Typical British? Funerals

[askmewhat]

I am foreign but this happened to me in uk. I also posted about this subject to one of my home countries discussion forum. I just want to see if there is cultural differences.

So what happened. My MIL mother died and when the funeral took place in crematorium, I had to stay in car with our two year old dd. Our four year old ds could go to the funeral. This was decided by MIL. I have thought I could go in with dd and go away if she would have cried etc. But no we had to sit in the car.

Is this British way that young children are not generally welcomed to the funerals?

Very odd, I organise funerals and there are often babies and toddlers, no issues at all

In my family (and in nearly all of my friends families too) children never attend funerals. I went to friends funeral a few years ago and there were young children present. What I noticed was that people cant grieve properly as they don't want to upset the children, it felt very odd to me.
That wasnt the case here though as the 4 year old obviously went in.

Also OP if I was you I would let it go, it was her mother's funeral. It's one of the few occasions you shouldn't pull people up on their odd behaviour. It could be something simple such as she can explain to the 4 year old to be quiet but not a 2 year old, maybe she didn't think about it till there.

She was mourning her mother, without being rude it's not about your feelings on that day. You said the service was short so you wasnt sat in the car for hours. Seriously this is the wrong example if you want to show how poorly your MIL treats you.

It massively depends on the context or the family. For reference, I'm in the US but have been to three funerals in the past 2 years but the following is representative of how it is in the UK despite funeral culture differences.

At two of the funerals, on my MIL's side, my toddler nephews were welcomed. They wanted quite informal proceedings, welcomed the distraction of the kids and were happy to explain why they were upset.

At the third, on my PIL's side, the kids weren't brought because the family approach things very differently in a way where the kids would not fit in. At the funeral they wanted quiet reflection and after they wanted to drink and party to celebrate the life without having to mind their behaviour or language.

It's possible MIL had her own ideas or that she'd spoken to family members about what they wanted. Ultimately, it was her wish and I think it's best to leave it be.

But I don't see her need to be rude either.

I totally agree with @Foslady

Yes, it was weird to not tell you in advance that the 2 yr old wouldn't be able to come
Yes it was weird to say the 4 yr old can but the 2 yr old can't (unless, again this is a cultural thing where only males go to funerals ?)

However I can't think what you are going to gain by bringing it up now, after it has all gone ? Yes, if there is another family funeral you will now know to ask who is welcome before traveling but, this funeral has gone. People who are grieivng do sometimes make decisions differently from what they would have in usual circumstances. But there is nothing to be gained in going over it now.
Just let it go.