

I am foreign but this happened to me in uk. I also posted about this subject to one of my home countries discussion forum. I just want to see if there is cultural differences.

So what happened. My MIL mother died and when the funeral took place in crematorium, I had to stay in car with our two year old dd. Our four year old ds could go to the funeral. This was decided by MIL. I have thought I could go in with dd and go away if she would have cried etc. But no we had to sit in the car.

Is this British way that young children are not generally welcomed to the funerals?

I don't recognise this as part of British culture.

What would be more typical is you are present at the funeral with your two year old but you are sat at the back in case your toddler makes any loud noise and you need to take her outside.

Yes, that's what would have happened in my home country, too.

The people there asked why I didn't drive away and let my dh find his way to home by other means.

Yep I agree with FormerBabe in my experience, not everyone wants to take their small children to funerals but they are welcome with the expectation they are taken outside if making noise.

No that's not normal, no. Often very small children aren't taken to the funeral, they are looked after by someone while the funeral takes place so the parents can go. Otherwise, you would sit at the back and take them outside if need be.

Not typical. At my mum's funeral, family brought along their children. One baby cried and was taken out to soothe, but returned once calmed. I took my 2yo to my uncle's funeral. OH sat at the back with him and took him out the room when he was noisy.

Could the motivation for this behaviour be that MIL didn't want me to be present in the funeral?

No not normal. Every funeral I have been to has kids of all ages.

At the last two funerals I've been to (my grandparents') there have been children of all ages present, including 2-month-old babies, although they didn't attend the crematorium, just the church part and the wake.

It kind of varies - most funerals I've been at, there have been young children, but I think some people don't want very small babies and toddlers there because they don't want them to cry through the service, especially if it's a high church sort of service and more of a formal, solemn occasion. I could have imagined my strict, Methodist grandparents taking that sort of attitude, for example. But with a crematorium, I don't know - they tend to be a bit more relaxed and not as focused on the religious aspect.

Has your MIL done anything else in the past to make you think she would deliberately exclude you, or is it just this one thing?

Not normal, no. More a MIL issue than a British one.

There really isn't a typical British funeral. Scottish catholic differs from Scottish Protestant for example.

I've been to funerals with no children and lots of children.

Your mil decided you would not attend her funeral? How odd. Did she leave a written instruction?

Maybe she just thought that she would be distracted if the child made a noise. Unusual

I've been to funerals where it wasn't felt appropriate to have children there. It is a thing. Not so much a British thing, as an individual variation thing.

I am interested in these replies.

Some people think that children shouldn't go to funerals. I think it is something to do with protecting children from the reality of life and death.

However, I didn't take my children to a funeral recently and it was not for that reason at all. My best friend died suddenly, young, and I left my young children with a relative when I went to her funeral. My reason was absolutely simple, I was so utterly and incredibly upset, I didn't want them there as I couldn't have coped with having to look after them.

I have always talked to my children about dying, death and funerals, but this wasn't the one I wanted to introduce them to those concepts, if that makes sense.

The 'ideal' first time funeral I guess would be for someone less emotionally connected to me, or someone who I had expected the death maybe? My granny is likely to die soon and my children will go to her funeral because I will be able to handle it. It was just completely different when my best friend died.

Your mil decided you would not attend her funeral? How odd. Did she leave a written instruction?

OP says MIL mother. I assume that means MIL's mother, her DH's grandmother

MIL didn't want me to be present in the funeral?

It’s not like she would know. Who, of the living, said you couldn’t go in?

Ahhh sorry, misread

Not usual in my experience, like others either children go, sit near the BSc and leave if upset/noisy and if not stay at home with a care giver and the parents go.

Oh, and mammajay, if you're going to be snippy maybe you should read the opening post a little more carefully! It clearly states it was the MIL's mother's funeral...

Odd .

MIL controlling things . I think it would have been acceptable to be there.
A 2 year old child is a 2 year old child and the rest of the congregation would realise that.

I don't think you can dictate who can/cannot attend a UK funeral.
I think it's like a wedding in a church.

I would assume you could be refused entry to a reception or wake perhaps but if you chose to stay in the car, that's probably easier on your small child anyway.

@mammajay please reread carefully. It was the MIL's mother who died. Not the MIL. No one was pronouncing from the beyond

Dd was pretty calm and relaxed at two. I don't think she would have caused too much disturbance. I could have always walked out.

It seems if your MIL decided this then absolutely she didn't want you there. If a two year old wasn't welcome then a 4 yo usually wouldn't be. Is there anyone you could have left the younger child with? And why did your DH allow you to be shunned like that? If you were outside in the car why couldn't you have just stayed at home?

AT my fathers funeral my daughter was 6 months old. Me and the family went in and I ask my friend to look after my daughter in her pushchair for me. It was easier because I was speaking and she would have screamed for me when I got up if sat with me. As it happened my friends couldn't get inside as there was loads of people there so they kept her outside and listened to the funeral. Apparently she did go crazy when she heard my voice so I was happier she was outside. Not cultural though, I just knew it would be hard for em to hand her over when I got up to speak. If it wasn't for that she would have sat on my knee. Shortly after one of my friends dad died and she gave me and my friends her son to look after too as he was asleep in his pushchair. We just sat at the back with him ready to dive out if he started screaming.