Typical British? Funerals

[askmewhat]

I am foreign but this happened to me in uk. I also posted about this subject to one of my home countries discussion forum. I just want to see if there is cultural differences.

So what happened. My MIL mother died and when the funeral took place in crematorium, I had to stay in car with our two year old dd. Our four year old ds could go to the funeral. This was decided by MIL. I have thought I could go in with dd and go away if she would have cried etc. But no we had to sit in the car.

Is this British way that young children are not generally welcomed to the funerals?

In summary OP the day wasn’t about you and your feelings probably weren’t top of your MIL’s list of concerns that day. Sure what happened was odd but unless this is part of a wider pattern of you being excluded just let it go.

When my Grandma died I asked my dad if I should leave my young dc with my dp while we went to the crematorium, but he said that everyone would understand that they were only little and might not sit still or quiet and that everyone would like to see them.
I would have taken them out if they had been to much of a disruption.
I can understand all the reasons people might not have children at funerals though. Everyone deals with loss differently.

I think it was mean to leave you in the car and not tell you before so you could have stayed back at the house.

I put this same op to a discussion forum in my country. Children in funerals are seen as a sign that life goes on and they can join the funerals. Of course if there is a problem the parent takes child outside.

To the fact that I had to stay in car they said that they would have driven off and let dh find his way home in other means. Or they were expecting dh to tell her mum that it's either all of us or nobody. One would have left the child with dh and let him take care of her during the funeral.

You are obviously aggrieved about this OP, but in the nicest possible way let it go - MIL was at her mothers funeral.

Maybe she thought she could cope with your 2 year old in the service until she got there.
Maybe she just didn’t want to cause a scene before the funeral.
Whatever it was she couldn’t cope with the 2 year old in the service. Give her some room on this one

Foslady this kind behaviour would be unheard in my country and seen very rude.

But is your MIL from your country......? Things like funerals have more than cultural specifics that suggest behaviours.
There are different protocols for religion, for sect of that religion, for age........and most importantly what the chief mourners can cope with. The funeral is in essence the last thing that the loved ones can do for the person they care about, is your feelings about being sat in a car more important than that? Give the woman a break, she was at an extremely vulnerable point.

Also is MIL an only child? It could have been she was ok but her siblings weren’t.

My relationship with mil is neutral.

Then it's likely she didn't want you at the funeral and used your 2yo as an excuse for you not to be there.

I think there’s a big difference between choosing not to take a young child to a funeral and being told to sit in the car outside.

At my grandma’s funeral we took our children and my sister didn’t take hers. It was our choice.

Then it's likely she didn't want you at the funeral and used your 2yo as an excuse for you not to be there.

This is what I think. Anyway, this could have been done differently by only dh travelling and going to the funeral rather than me sitting a car during the service.

Not telling you before you arrived that your 2yo wouldn't be welcome in the crem was rude. That's the upshot of the whole thing, really, not the norms or otherwise of British funeral etiquette. Your husband could have stood up for you, but would he have wanted to further upset his mum when she was coping with the loss of hers? I think you probably need to let this go if it was years ago and you still have a relatively ok relationship with your MIL. What's the point of agonising over it now?

that doesn't sound normal to me. not had many family funerals but generally very young babies who are likely to sleep through the whole thing may be there, and will be removed if they make any noise. kids from 7 months to 7 years generally not there at all but certainly aren't there but confined to a car! they would be at home or in their normal childcare setting or being looked after by a relative on a different branch of the family who don't know the deceased.

I didn’t go to a funeral until I was 19: it wasn’t usual for youngsters to attend at that time, and only men went to the graveside itself. Times have now changed. This sounds like an MIL thing, and it would have been better for her to say to you before you left the house, however people in grief don’t always think logically. Talk to your DH about this by all means but be prepared to let it go.

I think expecting a family to drive 2x 300 miles then leave half in the car without warning or explanation is incredibly rude.

The UK is mixed about children attending funerals, but allowing a 4 yo in and not the 2yo is odd. It's normally children welcome or not.

Fortunately so far in my DCs' lives there hasn't been much call to go to funerals. DS1 was welcomed at our neighbour's at 18m. We sat at the back and DH did remove him when he got twitchy. At my Grandfather's it was requested not to bring 3yo and 18mo to the service, which was fine as I had another relative nearby to make it viable and they were both of a twitchy, fidgety age, particularly the pair of them.

There is so much variation in religious/ non-theist tradition in the UK that there isn't a standard tradition beyond some kind of service, a burial/ cremation and a gathering afterwards.

Not a cultural thing at all! Or even normal. Every funeral in the UK I've ever attended has had kids of all ages. My own daughter was three months old when she attended my father's funeral. She slept through it.

My son was three years old, and he was perfectly behaved and sat through the funeral at my side. So I also think your 2 year old was used to exclude you. Shitty.

Anyway, this could have been done differently by only dh travelling and going to the funeral rather than me sitting a car during the service.

True but for that to happen she'd have had to be clear with your DH she didn't want you there, doing it this way makes her look reasonable while still treating you badly.

How should I approach this issue now? I really annoys me and just ignoring it doesn't work.

No that's not a British tradition; that's having a really weird family.

Trouble is you can't imo. It was her Mum's funeral, if you protest about not being allowed in, you will look awful.

It's usually the choice of next of kin, my dad didn't want children at his mums funeral, so we abided by kid wishes.. my Dm liked kids at hers so left up to parents... my god daughter at 3 was really traumatised at a funeral she went to as was open casket..,. Her mum wouldn't have taken her if she'd known...

So unless there are other issues it probably wasn't meant as a slight to you ..

Leave it be. It's your MIL's mum's funeral. If there's ever a time to excuse someone's odd/thoughtless/rude behavior, it's now.

Sorry missed updates.. maybe talk to your dh he may have insight into why it was said so late.... bug otherwise you can't bring it up with someone about their mothers funeral

I have never discussed about this with dh so I will see what his reaction is.