Typical British? Funerals

[askmewhat]

I am foreign but this happened to me in uk. I also posted about this subject to one of my home countries discussion forum. I just want to see if there is cultural differences.

So what happened. My MIL mother died and when the funeral took place in crematorium, I had to stay in car with our two year old dd. Our four year old ds could go to the funeral. This was decided by MIL. I have thought I could go in with dd and go away if she would have cried etc. But no we had to sit in the car.

Is this British way that young children are not generally welcomed to the funerals?

I think it's very variable and there's no such thing as one set "British" custom. When some of my older relatives have passed, their wishes or their families have said no children because they feel it's too distressing or formal for kids.
Other funerals have welcomed kids and indeed they have provided some much needed comfort. It's a very individual choice and we can't definitely say what your MIL intentions were.

Years ago children did not generally attend funerals but times have changed. Some older people still consider it's not the place for children but as your 4 year old was welcome it does sound like she was using this as an excuse.

I've never seen children at a funeral in the UK personally. I did plan to take my 2 year old to my grandmother's funeral but my dad (it was his mother) didn't want her there so I respected that (the deceased was his mother) and my husband stayed home with her.

Funerals are open to everyone to attend , you cannot ban anyone

There wasn't anyone to leave dd with. The funeral was 300 miles away, so we travelled as a family.

I will ask dh why he let mil to leave me in car with dd.

but as your 4 year old was welcome it does sound like she was using this as an excuse.

Ds4 was very active boy whereas dd2 was calm. It seems I wasn't welcomed. Shall I ask mil?

At my mum's funeral all her 20 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren attended.

I think it would be unusual to take small children to a funeral. But wouldn't feel obliged to attend mother-in-law's mother's funeral unless I knew her particularly well.

Not everyone believes children should attend funerals - me being one of them (I don’t like the distraction, and find it harder to publicly grieve in their presence). Maybe your MIL was brought up in a similar way. It’s no reflection on you.
Why don’t you politely ask her?

I wouldn't leap straight to the conclusion that you were being excluded on purpose, OP. Some people are quite old-fashioned about funeral etiquette and don't believe that very small children should attend. As I asked previously, is this the only thing your MIL has done that has made you feel like this, or is it just the latest in a long line of snubs?

I would say it's a generational thing as well as maybe regional.

I was born in 1969 and between then and 1980, 3 of my grandparents and a couple of other close family relatives died. I wasn't allowed (or any other young children) to go to the funerals. My peers were the same too.

I think I was 12 before I went to a funeral.

It has never had any effect on me, and I've certainly been to many since then sadly.

I would normally say generational too. DF specified no young children at his funeral while he was still alive. He adored the young children in the family but I guess he was imagining the service to be a certain way. When his parents died in the 1970s, I remember there being a general consensus that a funeral was 'no place for a woman'.

Some funerals are marked as 'private' in the death notice and stipulate 'family only' .
However , I would class the OP and her child as family.
I have been to funerals recently where very young children were present . They were the great grandchildren of the deceased and their presence was appreciated by all .

I wasn't allowed to go to any of my grandparents' funerals (in the 1980s) either - they all died before I was 10. My older brother did go to the last one, though, when he was 13 and I was 9. It wasn't considered appropriate for me to be there because it would have been too upsetting for me, although personally I don't think I would really have understood what was going on. I can't say I'm sorry that I didn't go, though.

My parents would still raise their eyebrows at somebody bringing a toddler to a funeral. Other people wouldn't be bothered. As a pp said, there isn't a single British custom for this sort of thing.

In my family, no young children were ever taken to attend a funeral . It was nothing to do with small children maybe making a noise or being fidgety etc, it was just the done thing, to leave them with another family member,or a neighbour etc.

Smaller children do not understand what is going on,or the concept of death and a funeral,They will learn all about things a bit later on.

I am in the UK, but I do know that in other countries,they have much different traditions,and children of a young age are taken to family funerals.

Were you aware of MIL's wishes before you set off to drive 300 miles with the children or did she spring this on you right before the cremation ceremony, after you had gone to all the trouble of traveling so far with the children?

My children have always attended family funerals, including when very young. This is a MIL thing not a British thing. for your loss.

I don't think there has been any other exclusions. At that time I didn't question the decision. It's just after years and other situations to control things I have start to think it might be mine's or mil's mothers will not to have me there. Strangely active four year old boy was welcomed to join.

When one of my GP's died, my DM requested that no children were present in the crematorium. The eldest would have been 6 or 7 and the youngest were babies. She didnt want any commotion and we respected that as she had a lot on her plate at the time. We put ours in nursery for an extra afternoon.

In my view at a funeral as others have said sit towards back or end of row in church to dive out if any issues. However normally children do not go to the Crem under 10 I would say unless immediate family which they were in this case.

However sometimes people are funny about smaller children being there and upsetting things (I actually think they do the opposite and break the ice etc, they rarely have any comprehension of what is going on).

Basically you generally respect what is asked of you but yes MIL was pretty unreasonable in my view

This is a MIL thing not a British thing

But as many pp have pointed out, there is no "British thing" when it comes to funerals. Some families don't think that small children should be there, others don't mind. If this is something that happened years ago, what has made you start worrying about it now?

I think it depends on who the deceased is. At my dad's funeral my one of his neighbours came with their young kids and they made a racket throughout. It really upset me as I couldn't hear the eulogy at times because of it. Under normal circumstances it wouldn't bother me, but at my dad's funeral it took every ounce of self control not to turn around and scream at them to shut the fuck up. The noisy kids is now all I can remember of the service.

We didn't go to funerals when we were little but I have had to take mine to family funerals.
When my grandad was buried in the Welsh valleys, only men were allowed to go That was the 1980s.

I agree that there is no single British way of doing funerals.

My daughter went to her grandfather's funeral (my FIL) about 4 months before her 2nd birthday.
My mother in law's only request was that I dress her in her brightest dress, rather than buy her something dark and somber.

I would have taken her out if necessary but she was perfectly well behaved and waved to the coffin and said "bye bye Grandpa' as the coffin was taken out of the church. It was very sweet.

Agree with PPs, this is not a British thing. Pretty unreasonable to have the whole family drive a 600 mile round trip including you and 2yo, only to be told to wait outside. Should have been discussed and agreed in advance so that you didn't have to travel. I think the first serious conversation is with DH rather than MIL, firstly about why he didn't know/tell in advance and secondly why he didn't support you on the day.